‘Like fish in a barrel,’ said Bill.
‘You never learn, Dennis, do you?’ said Clive.
Dennis rolled his eyes.
‘But … Shouldn’t I go and be a funny secretary in a terrible play first?’
‘If that’s what you want to do, be our guest,’ said Bill. ‘And come back and see us in five years. But we haven’t really got time to plot out your career, because we urgently need someone to play Barbara. So if you’re not interested, clear off.’
‘I think I could do it,’ said Sophie.
‘You?’ said Bill, mock-surprised. ‘Well. That’s an idea. What do you think, Tony?’
‘Hmmm,’ said Tony. ‘I’m not sure. What’s she been in?’
Sophie knew they were joking, but she was much closer to tears of desperation than to laughter.
‘Stop torturing the poor girl,’ said Dennis.
The two writers groaned with disappointment.
‘Here’s the thing,’ said Tony. ‘If you’re lucky, you meet the right people at the right time.’
‘And we’ve met the right person at the right time,’ said Dennis.
It took a while for Sophie to understand that he was talking about her.
She went in to see Brian the next morning.
‘I’ve got a job,’ she said.
‘You didn’t have to do that,’ he said. ‘I told you. Do things my way and you’ll be fine.’
‘I thought I was allowed to do things my way for a month.’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘But I didn’t want you going back to Barkers of Kensington afterwards.’
‘Derry and Toms.’
‘That may be a step up, I don’t know. But it seems like the same thing to me.’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I used to work at Derry and Toms. I’m not going back there. I got the Comedy Playhouse part.’
‘The part of the wife?’
‘No, they’re taking a chance and giving me the husband.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ said Brian.
‘I thought you’d be pleased.’
‘Of course I’m not pleased. It wasn’t a very good script, you’re not right for it, it won’t go to series and it’ll take me that bit longer to get you spray-painted.’
‘They’re changing the script.’
‘Why?’
‘I told them it wasn’t very good.’
‘They liked that, did they?’
‘They seemed to. They’re writing a new one for me.’
Brian stared at her.
‘Are you sure any of this actually happened? Who was there?’
‘Clive, Dennis, Tony and Bill.’
‘And have they cleared this with Tom?’
‘Who’s Tom?’
‘Tom Sloan. The Head of Light Entertainment.’
‘Not yet.’
‘Ah.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Maybe we shouldn’t call off the bikini-shopping expedition on Monday after all.’
‘You were going to take me bikini-shopping?’
‘Not me, dear. Patsy. I’m not interested in looking at curvy young women in bikinis. I’m deeply in love with my wife and I’m only interested in money.’
She now understood that Brian emphasized his feelings for his wife over and over again for the same reason that people with a fear of heights told themselves not to look down when they were at the top of a tall building: he was afraid. Every time she went into his office, another beautiful young woman was coming out. It was sweet, really. He actually was deeply in love with his wife and he wanted to keep it that way.
Tom Sloan told Dennis that he wouldn’t dream of casting an unknown actress in the role of Cicely.
‘Well,’ said Dennis, ‘she’s not called Cicely any more. She’s called Barbara and she’s from Blackpool. It’s a whole new script.’
‘Who on earth are you going to get to play someone called Barbara from Blackpool?’
‘Sophie Straw,’ said Dennis.
‘Who’s Sophie Straw?’
‘She’s the woman you said you wouldn’t dream of casting.’
‘Right,’ said Tom. ‘So your only argument is a circular one.’
‘It’s what the boys want.’
‘Really? What about you?’
It was what Dennis wanted, but whenever he was in Tom Sloan’s office, the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ seemed impossible to say. They contained none of the ambiguity that meetings with his superiors seemed to require. In the past, he had found himself watching what everyone else was doing before committing himself firmly and irrevocably to tea or coffee, if it was being offered. But he did want Sophie. He thought she was funny, and magnetic, and beautiful. And also he thought she’d be brilliant in the role that the boys were creating for her. They would all regret it if Tom put his foot down.
Oh, to hell with it.
‘I think it’s an interesting idea,’ he said. He could feel his pulse start to race.
‘A good idea?’
Tom Sloan (left) in happier Eurovision days
He hesitated.
‘Well. On balance, I don’t think it’s the worst idea in the world.’
He hadn’t known he had it in him.
Sloan sighed.
‘You’d better give me this whole new script, then.’
‘It doesn’t exist yet. They only met Sophie on Thursday.’
Tom shook his head impatiently.