“Technically?”
“I have work until the middle of June.”
His expression was hard to read it changed so fast. But with the narrowing of the eyes and the tightening of one side of his mouth, I knew he hadn’t considered my job an issue. Maybe he didn’t consider it a job worth staying at in money or satisfaction. Both. Neither. Something else entirely.
Then I felt his fingers tap on my back, and his gaze went deep into the middle distance.
“You’re counting,” I said.
“I have seven weekday away games between now and June 10th.”
“And? You think I can just take those seven days off?”
“Yes.”
“As what? Sick days?”
“And after that, you just travel with me.”
“That’s nuts.”
It was. How many red-eyes was that? How many mornings would I show up at school on no sleep? And how was I supposed to get away with that? Teachers only worked nine months a year, so unless we were actually sick, we were expected to show up.
“Listen.” He pecked my lips before continuing. “You give notice now, and they have all summer to find another librarian. They’ll be fine.”
I pulled back. “What? No. Dash, really, I’m not quitting.”
“Why not?”
What the hell? Had he lost his mind? How could he even pretend to not understand the issue here? It was so obvious to me that he was asking me to give him everything that mattered to me in exchange for… what? I didn’t even know what was on the table.
“I’m not ready to change my life all around,” I said.
“We change each other’s lives. That’s what we do.”
“A couple of months ago, you couldn’t even commit past March. Now you want me to quit my job and leave my father so I can travel with you?”
He couldn’t step back much because of the slope of the hill, but he backed up as much as he could and put his hands on my thighs. Mine were folded in my lap.
“I know,” he said. “I don’t blame you for being cautious. But I want to reassure you that I’m serious.”
I took his face in my hands and put my nose on his. He was a good man. A sincere and worthy man. I had a million reasons to drop everything and run away with him and only a few very important reasons to refuse. “I know you’re serious.”
“I don’t think you do. I think I’ve made mistakes with you, and that’s what’s making you balk. So I want to undo those mistakes. I want you to know how much you mean to me.”
“I get it but—”
“Marry me.” He reached into his pocket.
No. Oh no. I grabbed his hand before he could dig in there and pick out what I knew was a ring. A ring bought too soon and for the wrong reasons. Maybe the only ring I’d be offered in my life, but nevertheless, one I couldn’t accept.
“Don’t,” I whispered urgently. “Don’t do this.”
He’d obviously expected a different reaction. “Why not? I need you.”
I shook my head to get the thoughts out. The ones where he was using me to fulfill his superstitions, the ones that demanded I tell it to him straight and lose him forever. They pushed against the filter, bulging and pounding against it.
“You need me for the wrong reasons,” I said, pushing the rest of it back.
“What do you mean?”
That was all that thin membrane holding the truth back needed. The words burst out too fast, and they were hard and unkind.
“I’m not—”
Your good luck charm
Responsible for your failures
A toy
I bit it all back so hard I nearly coughed. I couldn’t do it that way. I couldn’t cut him down. The crux of what he was going through was lack of confidence, and I’d almost played into it.
“You’re a gifted person,” I said. “You don’t need superstitions to be successful. Me, I’m just a trinket right now. But the talent is with you. All you.”
“You’re not a trinket. How could you say that?”
Of course he picked the one thing that would deflect the conversation from the real problem. I wanted to talk about his confidence and his ability. I didn’t want to talk about what I thought of myself.
“You have to work on this idea that you’re not good enough,” he said. “You have to know that we’re that good together. That you’re different. Special. Better for me than any woman I’ve ever met.”
“And you love me?”
“Of course I do.”