he heat has my clothes plastered to my skin from sweat as the sounds and scents of the city around me permeate my pores and all five senses. It’s a feeling you think you’ll get used to the longer you spend on-site but never do. I’m pulling a Beaux, I think to myself with a smile as I walk through the city’s dilapidated streets, venturing out without telling anyone.
I needed the fresh air, the time to myself to sort some shit out in my head while finding a few things to complete the surprise I have planned for Beaux, because as much as it pains me to admit my sister was right, she was. Beaux and I are in a relationship. We may not have verbalized it, but I think I silently erased that fine line between dating and relationship a while ago and just pretended like I wasn’t looking. And as for the three words that most people hang their hat on, we may not have said them, but it doesn’t matter. When you spend almost every waking minute with someone – with as much time in the sheets as you spend talking and getting to know each other out of bed – over a several-month period, you’re in a relationship.
And since that’s the case, I figured I ought to up my game some in the boyfriend department. It must be a miracle, because for the second time in a day, I’m caving in to something Rylee said… I’m trying to manufacture an out-of-the-ordinary night for Beaux without anyone knowing.
She needs it. We need it. Something simple in nature but special at the same time. We’ve both been climbing the walls with boredom as we wait for a story, any story, even a human interest story. Anything besides rehashing the same shit ad nauseam, because as much as I don’t long for international conflict, there is no denying it prevents people in this instant-gratification day and age from flipping the channel to find something newer and more spectacular.
So I’ve got most of my night for Beaux planned. I’ve bribed the hotel manager with cash to help get the rest of the items I don’t have the ability to get myself. And now I’m just searching for the final few things while Beaux is back at the hotel sleeping in my bed with strict instructions for Pauly to interfere should she wake before I get back and wander downstairs to the lobby.
There is definite irony in the fact that I find myself sneaking out to wander the city’s streets at night.
But I’m so lost in thought, so consumed by Beaux’s and Ry’s comments, that when I look up, my feet falter when I notice where I’ve unconsciously veered. My breath catches in my throat as I stand in the one place I’ve yet to come since being back, the place where Stella died.
The market front looks so benign, nothing like the horrible nightmares that flash through my sleep every so often now. The smell of death is gone, the dark stains of blood nonexistent, the fear riddling through my soul absent. All I feel is a bone-deep sadness when I take in the open windows with wares hanging all around the canopy and the cart out front displaying random items – there’s not a single thing to commemorate the loss of someone so damn important to me.
Immediately, I long to walk away and quiet the images that keep coming back into my mind, but at the same time I can recognize that I need to face this for a moment, allow myself to say good-bye one last time in the one place where my world was turned upside down. Maybe then I can finish finding a bit of the peace that being with Beaux has allowed me to start to feel.