“Absolutely. I’m gestating like nobody’s business.”
“Wow.” I’m so overwhelmed with this information. I don’t know anything about babies: it’s a massive hole in my general knowledge base. I’m going to have to go home and do some research.
“Does your father know?”
“No, you told me not to tell him.”
“Quite right. The man should learn to turn a Post-it over now and then.”
It feels like something tight in my chest is finally starting to unravel; as if everything from the last week is starting to melt. Why didn’t I just come to Annabel in the beginning? Why did I tell her I was OK when I wasn’t?
“Annabel,” I say, folding my arms round my knees. “Can I ask you a question?”
“As long as it’s not about bodily functions. I’m not going to start discussing disgusting things just because I’m pregnant.”
“It’s not about bodily functions.” Then I close my eyes and say in a rush: “Do you hate me?”
Annabel raises an eyebrow. “No,” she says after the longest pause that has ever existed in the history of the world. “I don’t hate you, Harriet.”
I take a deep breath, and without warning everything in my chest comes pouring out. “I didn’t want to lie to you, Annabel, I really didn’t. I mean, I did want to lie to you because that’s why I lied to you, but I didn’t do it to hurt you or because I don’t respect you or I don’t think that you’re usually right all the time, because you are. It’s just… haven’t you ever wanted to be somebody else?”
Annabel looks at me as if I’m mad. “Not really,” she says finally. “Who in particular?”
“Anybody. Just to see what it’s like? Just to see if it’s better? To see if things can be different?”
Annabel thinks about it. “No,” she admits. “Never.”
“Well, that’s what I wanted. I was so tired of being me. And I thought maybe if I became a model instead of a geek, I would be somebody else and my life would change, or maybe everyone else would change, or maybe the way they saw me would change.”
Annabel crosses her ankles under the desk. “Hmm,” she says.
“But nothing’s changed and all I’ve done in the last week is make a big mess of everything, and I don’t know what to do to take any of it back.”
Annabel folds her hands together. “Huh,” she says.
“And my list keeps getting longer,” I continue in a slightly smaller voice. “Longer and longer. I’m in trouble with just about everyone I’ve ever met and I don’t know what to do now, Annabel. I’m out of my depth and I don’t know how to fix it. Just… Just… Please. Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make it all better again.”
I’m not going to cry. I’m not. But now I can feel a lump in my throat I can’t quite swallow. Like when I’m taking those huge vitamins Dad makes me eat in the winter.
Annabel nods calmly. “And what list is this?”
Oh. I forgot she didn’t know about my list. I reach in my pocket, get it out and hand it over the desk. You thought that was just a mental list, for your benefit? No, it’s a real one. I carry it around in my pocket and update it regularly.
“Well, it’s very neat and well spaced,” Annabel says approvingly. “Underlined with a ruler?”
“Of course.” I feel a little burst of pride. “Two lines, actually, if you look carefully.”
“Nice,” Annabel agrees. “Now give me the pen and the ruler. May I mark the list?”
I nod because it’s a bit rude to tell her I don’t really like other people editing my lists.
“Right. So first of all, we’re taking this one off.” And she draws a neat line through her own name. “And I’d appreciate it if you’d stop putting people who love you very much on to lists like this.” She looks at the list again with the pen lid in her mouth and crosses another one off. “And you can take off Mrs Miller too.”
I shake my head. “She’s going to suspend me for missing school.”
“No, she’s not.” Annabel looks straight at me. “Harriet, when are you going to realise that you are just as bad at lying as your father is? I saw your faces when you came out of the agency and therefore kept in daily – sometimes minutely – touch with Wilbur. I gave my permission for you to have your hair cut and I also rang Mrs Miller and explained that you would be taking three days off school and I would supervise the catch-up: two for the trip to Russia and one to recover.”
There’s a stunned silence while my mouth makes an O shape. “But—”
“However clever you think I am, Harriet, I’m much, much cleverer.” Annabel looks at the list. “And you can take Hat Lady and the stall owners off too: I paid them. Or, I should say, I recalculated the damages and paid them what they were actually worth, and then I threatened to sue them for extortion.”
I stare at her with my mouth still open.