‘I was asking a question,’ said Dennis.
‘Barbara and Jim,’ said Tony. ‘Barbara and Jim.’
‘Thrilling, isn’t it?’ said Bill. ‘Things you will never hear the Great British Public say – number one in an occasional series. “Oh, I can’t wait to find out who Barbara and Jim are.” ’
‘You know what we were talking about the other day?’ said Dennis. ‘How this is Sophie’s show?’
‘Were you?’ said Sophie.
‘You weren’t supposed to know about it, though,’ said Tony. He looked at Dennis meaningfully.
‘Why is it my show?’ said Sophie.
‘Never you mind,’ said Bill.
‘I wonder if we can convey that in some way,’ said Dennis.
‘We’re not talking about it, though,’ said Bill. ‘We’re especially not talking about it in front of the cast.’
‘Why is it my show?’ said Sophie.
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ said Bill. ‘Because you’re the pretty one and he’s smitten, you get all the gags and he’s the straight man.’
‘Oh,’ she said.
‘You hadn’t noticed?’
She’d certainly noticed that she’d got more laughs during the rehearsals, but she’d thought this was because she was winning, beating Clive at a game. It hadn’t occurred to her that she’d simply been given more gags.
‘Perhaps we should make it official,’ said Dennis. ‘And I know you’ll laugh, but I have another punctuation idea.’
‘I’m not going to laugh,’ said Bill. ‘I promise.’
‘Brackets around the “and Jim”. Barbara (and Jim). Barbara open bracket and Jim close bracket.’
Bill laughed.
‘Funny?’ said Dennis hopefully.
‘Only because of what it will do to Clive’s self-esteem,’ said Bill. ‘That makes it hilarious.’
‘Oh,’ said Dennis. ‘I hadn’t thought of that.’
‘Then let’s not tell him until after the recording.’
‘We can’t do that,’ said Dennis.
‘Put it another way,’ said Tony. ‘We definitely can’t do it before. I know him. He won’t show up.’
‘Can you do that?’ said Sophie. ‘Just not show up?’
It had never occurred to her, and maybe it was something to consider.
‘Of course,’ said Bill. ‘As long as you don’t mind never working again.’
Sophie stopped considering. She decided that her personal problems were of no relevance to her colleagues and went to get changed for the final rehearsals.
6
On the day of the recording, Clive discovered that from the dressing room you could hear the conversations of the audience members queuing outside. You couldn’t not hear them, unless you hummed loudly to yourself at all times.
‘At least the tickets are free,’ the loudest voice, a man, from the sound of it middle-aged, was saying.
‘They had to be,’ said a woman. ‘Nobody would have paid for them. Have you heard of anybody?’
‘The bloke rings a bell,’ said another man. ‘Clive somebody.’
‘What’s he been in, then?’
‘That’s just it. I haven’t a clue.’
A fourth person joined the conversation, another woman.
‘Did you listen to The Awkward Squad?’
‘Oh, that was awful.’
‘Did you think so?’
‘That daft Captain, with his silly posh voice.’
‘Well, that was Clive Richardson.’
‘Oh, Gawd. Not him.’
‘I thought he was funny.’
‘Come off it.’
‘I did.’
‘That silly posh voice?’
‘He was putting it on. For comic effect.’
‘I hope he leaves it off tonight. Still, it’s only half an hour, isn’t it?’
There was a knock on Clive’s door.
‘It’s me,’ said Sophie. ‘Are you listening to all this?’
Clive let her in.
‘I don’t have much choice. Only the BBC would let the audience queue up outside the dressing rooms.’
‘I thought it was quite interesting.’
‘That’s because they haven’t been talking about you.’
With exquisite timing, Clive’s female fan brought up the subject of Sophie.
‘She’s supposed to be hopeless, though.’
‘I thought she was a newcomer.’
‘Oh, no. My daughter saw her in Clacton, in a summer show.’
Clive looked at Sophie and Sophie shook her head.
‘Thinks she’s it, apparently. My daughter waited half an hour for an autograph and she just walked right past her. Mind you, what my daughter was going to do with her autograph I don’t know.’
‘Might be worth keeping if this takes off,’ said one of the men.
‘Yes, but it won’t take off, will it?’ said the woman. ‘Not with her in it.’
‘Or him.’
‘She’ll be the problem.’
‘They both will.’
‘I don’t mind him.’
‘I don’t like either of them. Oh, well. What else are you going to do?’
‘I’ve been to one before,’ said the woman. ‘It’s nearer an hour, once they’ve got everyone settled and the warm-up man’s told his jokes.’
‘What was the warm-up chap like? Last time?’
‘Oh, you know. Not very good. Not as funny as he thinks he is.’