Last year 37% of all dragons who died were on a combat mission in outer space.
100% of dragons polled cited death as their least favorite conversation topic.
Fribby is an endless font of information about death that nobody wants to hear. It’s morbid. I mean I’ve tried to explain to her that she should dial it down a couple notches, but she can’t seem to understand why every dragon wouldn’t be as fascinated by death as she is.
Usually when you pass a fellow cadet in the corridor, you might say, “What’s up?” Or you’ll give them a talon bump.
But not Fribby. When she sees you in the hall, she says, “Hi. Are you dead?”
I guess I should also mention here that Fribby sleeps in a coffin. And where she found that coffin I haven’t a clue, but it’s right there in her lair. And if you ask her why she sleeps in a coffin she’ll tell you she’s in training for being dead, like death is a sport.
She says compared to how much time we’ll spend being dead, our lives are nothing but the mere blink of an eye, so it only makes sense that we should spend every moment of our waking life preparing for our death. That’s why she’s constantly writing these little poems and revising them, because she wants to have her epigraph all set before she dies. I tell her to stop being morbid, but she says she’s only being logical.
So my point being her whole death vibe isn’t helping her cause in terms of getting some Datalizard dude to ask her to EggHarvest. Because no dragon fool wants to invade a planet with a chick who keeps asking him if he’s dead.
Anyway, so on this Crown Day morning when I say that smart-ass thing to Fribby about how she should be a cheerleader, I figure she’s definitely going to whack me upside my scaly green head.
So there I am, bracing myself for the blow.
But instead, Fribby points out the windshield, and shouts: “Look! Runcita! There she goes!”
I whirl around and look out the spaceship’s windshield and spot Runcita. She’s out there strolling along on her muscular green haunches, making her way through the crowded parking lot. And as per usual, she is looking seriously luscious.
Now I don’t need to point my powerstaff at Runcita because I already know every number in her Cadet Profile by heart. Like I already know her WILL TO POWER status rank is a whopping MegaBeast. Another twenty-seven points, and she’ll bump up into the Seek&Destroy rank. Seek&Destroy is the highest possible classification on the WarWings WILL TO POWER RANKING INDEX.
Runcita is wearing her gold tunic and she’s got a gold tiara on her head. Her green webbed feet are bare and her toe claws have red polish on them.
Now if you happen to be a man-creature who’s reading this, then you should know that us dragons usually go barefoot. On Blegwethia it’s a sign of status. Only slaves wear shoes. Besides, the scales on the bottom of our webbed feet are so thick that we can walk through a fresh stream of lava without feeling a thing. So why would we ever want to wear shoes?
I don’t mean to sound perverted here but Runcita is stacked, and the way she bounces when she walks, it’s a wonder she’s able to keep all those glorious scaly curves moving in unison like that. It’d probably be easier to control a herd of camels, if you get my drift.
So Runcita strolls through the parking lot. She keeps her leathery wings spread out a little behind her to give her some balance and her luscious tail is raised up over her head.
Well seeing Runcita out there like that, it catches me off guard. Suddenly it feels like I’ve just been punched in my jumbo-sized heart.
Her red toe claws are sparkling in the new morning sun.
And that dragonette is so juicy-looking that it literally hurts my eyes to stare at her. But we’re talking a good kind of hurt. The kind of pain you don’t ever want to stop.
As if in slow motion, I watch Runcita move freely through the different dragon crews huddled around out there in the parking lot. You can see all the fellas stop what they’re doing and turn to eyeball Runcita as she walks by. The Jocks and the Nerds and the Mutants and Multi-Dimensioners—the lust she inspires is equal opportunity.
A couple of the Jocks are even drooling strings of lava from their fangs.
Runcita strolls right on up to the Telo-Device in front of WarWings. Because of the recent outbreaks of violence on campus, cadets are only allowed to enter the campus through a secure teleportation pad.
“It won’t be long now, sir,” says ATHENOS II, as she flares her actuator gills in preparation for the landing. “Please prepare to disembark quickly!”
Squatting here in the spaceship’s cockpit, I finally start breathing again.
“Runcita’s even more beautiful than she was last night,” I croak.
“You saw Runcita last night?!” says Fribby.
“?’Course I did. She appeared to me in a dream.”
“Oh yeah?” she says, rolling her eyes. “Did Runcita happen to say anything to you during her nocturnal visit?”
I look at the robot sideways like she’s a kook.
“?’Course she did,” I growl. “What, is Runcita going to come to me in my dream and then give me the silent treatment? She said I should go up to her in school today and offer her my crown. She said we’d make a great team! And she said as my Queen she would happily lay my eggs!”
The way Fribby looks at me then with her glowing red eyes, it’s almost as if she’s disappointed in me. Like how can I be such a fool. Or maybe it’s that she pities me.
“But Dean Floop isn’t exactly your biggest fan, in case you forgot. Runcita’s dad hates your guts! Especially after what happened last night. Doctor vs. Dean RageFest? Ring a bell? Your crazy grandpa blinding the Dean in one eye? Sound familiar? Or have you forgotten already?!”
“I can’t see what that’s got to do with anything,” I say. “It’s not like I’m asking Dean Floop to be my Queen.”
“So let me get this straight,” says Fribby. “Leaving out the part about how Runcita’s dad, Dean Floop, hates your guts by proxy and would probably like nothing more than to blast you with a firestream because your grandpa Dr. Terrible just blinded him in one eye last night! Let’s just forget about that for a minute. Now you think Runcita, who is the most beautiful dragon chick in our class and who could have any fool she wanted, is actually going to take your crown and agree to be your Queen for EggHarvest?!”
“Yes ma’am.”
“And why exactly would Runcita do that again?”
“Cuz that’s what she wants.”
“And how do you know that’s what she wants?”
“Cuz she came to me in my dream last night and told me so herself. Haven’t you been listening to a word I said?”
“That’s the problem,” says Fribby. “I’ve been listening to every single word you’ve said!”
“Where’s the problem then? I don’t hear a problem.”
“I swear you sound crazier than a bear with a badger’s butt for a mouth.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Badgers can’t talk with their butts.”
“So what’s your point?”
“So a bear couldn’t neither.”
“A bear couldn’t either what?”