I hadn’t opened my eyes yet, but I was awake. I could hear her snapping pictures of me, so I decided to wait until she was finished, no need to make things uncomfortable.
Hopefully I didn’t have crust of drool at the corner of my mouth or she hadn’t drawn on my face. If memory served, she didn’t seem like the sort. These pictures are trophies for girls like her.
I felt her still naked body slither along mine, and her hair brushing against my bare shoulder. From the angle of her posturing, I deduced she was now taking selfies with me… while I slept.
No. That’s not distressing at all. Perfectly normal behavior. Just pose with the unconscious man, nothing strange about it. I’m sure plenty of people enjoy having their picture taken while they’re asleep…
Bloody weirdo.
She leaned away, likely to scroll through her trophy pictures, and I felt her shift on the mattress into a sitting position. Her long fake nails clicking against the touch screen of her phone, the sound incredibly irritating.
That was my cue to exit.
I stretched my arms, careful to avoid touching her, and made a big show of arching my back before I opened my eyes. This gave her plenty of time to hide her phone if she felt guilty about being an opportunist. When I did open my eyes I avoided making contact with hers. I find it’s best to set expectations on a proper course as early as possible in a non-relationship.
“Well, good morning handsome.” She slid into the sheets again, her claws coming to my torso.
I glanced at her hands. No sign of the phone. She must’ve hid it in her night stand. This was a relief; the less inconspicuous of her kind often request more pictures over breakfast. The answer is always no. I never eat meals with the help.
I hadn’t been drunk last night when I suggested we party. I’d been cold. Ireland is cold year round, even in the summer. And I am likewise cold, unless I can locate a warm body and share her bed.
The woman snuggled against me. Her skin had been soft last night, but now—bathed in daylight—it felt like sandpaper. I peeled her from me, no longer cold, and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“What time is it?”
“Just past seven,” she purred, her nails scratching lightly down my back.
“Stop touching me. Where the feck are my pants?”
She jerked her hand away with a little gasp and was mercifully silent as I scanned the room.
Sex was usually the price I paid for a night of warmth, which made no sense because my nameless partners always faked it, even when I ate them out. They faked it loudly, and with enthusiasm, and sometimes with impressive creativity. But it was fake nevertheless.
Just once, I wanted to see and hear and feel a woman truly orgasm. Just. Fucking. Once. I’m beginning to doubt women are capable of climaxing. The great female-orgasm myth…
“No need to be such an arsehole!” She’d recovered the ability to speak. I wished she hadn’t.
I was going to be late for Sunday breakfast with the family if I didn’t get up and out. If I missed breakfast then I’d be subjected to months of passive aggressive reminders that I’d missed breakfast that one time, and be on the hook for a year’s worth of favors.
“I need to piss.” I stood from the bed and crossed her tiny Dublin apartment to the door I assumed was her toilet, finding my pants on the way and pulling them on. I shut and locked the door—just in case she has any ideas about snapping more pictures—and did my business, rinsing off her tooth brush with Listerine before brushing my teeth with it.
I have a ritual when I clean up after a night of inane debauchery. Disinfecting the toothbrush, going through the medicine cabinet for an aspirin, washing my face with their soap—as long as it doesn’t smell of flowers or food. The one night stands were worth it just for cosmetic product discoverability.
About six months ago I shagged a woman and used her facial cleanser. Great stuff, unscented, gentle but leaving the skin thoroughly clean. I can’t tell you her name or what she looks like, but I can tell you she used a cleanser named Simple to wash her face. I know this because on my way home I stopped by Boots and picked it up in bulk.
“What are you doing in there?” Last night’s warm body tested the door handle.
I ignored her question and smelled her soap. It smelled like cake. I placed it back on the tray, unused. Why do women want to smell like cake?
If I want cake, I’ll eat cake.
If I want a woman, I’ll eat a woman.
I heard her huff, it sounded nervous. “How much longer are you going to be?”
I took one more look in her medicine cabinet and found a lotion sample. It looked like it’s never been used. I cracked it open and sniffed… sandalwood. I squeezed out a dot on the back of my hand, it went on light and silky. I pocketed it.
“Hey!” She pounded on the door. “What are you doing-”