He was no worse than I was. I’d masturbated while spying on him through my bedroom window. I wasn’t about to tell him that. I would literally die if he ever found that out. I had to play it cool. I’d pretend to be a little shocked, even though I was secretly thrilled at the thought of him hiding up here, jerking off, fantasizing about me.
I tried to picture his cock, what it would have looked like while he stroked it to orgasm using pictures of me. Then I shook my head and forced my mind back to the present.
“Are you upset?” he said.
“I don’t know, Grant.”
“You shouldn’t be. It was a long time ago, and it was really innocent. I swear I tried to resist. I just couldn’t help it. I was young, my hormones were raging. You know how it is.”
“I’m not upset, Grant. I understand. It’s just, it’s surprising is all. I was used to thinking of you in a certain way, and now I find out that you’ve got my prom photo in your porn stash.”
“It’s not like that, Lacey.”
“I know,” I said, softening my tone, “but Grant, what am I supposed to feel? We’ve known each other our whole lives.”
“Feel whatever you want to feel.”
I laughed. “You obviously don’t know women very well, giving advice like that.”
He smiled.
“We should get back to the party,” I said. “They’ll be looking for us.”
A jazz quartet had started playing, and we could hear the romantic music through the slatted walls of the barn. I felt awkward and I wanted to escape the uncomfortable situation.
I’ll admit I was thrilled to find out Grant had had a crush on me, even if it was years ago. It made me feel a little less guilty about all the fantasizing I’d done about him, but it was still definitely very uncomfortable. It was as if I’d invaded his privacy, even though he was the one with my photos. This was his private place. He was allowed to think what he wanted in the privacy of his own mind, wasn’t he? I shouldn’t have looked in the envelope. It was his, not mine, even if the photos in it were of me.
I stood up.
“Don’t leave,” he said. “Not yet.”
“Grant,” I said. “I’m not upset. It was harmless, a few photos. It’s understandable, I suppose, given the circumstances of our life back then.”
I felt awful for being so hypocritical. I mean, I’d basically done the same thing he’d done. I’d taught myself how to masturbate, inspired entirely by him. But there was no way in hell I was going to admit that to him.
“We should get back to the wedding,” I said. “They’ll notice we’re not there.”
“They’ll survive without us,” he said. “Please don’t leave yet, Lacey.”
I looked at him. I knew him better than anyone else in the world. Apart from my father, I’d spent more of my life with Grant than with anyone. But as I stood there next to him, I realized just how rarely it was that he ever asked me for anything.
“All right,” I said. “I’ll stay a little longer.”
“Thank you,” he said.
He looked thoughtful, like he was remembering something.
“I know this is awkward,” he said, “but you have to admit, I had pretty good taste in girls.”
I laughed, more out of relief that he’d lightened the mood, than at the humor. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I could have had pictures of anyone up here. I could have had Playboy, or pinups of nude girls, or even straight up porn.”
“But you chose me?”
“Damn right, I did.”
I smiled. “Well, we did spend a lot of time together back then.”
“I wish we could have spent more time together.”
“Yeah,” I laughed, “and ten dollars says I can guess what you’d have liked to be doing.”
He laughed.
The awkwardness had left. It gave me the confidence to ask a serious question. I cleared my throat. “I always thought you’d have gone for one of the popular girls. The hot crowd.”
“You were the hot girl, Lacey.”
“No I wasn’t. What about the cheerleaders? That whole group?”
“You’ve always been out of their league,” he said.
“Come on.”
He looked genuinely shocked. “Are you kidding me, Lacey? Those girls couldn’t hold a candle to you. Every guy in the valley knows that. They still can’t hold a candle to you.”
“You’re just being nice because you feel bad.”
“Screw that,” he said. “You were the most beautiful girl in the valley, and you’re even more beautiful now than you were then.”
I looked at him but looked away quickly. It was like all my best dreams, and all my worst nightmares, were coming true at once.
I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to climb down that ladder and pretend nothing had happened, that I’d never seen the photos. I could take it as the complement it was, but it could never go any further than that. The next time I found myself awake in my bed, alone, fantasizing about Grant, I could picture him pleasuring himself over my prom photo, but that was it. I had to climb down that ladder and never look back. Some fruits are forbidden for a reason.
“You look very beautiful in that dress,” he said.
I looked down at myself. I was exactly the same fit as my mother, and I must have looked just as she had on her wedding day. It brought tears to my eyes to think of it.
“It’s my mother’s,” I said.
He nodded. “I know, Lacey.”