THE NEXT DAY, MY EMOTIONS were in a complete tailspin. I decided the best thing to do was use my anger for something useful, so I went to the gym to work out the tension. I had the most vigorous workout of my life, and afterwards I stayed in the sauna for a full thirty minutes. I must have lost ten pounds. On the way home, I stopped by the Starbucks close to Faith’s old place to pick up a latte. I hated that I’d allowed Rob to make me feel fat, and I told myself that I hadn’t been affected by his words, but if you knew how much I hated the gym, it was obvious he’d struck a chord. As I waited for my coffee, my phone vibrated.
I shuddered when I saw that it was Rob. I felt like dropping my phone in the trash, just so that I could avoid reading his message. I thought things were well and truly over between us. It had been the worst first date in the history of first dates. Every time I remembered myself sitting on his bed while he masturbated to porn, I wanted to burst into tears. It was the most humiliating thing of my life.
But of course, despite my best intentions, I grabbed a seat and opened his message.
“Lacey, I’m so sorry about last night. I don’t know what came over me. Please forgive me.”
I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my drink. The barista had written my name on the cup but had spelled it wrong. I didn’t care.
I opened the message again and clicked reply. I typed the letters F - U - C - K - Y - O - U in block capitals but I couldn’t hit send.
I should have. I knew I should. It wasn’t like I ever wanted to see him again. I couldn’t lose anything by telling him how I felt. He’d humiliated me. I’d laid myself out on a platter for him, practically begged him, and he’d been incapable of taking on the role of a man and fucking me. He didn’t even deserve a response.
Fuck it. I hit send.
Then I threw my phone into my purse so hard it was as if I wanted to break it.
I was determined to forget about Rob and move on with my life. He didn’t deserve me. If he couldn’t get it up for me, he could go to hell.
But when the phone vibrated inside my purse I found myself reaching for it immediately.
“I deserve that,” the message said.
I stared at it. Why was I engaging with him again? Why was I even reading his messages? I should have just blocked him. But something about what had happened the night before made me feel the need to prove myself. It was as if I was the one who had something to redeem, even though he’d been the one that was a complete failure.
I started typing but then I stopped myself and deleted everything. Why was it so hard for me to just forget about him and move on?
I took a long sip of my coffee and watched the customers and staff. Everyone was busy. Everyone was preoccupied. They were completely oblivious to the situation I was in. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, one bad date wasn’t exactly the end of the world. People had been through much worse. Maybe I was overreacting.
I started typing again.
“You chose to watch porn instead of having sex with me.”
“I know. I’m screwed up.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I watch too much porn. Sometimes I get addicted.”
I rolled my eyes. Was porn addiction even a thing? Or was it just an excuse for not being attracted to me?
“Well, have a good life, loser.”
I pressed send and threw my phone back in my purse. I was really determined not to read any more of his messages. I was so ashamed of what had happened that I wasn’t even going to tell Faith about it. I couldn’t tell anyone. I just had to suck it up on my own.
There was a vibration in my purse. I had no willpower. I read the message immediately.
“Give me one more chance. You won’t regret it.”
*
AND THAT IS HOW, six hours later, I found myself driving back into the city to meet Rob for the second time. Judge me if you want. I know if I heard from one of my friends that she was meeting up with a guy like Rob for a second time, I’d want to slap some sense into her. I know I should have had more self-respect than that, but the truth is, I didn’t. I didn’t have any self-respect. I didn’t have any sense of self-worth. My confidence was at an all-time low.