nestled in pillows feathered with lies.”
This song’s not my normal thing—slower and more ballady than what my fans want. But it’s more my song than anything else I’ve ever written. I twist through the rest of the lyrics from the birth of the beast through its evolution, and as I sing of its demise, I wonder how I’m supposed to survive without it to hide behind. With the beast banished, what’s left?
But that’s what the last three months have been about: trying to find the guy behind the beast—the guy deep inside me who Lucky seems to see when she looks at me. I’m not sure if that guy even exists, but if he does, that’s who I want to be—someone who might be worth Lucky’s time.
The guys come back somewhere around four, bringing the party with them. I ignore the noise and keep playing until I have it perfect. Somewhere around six, everything outside my door but the music finally goes quiet.
I get up and survey the destruction in the suite. There are several unwrapped women passed out on the couches, and a few of the crew scattered on them and the floor. Grim and Jamie aren’t among them, so they must be in their rooms.
I click off Jamie’s iPod and head back to my room. I flop onto the bed and close my eyes.
When I open them, it’s because my phone is vibrating. I jerk awake and look at it. Every fucking time, I can’t help hoping for Lucky.
It’s never her.
This time, it’s our video guy, texting with a change in time. He says he’s over at the site and the weather and lighting will be better if we push filming back an hour. Says he’ll switch the car he’s sending for us to one. I look at the time and find it’s after eleven.
Got it, I text back, then close the screen. It opens to Skype, the last app I had open before I crashed. And Lucky’s status circle is green. I do the math in my head and figure it’s got to be three in the morning where she’s at. For a long time, I just stare at the green circle, feeling it tug at me the way it always does.
I promised myself I’d give her space if that’s what she needed. But I feel my resolve wavering.
Chapter 28
Shiloh
Bran brought Lilah and me back to her place after closing. That was at two. They slipped into her room a little while later and the apartment’s been quiet for the last hour.
But I can’t sleep.
I’ve always thought the ever-present danger on the streets of San Francisco had taught me to read people, but I guess my internal danger meter only works for thugs and rapists. I never saw Billie’s scam.
Phillip called tonight while we were playing. I saw the message on our way home. He took the decision out of my hands and reported Billie to the cops. I honestly think I’m more pissed at myself than Billie for letting her make a fool out of me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hope she rots in jail.
I sit up and lean against the wall. There’s a full moon outside the picture window that looks toward nothing but a brick wall across the street. I stare out the window and try to figure out what comes next. Lilah says I can stay here as long as I need to, but sooner or later Children and Family Services is going to find out I’m not living with Billie anymore and force me back to the group home. I haven’t lived there since I left for The Voice, and I’m not sure I’m equipped to survive there anymore. I’m softer now than when I left. I feel like I’ve lost my street edge. The shit with Billie was bad, but there are real, hardened criminals in the system who will figure out how to get what they want from me if I’m not careful.
Through the wall next to me, I hear a rustle of sheets and then the creak of bedsprings. There’s a whisper, then the low rumble of Bran’s reply. Lilah obviously waited until she thought I was asleep to wake her man for some playtime.
I get up and tiptoe to the window, away from the wall, hoping to give them some privacy, but there’s nowhere in this tiny apartment I can go that I don’t hear them, all soft whispers and low moans as he loves her.
And it makes me think of Tro.
I hate that with everything else going on in my life right now, I still spend hours watching the status circle next to his Skype avatar change from green to yellow and back, but I can’t help it. It’s the only connection I have to him. I slip my phone off the charger and open the app.
And there he is.