I’m surprised Bruggert hasn’t got a syringe stuck in his long green neck right now.
But what gives me an even worse feeling this Crown Day in the gym is knowing this dragon Bruggert can have practically any dragonette in our grade he wants. I mean the hottest female cadets at WarWings will literally beg Bruggert to lock them up in one of his cages, let them spend the night in his lair.
Shoot, even Fribby will get these big dreamy eyes whenever Bruggert walks by her in the hall. Once when I asked Fribby how she could be attracted to a deranged Normal lunatic bastard like Bruggert, she just hooted and told me I was being a prude.
“Bruggert had a horrible childhood,” said Fribby. “He’s damaged, is all. If you understood that, then you’d see him for what he is. Which is a badly wounded and terrified dragon fella.”
Which is typical. Whenever a chick wants to justify being attracted to a monster or laying a monster’s eggs, they always talk about how traumatized that dragon bastard is from his horrible childhood. And I think it’s flapdoodle.
Why not just admit that you enjoy being with a monster?
Why not just admit that the monster gives you that special little tingly feeling in your tail?
But I’m sure Dr. Terrible would tell me I need to get over myself and that if anyone could benefit from adding a little monster to his personality, it would be me.
My point is I’m really worried that Runcita will fall prey to Bruggert’s special powers.
The lure of the monster.
So I charge forward and plow into the crowd of cadets gathered around Runcita and Bruggert there in the gymnasium. But even as I fling the hideous dragons aside and shove my way to the front of the circle gathered around Runcita and Bruggert, my heart is sinking. Because I sense I might already be too late.
“Yo Run Run,” purrs Bruggert, flexing his wings. “What say you be my Queen for EggHarvest? I reckon we could make a great Colony together. I’m envisioning billions of slaves kneeling before us with their heads bowed. And lots of little Bruggerts running around. So what do you say, Run Run? Will you be my Queen?!”
Runcita just eyeballs Bruggert like he’s lost his mind.
“My dad gave me a new spaceship for our Fertility Mission,” he purrs. “It’s got an anti-grav LavaTub.”
He flicks his powerstaff and a 3-D holovid appears in the air, and the holovid shows a tricked-out spaceship which radiates power and fiendish technology. The holovid jumps to a new clip showing the interior of the spaceship. There are long hallways and gardens and luxury rooms. The clip finishes with a slow panning shot of the anti-grav LavaTub floating in midair. And above it is this clear-paneled ceiling, so you can soak in the LavaTub and watch the planets as you pass them by.
“That’s a pretty righteous spaceship, ain’t it?” purrs Bruggert. “And when we land on our Designated Foreign Planet we’ll engage in much merry mayhem and destruction. Catch us some slaves. Plunder some gold. Build us a sweet Colony to rule over our new planet. You’ll be my Queen. And I’ll be your Dragon King!”
Runcita’s tail raises up and starts twitching around in a Threat Display. Now I just happen to catch a glimpse of the white meat lining the underside of Runcita’s tail, and the sight of it makes me woozy with lust. Squatting here on the edge of the circle, I whisper: “She’s even more beautiful when she’s angry!”
Bruggert grins at Runcita and her twitching tail as if she’s nothing more than a mighty cute and amusing tiger cub. “And on our way to our Designated Foreign Planet,” he purrs, “maybe we can rock that LavaTub together. Get real nasty. So whatdya say, chick? You reckon you got what it takes to lay my eggs? Huh? Do you, Run Run?”
Then he gets down on one haunch. He reaches for his utility belt and produces a seriously boss gold crown lined with flashing colored gems and a massive diamond in the center. The crowd of cadets gasp because it’s the most gorgeous and insanely expensive-looking crown that they have ever seen offered for EggHarvest.
Bruggert holds the faboo crown out to Runcita. “Will you be my Queen?”
And I don’t know which part makes my scaly green ass feel worse. The fact that his gold crown chockablock with red and blue and green gems and diamonds is so boss that I know in my heart if I was a chick and a fella offered me that crown I would say yes in a heartbeat. Or the fact that as Bruggert crouches there with the crown he somehow manages to look so damn sweet and sincere.
[ 40 ]
THERE’S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN GETTING THE RIGHT CHICK TO LAY YOUR EGGS
“Get that stupid crown out of my face,” Runcita hisses. “And please don’t call me Run Run again. Nobody calls me Run Run.”
“Why not give it a test drive and see how it fits, Run Run?” purrs Bruggert, holding the crown out. “You might feel different once you’ve got it on your pretty little head.”
Then the crown floats out of Bruggert’s talons and it soars up into the air and it hovers several feet over Runcita’s gorgeous scaly head. The crown clearly has some sort of neurospring technology in it that makes it bend to Bruggert’s will. It’s really something to see, the boss crown hovering up in the air like that.
“I’m warning you,” growls Runcita. She eyeballs the crown overhead as she reaches for her powerstaff and yanks it off her utility belt.
“Once you put that there crown on your scaly head, you ain’t going to want to take it off, Run Run. There’s not a chick alive that wouldn’t want to wear this crown!”
The floating crown suddenly lunges several feet to the left. Runcita wheels herself around to keep the crown in her sight. Then the crown shoots to the right. Runcita leaps and dances to keep the crown in her line of sight.
Now I don’t know if you can say that a crown has body language. But if you can, then you’d have to say Bruggert’s crown whizzing around up there in the air, well this crown’s body language is aggressive bordering on predatory.
Then the crown starts zigzagging overhead. And Runcita is turning every which way to keep it in her sights. Sadly, it looks like she’s losing ground. Because you can tell Runcita is getting confused and dizzy. She’s panting and her tongue is drooping several feet out of her beak.
Well apparently this has been Bruggert’s plan all along.
Because he gleefully bellows, “Gotcha!”
And at that moment the crown shoots straight down onto Runcita’s gorgeous scaly head.
Well it almost does. At the last moment, Runcita dives away and activates the laserblade in her powerstaff. The laserblade is bright red, at least seven feet long, and makes a whirring noise.
Now Runcita ducks to avoid the crown and she swings the laserblade and cracks the flying crown. Sparks explode everywhere and the crown goes shooting through the air across the gym. It smashes up against the far wall with a loud clang and then falls to the floor where it wobbles around making an awful racket before finally coming to a stop.