I smack his hands away. “Fuck off, shit lips.” Grinning, I turn. Evie has disappeared, but Henry remains. “This is my brother Jared,” I tell him. “Jared, my roommate Henry.”
Jared walks over and Henry partially stands to shake my brother’s hand. Then he falls back on the couch with a pained groan.
“Wait.” Jared looks between us both. “Are you two hungover?”
“No,” I say quickly.
“Yes and we’re dying,” Henry gasps at the same time.
Thankfully, Evie catches everyone’s attention, diverting Jared from his questioning. She races by in a flurry of bags, scarves, and jingling bracelets. Reaching the door, she hops about putting one shoe on after the other.
It’s an embarrassing spectacle of the like I’ve never seen from her before. Her smile is bright. Knowing her insides are curled up in the foetal position like mine currently are, it’s clearly false. The smile takes in all of us, though with Jared her eyes skim vaguely above his head. She offers a vigorous wave before disappearing out the door. All without a word.
We remain silent for a long moment, processing what has just occurred. Then I realise I have to explain what that was. I can’t have Jared thinking I room with drunken oddballs or he’ll rat me out. We might be getting along, but it doesn’t mean his protective instincts died. He will happily ruin this for me if he thinks shitty roommates are compromising my living situation.
I open my mouth to explain when he beats me to it.
“Pears.”
“What?” I whip out. Has the whole world gone mad?
Jared is staring at the door Evie flew out of, one hand on his hip, the other scratching the back of his neck.
“Pears,” he repeats with impatience as if I know what it’s supposed to mean.
“What about them?”
“Good for a hangover,” he mutters. His tone is vague as he drags his gaze from the door and finally looks at both of us.
It’s clear he’s distracted, and by Evie no less. This is fantastic. He hasn’t even mentioned the fact that for me to be hungover, I had to be blind drunk the night before. The possibilities of this unexpected development have me giddy.
Of my three brothers, Jared would be the perfect one for Evie. Not Mitch. He’s too responsible. And not Travis, he has a level of sweet that would be lost on Evie. But Jared … he has just the right amount of wild to appeal to her dark side, mixed with enough forcefulness to rein her in when she gets too out of control.
I almost beam but don’t want to freak Jared out, so I pull my lips into a thin line.
“Nothing cures hangovers better than a bacon and egg McMuffin,” Henry argues with careless disregard for the consequences.
It earns him a withering look from Jared. My brother suffers a health-food affliction. A potentially life-threatening one because he pushes this affliction onto everyone he meets. He’s trying to change the world, one bunch of kale at a time. Soon enough it will get him killed.
God knows I’ve imagined shanking him in his sleep several times after going to bed hungry. His turn at cooking dinner is the stuff of nightmares. Take his open lentil burgers … it’s basically a lentil patty with a side of salad. The “open” part means there’s no bun. I remember smushing that patty so hard in his face he had lentils coming out his nose for days.
“A McMuffin?” Jared folds his arms. I brace, aware that a lecture is imminent. Henry sits there clueless. A babe in the woods. “Do you even know what’s in one of those?”
“Sure I do.” My poor oblivious friend reclines back on the couch and pats his belly, his expression dreamy. He’s picturing one in his head right now. “Bacon,” he states first, because it’s the most important ingredient. “Cheese.” I risk a glance at my brother. His nostrils have begun to flare. “Egg,” Henry continues.
The apartment door opens and the Rice Bubbles enter the room. All three of them. Holy mother of shit. Jake’s gaze hits Jared and his eyes widen swiftly. Without missing a beat, he backs straight out the door, his steps soundless.
“Keep going,” I say to Henry before Jared can give the new arrivals his attention. Unfortunately, it means throwing my friend under a bus. I have no other choice.
“Errr …” Henry’s gaze flicks to Jake, brows drawing together with confusion.
“Focus!” I snap my fingers in his face. His cloudy gaze comes back to me. “Egg …” I prompt.
Poor Henry. I feel guilty enough to consider doing his laundry for a whole week. Not that I would, but I considered it.
“Uh, a muffin.”
With Jake blindly stepping backwards, he stumbles into a pair of shoes by the door. Jared starts to turn.
“What else?” I yell, and Jared’s attention is back on us.
Henry’s eyes shift from me to my brother and back again. “That’s it, isn’t it?”
Cooper and Frog stand there mute, clearly trying to follow what’s happening. They look between the three of us and mostly settle on Jared because they don’t know who he is. That’s too bad. There’s no time for introductions right now. Jake is almost out the door.
“No!” I’m looming over Henry now, panicked. I have a sweet set up here. All will be lost if Jared finds out about Jake. My friends. My independence. My management of the band. It’s brought me back to life. I need this. I need them. “That’s not it!”
Henry looks up at me from the couch. “It’s not?”
“Love, dude,” Cooper interjects, saving me.
I point at Cooper. “He’s right. How could you forget that, Henry?” Oh my god, this conversation is ludicrous, but I’m all in now. There’s no going back. “In every single McMuffin there’s a sprinkle of love.”
“Mac!” Jared’s face pales in horror.
Jake’s palm is wrapped around the handle and he’s slowly closing the door as he backs out. Forget the damn door, you twat, I try telling him with my eyes. Just run. I turn on my brother, widening my eyes with feigned nonchalance. “What?”
He huffs and levels his gaze on Henry. “That McMuffin,” he spits the word as Jake is almost out, “contains liquid margarine, which has genetically modified ingredients like hydrogenated soybean oil.”
We all stare at my brother. His folded arms convey both tension and enthusiasm for the subject matter. Even Jake stares for a moment. I glare sideways. Get out already, asshole.
“It’s basically a trans fat,” Jared continues. “Which is linked to cancer, heart attacks, diabetes, asthma, and more. Then there’s the muffin. At least eight genetically modified ingredients there, including some which are banned in certain countries. They’re linked to issues like heart disease and IBS.”
“IBS?” Cooper and Frog mouth silently to each other.
“The cheese, eggs, and bacon?” Jared shakes his head. Right then I know he’s about to ruin McDonalds. Not just for me, but for my friends. “That highly processed cheese comes from unhappy cows injected with synthetic hormones.”
“Aww, man, not unhappy cows,” Frog comments, his shoulders slumping.