‘It’s obvious,’ said Bill, in the manner of a detective in the last scene of an Agatha Christie play. ‘These two –’ he gestured at Clive and Sophie – ‘have been at it. Except Clive can never be at it with one person at a time, so it’s all gone wrong. And we have to deal with the consequences.’
Of course, Dennis thought. Of course these two would end up sleeping together. He was a fool to think any different. He took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on the issues at hand. He was a producer, not a spurned lover.
‘Do you want to tell them about Johnny Foreigner, or shall I?’ said Clive to Sophie.
‘Is he the French pop star?’ said Bill. ‘You mentioned him a minute ago.’
‘There won’t be any consequences,’ said Sophie. ‘We’re professional people.’
Clive didn’t say anything.
‘Clive?’ said Dennis. ‘Are you a professional person?’
‘Yes, of course I am,’ said Clive sulkily.
‘Right,’ said Dennis. ‘Shall we start?’
‘Before we read, can I say something?’ said Sophie. ‘About the script?’
Bill made a be-our-guest gesture.
‘Right. Well. I don’t want to talk about having a family.’
‘We’re not asking you to,’ said Bill. ‘We’re asking Barbara to. You can talk about what you want.’
‘It’s too much of a commitment,’ said Sophie.
‘I agree,’ said Clive.
‘I know we’ve told you before, but it’s worth repeating,’ said Bill. ‘These are fictional characters. In the programme, they’re married. In real life, you’re not. We’re not asking you to have an actual baby.’
‘We’re not even asking the characters to have a bloody baby,’ said Tony. ‘We’re asking them to talk about it. They’ve been married for a year and neither of them has shown the slightest bit of interest in raising a family.’
‘I didn’t sign up to be a father,’ said Clive. ‘That’s a different thing entirely.’
‘I know we’ve told you before, but it’s worth repeating,’ said Bill. ‘These are fictional characters. In the –’
‘If I become a fictional father, I have a real commitment to my fictional children,’ said Clive.
‘Ah,’ said Tony. ‘That might be where we’re going wrong. I don’t know who told you that, but it’s not true. An actor has no legal responsibilities to any dependants named in a television comedy script.’
‘I know you think I’m an idiot,’ said Clive. ‘But it isn’t me that gets confused. It’s that lot out there. The viewers. People already say things. If Jim becomes a father, they’ll say more things.’
‘What sort of things?’
‘They …’ He glanced at Sophie nervously. ‘They think I should be at home with Barbara.’
‘When?’
‘When I’m not.’
The others looked at him, fascinated.
‘What do they say?’
‘Oh, you know. “I’ll tell Barbara.” Things like that. They’ve been saying it all the time we’ve been off the air.’
‘What are you doing when they say it?’ Sophie asked.
‘Nothing! Having dinner with a colleague.’
‘Aren’t we your colleagues?’
‘Colleagues in the acting industry.’
‘I don’t understand,’ said Sophie. ‘You’re in a pub …’
‘For example,’ said Clive.
‘… having a pint with another chap …’
She left a pause, but Clive decided not to fill it.
‘… and people say that they’ll tell Barbara? Why would they do that?’
‘And what does it matter what they say?’ said Tony.
‘I don’t like it,’ said Clive. ‘And it’s embarrassing for my, my colleagues.’
‘These fellas, just standing there drinking their pints.’
‘I wonder,’ said Bill, scratching his chin thoughtfully, ‘whether it gets even more confusing because you’ve been having sex with the actress who plays Barbara?’
‘They don’t know that.’
‘They probably will by now,’ said Sophie. ‘That’s all anyone seems to talk about these days, my sex life.’
‘Confusing for you, I meant,’ said Bill. ‘You probably wouldn’t mind them saying that they’ll tell Barbara if you didn’t care whether Barbara knew.’
‘There’s nothing for Barbara to know,’ said Clive.
‘There’s nothing you want to tell her, anyway.’
‘All I’m saying is that it’s a right palaver, being on a successful TV show,’ said Clive. ‘And I don’t want to make it worse. What if I wanted to leave?’
‘Are you talking as Jim or Clive?’
‘Clive, you idiot.’
‘If you left, we would no longer have a show entitled Barbara (and Jim),’ said Bill.
‘That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.’
‘It would just be called Barbara,’ said Sophie. She never tired of that joke.
‘But that’s what worries me,’ said Clive. ‘If I walked out on Barbara and the kids, I wouldn’t be able to go out anywhere. I’d be attacked in the street.’
‘What about you, Sophie?’ said Dennis. ‘Why don’t you want kids?’
‘I do,’ said Sophie. ‘I just don’t want them with him.’