“I’m sorry,” I say as I turn toward him, my fingers picking at the soggy bottle label in my hands. I’m just so damn sorry that my insides are all twisted over a man I thought I had moved past. And yet I can’t utter one other word of reassurance to Todd.
I want to hug him, give him a kiss. Press in close to him and let him know that it will all be okay, but I can’t know that. Because I’m filled with terror over my dad, nervousness over my new job, exhaustion from the hours I’m keeping, and let’s not even get into the slew of emotions that have been rocking my very core since Hawke Therrien became involved in my life again.
Todd’s eyes study my face shrewdly. “I get it, Vale. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, and clearly, there’s no room for me—”
“That’s not true,” I blurt out, but I know it’s a lie.
He knows it too, because he rolls his eyes at me. “Vale, you’re distant. Closed off. This isn’t like you. You used to talk to me about everything, and now it’s like pulling teeth to have even a five-minute conversation. You won’t accept my help, you won’t commit to anything for the long term, and I can’t help but think that what’s really going on is that you don’t want a relationship with me anymore.”
“I do want a relationship with you,” I say hurriedly as I set my bottle down on the deck railing. I walk straight into Todd, wrap my arms around his waist and press my cheek to his chest. And because he’s gallant, despite his hurt, he returns the gesture by hugging me back. “Things are just so screwed up right now in my life. But this won’t last forever. Once dad makes it through the clinical trial, it will be better. You’ll see.”
He doesn’t say anything, but gives me a squeeze before letting go. He pulls back, stares down at me, and again searches my eyes for the truth of what I’m saying.
“You’ll see,” I repeat, and I see a flicker of hope in his gaze, so I press on. “I need you to have some patience. I just need some time to work through all of this craziness.”
I need some time to figure out how to purge my thoughts of Hawke.
I need some time to make sure my dad isn’t going to die.
I need some time to figure out what in the hell I really want in my life.
Because Todd has always been rock solid. Because he’s always given me the benefit of the doubt. Because his romanticism has always been tempered with good common sense, I expect him to see things my way.
I expect him to tell me that it’s all good.
Instead, he gives a pained sigh and steps back from me. “I wish you’d work through this a little sooner rather than later. You’ve been handing me that line for a few months now.”
I blink at him in surprise. Surely it’s not been that long? I mean, yeah…my life has been topsy-turvy since Dad’s cancer recurred, but this tension between us now. This void that I’m feeling…I’m sure it’s just come to a head this weekend.
Because of that damned Hawke. I just know it.
I open my mouth to argue, to disagree with his assessment because I’ve been all in on this relationship until just recently, but Todd stops me by leaning in and placing his hand at the back of my head. He pulls me forward and places a kiss on my temple. When he releases me, he says, “I’m going to get another beer. Mingle around.”
I do nothing but nod at him in acknowledgment, my mind already racing to try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. My eyes scan the crowd on the deck, immediately resting on my dad as he regales a group of guys with some story that has them laughing. Hawke stands there, beer in hand as he listens, a gorgeous smile on his face, those blue eyes shining brightly. He’s not sharing that happiness with me, yet I feel it all the way down to my toes. Just a simple smile, a crinkling around those eyes, and I’m entranced.
I shake my head and pick up the beer, taking a healthy slug. I don’t put it down, but keep swallowing until I knock back half the bottle. The fizz instantly goes to my head and I feel dizzy, and it’s sad how far the party girl Vale Campbell has fallen. A beer and a half and I have a buzz.
Taking another sip, I feel a slight pressure on my bladder and figure now is as good a time as any to go ahead and break the seal. I weave through the crowded deck and make my way inside the house to find a bathroom. I smile and nod at a few of the players, stop once to get an introduction, and then easily find the bathroom that sits along a short hall that borders the staircase to the second floor. There’s a line waiting, so I take my place and lean back against the wall, thinking about everything that just transpired between me and Todd.
It would be so easy to blame part of my reticence on Hawke. He’s got my stomach in knots, taking what very little focus I have left and destroying it. Stirring up feelings, making me rehash old memories. It’s enough to drive a girl batty, and surely it’s why I’m having some doubts about my feelings for Todd.
Right?
“You doing okay?” I hear Hawke ask, and I twist my neck to see him standing there, an affable smile on his face.