“Okay.”
“I have to go,” I said, trying to muster strength for the decision that lay ahead. I’d gone to sleep last night floating on hopeful peace, and woke up feeling seasick. The impact of Jonah’s revelation descended like a storm howling through my head. Last night I thought I knew what to do. This morning, I didn’t know where I was and didn’t trust myself to be strong enough for anyone. The band, Jonah, or even myself.
My only certainty was if I didn’t continue the tour while I tried to figure things out, the legal hammer would fall for breaking my contract, and I’d be left with no options at all.
I turned from the window. “Let’s go.”
Jonah touched my shoulder gently. “I’ll walk you out.”
He carried my bags for me to the parking lot where Jimmy waited impatiently, the heat cloying and making him even more anxious than usual.
I leaned close to Jonah. “I don’t want to say goodbye with him watching.”
“Neither do I.”
“Need one more minute, Jimmy,” I called, my voice scratchy with the echo of tears.
Jimmy checked his watch and mumbled something as Jonah set down my bags at the edge of the parking lot. We walked over to the small courtyard and I noticed he wore a light jacket even though the temperature must have been pushing 100°. He pulled a softball-sized box from the pocket and held it out to me.
“A going away present,” he said, a tremor at the edge of his voice.
I took the box and opened it. The sun glinted off glass and tears blurred my eyes. It was the perfume bottle, finished and perfect. Elegant ribbons of violet and indigo swirled around its small, squat body. The neck opened in a flat circle and the stopper was a beautiful, clear marble. I held it up, letting the sun shine through the empty interior.
Not empty, I thought. It holds Jonah’s breath.
Afraid I would drop it, I put the bottle back in its box and held it tightly to me. I looked up at him. “I’m afraid,” I whispered. “I’m afraid if I go, I’m failing myself. If I stay, I fail the band. And you. You said hanging around hospitals wasn’t your ex-girlfriend’s thing. It’s not mine either. I’m so scared I’ll fail you if I stay.”
His smile was so sweet and warm, but sad too. Yellow tinged with blue. “You can’t fail me. I don’t expect anything from you, Kacey. Only friendship, as much or as little as you want to give.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“You will,” Jonah said. “Go to your room in your next house or hotel, away from the band. Shut the door and lock it, and in the quiet ask yourself what you really want to do. You, Kacey Dawson. What do you want for yourself? Don’t think about me or Lola or Jimmy or anyone else. Just you.”
What I wanted. I thought I knew but could I come back here for it? Could I find the strength to stand on my own? And if I did, how fast would the four months go? Could I watch Jonah…?
I shuddered, unwilling to even finish the thought, and the coward in me whispered I didn’t have the backbone for what I wanted.
“Contracts are almost impossible to break,” I said. “I might be stuck no matter what.”
“You might. But the right thing will always find a way.” He took a step closer. “Be safe, okay? Above all else, be safe.”
I nodded and leaned against him. His arms went around me and I turned my face into his chest, inhaling deeply. I wanted to take some of Jonah with me, the part that kept me settled and calm and quiet.
We walked back out to the parking lot where Jimmy was pacing in front of the sedan and tugging at his collar of his dress shirt in the heat.
“Jesus, kitten, I’m dying out here. Let’s go already. We got to be at the airport in two hours.”
He and Jonah eyed each other hard while the sedan driver took my bags and stowed them in the trunk. The driver held the door open for me, and Jimmy motioned for me to get in.
Jonah leveled a finger at Jimmy. “You take care of her.”
“Of course. We got a brand-new opening act, as promised.” Jimmy’s smile was bright and fake. “I take care of my girls. They’re like daughters to me.”
Jonah raised an eyebrow, and his stare hardened to ice.
Jimmy coughed. “Never mind,” he said, climbing into the car. “We got a schedule to keep.”
I turned back to Jonah. He looked down at me and our eyes locked. In the next heartbeat I was standing on my tiptoes and pressing my lips to his. He made a sound in his chest, as if in pain, and I felt the answering ache in mine. I pulled away before the soft kiss became a hard promise I couldn’t keep.
I turned and climbed into the car and didn’t look back. Not even to wave.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
The Summerlin house was trashed. I stood in the center of my room, staring at the mess. The cigarette burns in the carpet, the makeup residue in the sink, unidentifiable stains on the carpet.