‘But did you think it was funny?’
‘Funny,’ she repeated, as if this were a quality that she hadn’t previously considered in her assessment of their comedy script.
‘Jokes and things.’
‘Well,’ she said. And then, because she’d now met them all and she wasn’t going to see them again, ‘No.’
For some reason, this answer seemed to delight Bill and Tony.
‘We told you!’ Bill said to Dennis.
‘You always say everything’s awful,’ said Dennis. ‘I never know when to believe you.’
‘What do you think is wrong with it?’ said Bill.
‘Can I be honest?’ she said.
‘Yes. We want honesty.’
‘Everything,’ she said.
‘So when you said you enjoyed it …’
‘I didn’t,’ she said. ‘Not at all. I’m not being funny …’
‘You’re not the only one,’ said Clive.
‘But … I didn’t understand what it was supposed to be about.’
‘Fair enough,’ said Tony.
‘Why did you want to write it?’
‘We were asked,’ said Bill.
‘Asked to do what, though?’
‘We were asked to come up with a show about marriage,’ said Dennis.
‘Oh,’ said Sophie. ‘So why didn’t you do that?’
Bill laughed and clutched at his chest, as if Sophie had just stabbed him in the heart.
‘See, in The Awkward Squad, the people seemed real, even the sort of cartoonish ones. These two, the husband and wife, they seem like cartoons even though they just say normal things without jokes in.’
Bill leaned forward in his seat and nodded.
‘And all the stuff about marriage … It’s like it’s just been stuck on. I mean, they’re always arguing. But there’s no reason for them to argue, is there? They’re exactly the same. And he must have known she was a bit dopey before he proposed.’
She got her first laugh from Clive then.
‘You can shut up,’ Bill said to him.
‘And why is she a vicar’s daughter? I know her father’s a vicar. But … it never gets mentioned again. Are you just saying she’s got iron knickers? What’s she going to do with them, once she’s married? They’ll have to come off.’
‘Right,’ said Bill. ‘Thanks.’
‘Sorry,’ said Sophie. ‘I’ve probably said too much.’
‘No, this is all very helpful,’ said Tony.
‘And why is she so dopey anyway? It says in the script she’s been to college. How did she manage that? She couldn’t find her way to the bus stop, let alone university.’
‘Well,’ said Clive, with an air of satisfaction. ‘There’s nothing left to audition for. You’ve destroyed it.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, and she stood up to leave. She had no intention of going anywhere until they threw her out, but if nobody said anything to stop her, at least she’d know it was over.
‘We can read through it, and then Bill and Tony can go off and do another draft.’
‘Another draft of what, though?’ said Bill. ‘It’s like Clive said. There’s nothing left.’
‘Let’s read through it anyway,’ said Dennis. ‘Please. We’re recording it in just under two weeks.’
There was a lot of grumbling, but no dissent. Everyone turned to the first page. Sophie was torn. She wanted to read as well as she could; she also wanted to read at a snail’s pace. She was desperate to make the afternoon last as long as possible; she wanted to stay in this room, with these people, for ever.
COMEDY PLAYHOUSE
4