“Don’t go.” He whispered it quietly but fiercely into her hair.
“I have to. I need some time to think. To figure things out.” She kissed him one last time, and then she did leave, her legs heavy as stone as she walked up the staircase and disappeared into the plane.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
She took a cab home from the airport, making sure to ask the driver to drop her off three blocks away. Kate didn’t know if they were still watching her, and she could barely handle the thought of someone observing her every move as she navigated the streets of her neighborhood.
After taking a hot bath, she crawled into bed with the phone he’d given her. She clicked on the unnamed plain blue app and selected Ian’s Phone. It showed Phillip’s address, and Kate wondered if Ian was with them or if he was down in the guesthouse, thinking about her the way she was thinking about him.
She fell asleep that night with the phone in her hand. And the next morning, her first thought upon awakening was a jubilant He’s alive and her second was I miss him so much.
On her walk to work, every man wearing a suit was an FBI agent; everyone else was a hacker.
That afternoon, Kate booked an airline ticket to Indiana after making sure that Helena didn’t mind covering for her again. Her parents—especially her mother—deserved to know the truth about Ian, but Kate decided it was the kind of news that should be shared in person.
“I’m sorry,” Kate said. “My mom really wants to see for herself that I’m doing okay. She’s spent so much time here already, I feel like it’s my turn to go home.”
“Of course,” Helena said. “When are you leaving?”
“Friday after we close. I’ll be back late Monday.”
Helena put her arm around Kate. “Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet today.”
“I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind and didn’t sleep well last night.”
For the next few days, Kate went through the motions as if she were on autopilot, similar to the way she had after Ian died. But when she took a shower in the morning, she couldn’t stop thinking about how they’d always showered together. When she picked up dinner, she automatically recalled what Ian would have ordered. The absence of his hand holding hers felt like phantom pain. Sleeping on her side without his arm around her made her feel sad and hollow.
You could be doing all those things with him again, she thought. Because he is alive.
She was responding to e-mails shortly before closing time on Thursday afternoon when Zach Nielsen stopped by her desk. It was not uncommon for Kate’s clients to visit for a while after they’d filled their box with food, and they’d tell her what a difference she was making for them and their families. Kate thought of Zach often and hoped his younger brother was doing okay and getting enough to eat.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi, Zach. How are things going?”
He sat down on the edge of her desk. “They’re going great. I got on full-time at the warehouse. I may not even need the pantry next month. I think I can buy enough food for all of us with my paycheck.”
Though she was feeling pretty low, she forced herself to smile. “That’s wonderful.”
“How are things with you?” he asked. “I hope you don’t mind my saying something, but last time I was here you seemed a little, I don’t know, sad maybe?”
She hated that he’d noticed how upset she’d been on his last visit and doubted he was the only one of her clients who had. Kate probably didn’t look much better this time around because her last good night of sleep had been in Phillip and Susan’s guesthouse with Ian. Her bed felt cavernous without him in it, and she lay awake for hours thinking of him.
“I was going through a very rough patch personally. I’m sorry if I appeared unprofessional.” Feeling the warmth on her cheeks, she bent her head, gathering the papers that were lying on her desk and organizing them into a neat pile.