She’s taking her place by my side in the club—exactly where she always should have been. I want to believe it. I want it all to sink in, but it just doesn’t. Not yet. So many times she’s left and come back, and I’ve let myself think it’s for real this time. And every time it’s not. Every time she just leaves again, and I’m here. And I’m dead until she returns.
Amber moves into the room, shutting and locking the door behind her.
“You touched her.” Her tone has taken on an impossibly angry edge to it. Before, she sounded authoritative, if not annoyed, but her voice is darker now.
“What are you doing?”
“If you don’t want your son, just say so.” The words come out clearly, but they don’t make any sense in my head. I can’t even fathom what would make her think I wouldn’t want our boy. I’ve always wanted him. Even when I thought he wasn’t mine. Even then. He’s a piece of Amber. I’m always going to want every tiny bit I can get.
“I get it. I laid a lot of stuff on your plate the other day. But here’s the thing about being a parent—it’s not about you anymore. You need time to deal, you do it when your kids are asleep. You do not just check out because it gets hard or you’re fucked up.”
Amber’s angry voice softens, like something in her is breaking. Little pieces of the walls she’s built up over the years crumble right before me. Her eyes well up with unshed tears. My woman is hard as hell. She’s not soft like Princess or broken like Nic. She isn’t innocent like Holly or naive like Cheyenne. She’s not even lost like Elle. She’s just hell on wheels, all loud mouth and kind heart. She’s bravery and fear and every little bit the protective momma bear I always knew she’d be.
“I want him. I just need time.” My heart breaks with a newfound vulnerability I never knew I could feel. Ten minutes ago I was worried about fucking the kid up, and now . . . I don’t even know what I feel now. It’s one thing to talk to Jim about this. I can keep the wall up with Jim. I don’t have to feel the pain then. This is different. This is Amber.
“You’re not listening.” She stomps forward in an angry rush. Her red cheeks are flushed with a heartache I haven’t had the chance to understand. Her green eyes are wild. Her nostrils flare. Every ounce of me takes notice of her.
“You do not get time anymore. This isn’t about you. This is about your son. He wants to know you more than anything in his entire world, and it scares the crap out of me because I can’t force you to be the man he needs. But make no mistake about it—my kids come before everything, and that includes you.”
My kids?
I can barely move at the thought of someone else fathering her children. Their seed growing in her belly. Sharing the experience of seeing her body change, creating a family with her . . .
No.
All the things I chose not to be a part of.
“Kids?” It’s probably not the right time, but I can’t stop myself from asking. The idea of another man with her, inside of her, just tears me apart.
She flinches. It’s almost painful how she reacts to my question. Does she know how it’s destroying me thinking about her having kids with someone else? Did she think of me and everything we were supposed to have when she had another man’s child? How many does she have . . . two, three? Did she plan them? Is he still in her life?
There are so many questions, and I have no answers. I don’t think I’ll ever have enough answers to make sense of how she could have another man’s child. Not when we’d promised ourselves to each other. Not when she means everything to me.
“We’ll talk about that after I decide whether or not you’re getting the chance to know my boy,” she says with an angry venom that seethes from her voice. If I’m not mistaken, there’s a hurt underneath it all that she’s trying to hide. She is strength and vulnerability all at once. She is every inch the ferocious mother to our son I knew she’d be. I didn’t just fall haphazardly in love with her all those years ago. I chose her because of everything that makes her who she is, but most of all because of this. Because Amber will scorch the earth to keep her loved ones safe. She did it for me once, and in that moment I knew she was and always would be the only woman I’d ever want to mother my children. I’ve always loved her, but now, as she rips me apart in defense of our son, I’ve never loved her more.