Though the truth is I guess I really don’t care if you do.
For as I write this my heart is singing because I am in love for the first time in hundreds of years. And perhaps it will comfort you to know that while Idrixia is technically my forty-eighth Queen, she is without a doubt my favorite.
So far anyway. Ha-ha!
Just kidding.
No seriously, she’s definitely my favorite!
As a gesture of consolation I am sending you this spaceship, ATHENOS II. I built her myself. And ATHENOS II is the prized spaceship from my fleet and it is with a deep sense of sadness that I part ways with her. For ATHENOS II has led me through many exciting adventures across the foamy universe.
I think you will find that ATHENOS II is a loyal friend and servant. She can help you with your fainting problem. She will also work with you to find a way to somehow boost your BIOCON LEVS.
Because remember it is what’s on the inside that counts. So focus on growing your WILL TO POWER, and your horns will follow.
Now I expect ATHENOS II will be of great assistance as you somehow try to find yourself another dragonette for EggHarvest. If that is even possible, I don’t know. Because it seems like any chick you get is really just using you as a way to get to me. Though you really can’t blame them, the chicks I mean. I am after all the infamous Dr. Terrible. Impossible to resist, really.
Now please take good care of my dear sweet ATHENOS II, and I can promise you that in turn she will do the same for you.
I remain your devoted legal guardian,
Dr. Karzakus The Terrible, M.D., Ph.D.
Distinguished Research Professor
Institute of Advanced Biokinetics and Neuroanatomy
WarWings Academy
P.S. Idrixia says hi! She’s lying right next to me here in my nest. We are still technically on our honeymoon. Ha-ha! I am so terrible. (:
P.P.S. I have also enclosed a canister of my newest invention, GrowGrow? gel. I devised this GrowGrow? gel just for you and your horns. This is customized medicine. Spritz this gel on your horns at least three times a day, and you should see significant horn growth within a week or so. If we don’t find a way to get those horns of yours to grow in the next couple months, then no chick is ever going to be your Queen and mate with you for EggHarvest. Trust me, even Idrixia said she never would have left you if your horns had been a normal size. (:
P.P.P.S. Please stop calling my campus lair phone # every ten minutes in hopes that somehow you’ll be able to reach Idrixia. And if, as you recently told me over the phone, you’re truly calling because you have an actual emotional emergency, well then we can discuss your so-called emergency during our next weekly session. Which I have taken the liberty of scheduling for next week at our usual time. See you then, Friday afternoon at 1:00 P.M. (:
P.P.P.P.S. I’m sorry about all these smiley faces, though the truth is I just can’t help myself. I may be terrible, but I am also very happy!
[ 15 ]
NOW LET ME GET BACK TO THE MAIN STORY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT, IN TERMS OF HOW THIS ROBOT TRENX IS SAYING THAT DR. TERRIBLE JUST GAVE HIM A NEW SPACESHIP CALLED ATHENOS III
So now you understand why my belly twists up into painful knots when Trenx tells me that the spaceship Dr. Terrible gave him is named ATHENOS III.
“Did Dr. Terrible say anything else about me?!” I shout. “What about me?!”
“Well…there was one thing, now that you mention it. When I told Dr. Terrible I was friends with his grandson Weak Sauce, he seemed really surprised. And your grandpa said that you, Weak Sauce, had never mentioned my name before and that he had no idea we were pals. I thought that was a little weird and my feelings were kinda hurt.”
And at that moment I’m thinking:
You need to tell Trenx the truth. You need to tell Trenx that Dr. Terrible is using him to get to you somehow, and it won’t end well. He’ll end up with his silver head mounted on the wall. That’s probably why Dr. Terrible gave him those big horns, anyway. So they’ll look good mounted on his wall. Oh God. That’s it.
“Listen buddy,” I say. “There’s something I need to tell you. I think you might be in big trouble. And I don’t want you to get hurt. Now the thing you need to know is that Dr. Terrible—”
Trenx cuts me off and blurts out: “But then I talked it over with Dr. Terrible and I realized that as small as my horns were before, I guess I couldn’t really blame you for not wanting to claim me as a friend. And your grandpa said now that the tables were turned, he wouldn’t blame me one bit if I didn’t want to be friends with you anymore.”
He can’t even hear you.
Those horns have changed him.
He can’t even pick up your frequency anymore.
Then my train of thought is interrupted by the sound of the Datalizard’s voice, and he’s saying, “…and your grandpa said he’d given up hope on you.”
“Given up hope on me?”
“Well, to earn your WarWings. Your grandpa said there’s no way that you could get a chick to be your Queen for EggHarvest. Not with those horns of yours being so puny. He said your main problem was that you don’t have any WILL TO POWER.”
Now my scaly green ass is practically seeing lava when I hear this. “I already had a Queen for EggHarvest! Her name was Idrixia, but then Dr. Terrible stole her away and—”
Trenx holds up his metal talons with his palms facing me. “Dr. Terrible told me all about it and he had no idea what a gigantic pity party you were going to throw for yourself. Not that it would have stopped him. And by the way, I don’t know if you know, but your grandpa already divorced that dragonette.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, fool, he divorced Idrixia. Said he loved her and all but he just couldn’t stand the idea of getting your sloppy seconds.”
“But we never even mated!”
“Whatever, fool. Not my deal. Dr. Terrible said he moved Idrixia to some gold planet or something, so of course she’s set for life.”
Now my mind is pinwheeling and I am not able to process everything I’m hearing. I figure for sure I’m going to faint. Because I’m seeing yellow spots swimming through the air all around me. And whenever I see those yellow spots swimming like that, well it’s a surefire sign that I’m about to black out.
When you see the yellow spots, this is when you need to start looking around at the floor. And maybe if you’re lucky you can sort of aim yourself for a soft spot before you faint.
But as I glance at the floor, all I see are this machine Trenx’s silver webbed feet with his titanium toe claws sticking out.
Please God no matter what else happens don’t let me faint right on top of the robot’s webbed feet.
“So is it true?” says Trenx.
“What?”
“That you can’t get a chick to be your Queen for EggHarvest.”
Runcita.
My Queen Quest.
Where is my Queen?
How the heck have I let myself lose sight of my goal?
What an idiot I am!
Now all the noise and chaos in the hallway from the other dragons shouting and whatnot comes rushing back into my earholes at a sonic volume.