Once we were outside on the lawn she tore into me. I deserved everything she said. Even worse, I agreed with everything she said.
"She's special! She deserves better than this-better then you! And to think I encouraged her to go for it! I could kick myself. Now she won't be able to finish school. She could end up waitressing for the rest of her life, do you know that?"
"She won't. I won't let that happen."
"She's not a pet Clay! She's a woman!"
I nodded.
"I know. Come on Frannie, do you really think I wanted any of this to happen? Other than-well, you know."
She narrowed her eyes at me, clearly not sure if she should trust me or not. I smiled at her, trying to charm her into helping me.
"Did you really tell her to-what did you say-go for it?"
She threw up her hands.
"Ugh. You are incorrigible. Come up to the house for some lemonade."
For the next hour we talked about Nev. About what a mess I'd made of things. About what I was going to do to fix it.
I won her over. But I'm not going to lie. There was begging involved.
Lots of begging.
Nevada
I stared at the neon lights blinking softly outside our window. For some reason we'd lucked out and gotten the room right under the damn sign. The blinking, buzzing, ancient 1950's neon sign.
Sure it looked cool when you drove by. Retro sleaze. But staying here was something else altogether.
I sighed and rolled over on the lumpy bed to look at my mom. She was using my laptop. Hers had been company material.
She was trying to find a job. I still had one but it was a major fucking bike ride from this place. This rat hole. I stared at the television blankly.
Thank God for cable.
Finally I forced myself to get up.
"I'm getting a soda. Want anything?"
She shook her head.
"No thank you, love."
I wondered how she could be so nice to me when I'd gotten the two of us into this mess. No matter what else had been going on, this was my fault. I was getting really good at beating myself up.
I was basically an expert.
I nodded and grabbed my wallet. Then I shuffled outside. I was wearing bunny slippers but I didn't care. Nobody was there to see my in my tank top and old PJ shorts.
This place didn't really get hopping until late anyway. Then it was an adulterers playground. Well, plus lunch.
Lots of people checked in for lunch.
I closed the door behind me and froze.
Clay was outside.
I lurched back against the wall and out of the glow of the neon light. He was down there. He'd found me.
He'd found me here.
The scummiest hotel in Sonoma.
The humiliation of it all was too much.
I stepped forward slightly, unable to stop myself. He looked unbelievably handsome down there. He was arguing with clerk. They wouldn't give him our room number from the sound of it.
Clay was trying to bribe the clerk, who shockingly, was not taking the thick wad of cash. He cursed and the clerk went inside. Then he looked up and saw me.
"Nev!"
I panicked, running back toward our hotel room along the open air hallway. Running because I couldn't see him. Not like this.
Running because I was afraid I would throw myself into his arms and beg his forgiveness.
Not that I had anything to apologize for.
Right?
His hand closed over my shoulder just as I reached the door.
"Nev, please wait."
I stopped, breathing heavily. Then I turned and looked at him. He looked awful. Gorgeously, achingly awful.
He looked like he hadn't slept in days. Like he was tormented about something. Like he was in hell.
His eyes pleaded with me. I nodded and stepped away from the door. Then I looked around for a place for us to talk and pointed.
Down there, by the scuzzy looking pool. Lounge chairs. How appropriate. My mother didn't have to ever know.
I saw the curtain twitch.
Scratch that.
Well, at least she didn't have to worry that I would run off with him. That much I could be certain of.
He followed me down to the pool and watched me sit down on one of the grubby old lounge chairs. I wrapped my arms around my shoulders, suddenly cold.
He stared at me. Not speaking. Just staring at me as if I were water and he was lost in the desert for days.
No. Weeks.
Months.
Years.
"What do you want Clay?"
I forced myself to be tough. To act as though he hadn't broken my heart. To act as though he still wasn't breaking it.
"Nevada... why didn't you answer my texts?"
I tossed my head.
"You don't owe me anything. I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not even your friend."
"You are. Both of those things. More."
I looked at him. He meant it. Maybe he was just as fucked up as I was...
"That's nice Clay but it changes nothing. We're from different worlds. I don't belong with you. I can't deal with this anyway. I need to find a job."
"You have a job."
"Yeah well it's not enough. I need another one. I don't have time to date."
"I'm not asking you to date me Nevada. I'm asking you to belong to me."
A shiver ran through me.
"You already do. Whether you know it or not. Let me take care of you."
I stood up.