‘Bags, girls,’ he repeated. ‘Put them on the table here and open them please.’
My heart began to thump so loudly I couldn’t believe Mr Jenkins wouldn’t hear it. I tried not to look at Sophie as I fumbled with the clasp of my tiny black shoulder bag, opening it to reveal a small sequined purse, a mirror and the plum lipstick. He gave it back and then nodded at Sophie, who slowly laid her silver clutch on the table, pressing my foot with hers as she did so. Mr Jenkins lifted the flap and poked a finger inside, shifting the contents about. His finger paused for a second and he reddened, before handing the bag back to her.
‘Have a good night, girls.’
We walked into the foyer and I turned to Sophie.
‘Where is it? Why were you kicking me like that?’ I hissed.
Sophie grinned and pulled down her dress at the front to reveal a small plastic bag of blue pills tucked inside her black lace bra.
‘I was just messing with you! You should have seen your face! Good job Mr Jenkins didn’t attempt a full body search, he was shocked enough at this!’ She plucked a condom from her bag and waved it at me. ‘Mind you, he’d love doing a full body search; he’s such a perv.’
I gave her a half-hearted shove in the arm, and we walked in and peered around the hall. It was only 7.30 so not yet dark outside, but they’d closed all the curtains and put the disco lights on which had produced a strange twilight effect. Neneh Cherry’s ‘Manchild’ was playing and nobody was dancing except Lorna Sixsmith and Katie Barr who are inexplicably obsessed with the song and know every word.
‘There’s Matt,’ Sophie said, hustling me over to the ‘bar’, which obviously was only serving fruit juice, coke or lemonade. Matt was surveying the room, effortlessly cool in suit trousers, white T-shirt and Converse trainers.
‘God, this is lame,’ he said to Sophie. ‘Are we really going to stay?’
‘Of course!’ said Sophie. ‘Anyway, don’t worry, I’ve got the supplies you and Sam sorted for me.’
She pulled down her dress again to show him the contents of her bra, although this time she did it a little slower in an attempt to tease him. I could tell how much he wanted not to look, not to give her the satisfaction, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away.
‘Look, are you sure about this?’ Matt turned to me, pulling his gaze from Sophie’s cleavage. ‘What if something goes wrong – really wrong, I mean?’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, don’t be such an old woman!’ Sophie said. ‘It’ll be fine – it’s only an E. We do them all the time, don’t we? Louise isn’t worried, are you?’ She turned to me impatiently.
‘No,’ I said untruthfully. In fact I was petrified, but I was keeping my fear, which was a small and solid thing, securely locked in the corner of my mind where I keep unpleasant truths.
‘Louise is the one who’s got to do it though,’ Matt persisted. ‘It’s easy for you to say.’ I was touched that he was willing to challenge Sophie on my behalf, despite his obvious attraction to her.
‘No, it’s OK,’ I said. ‘I want to do it.’ I couldn’t back out on Sophie again. She may have forgiven me for the tampon incident, but if I messed this up, she’d never speak to me again.
‘Right, so that’s settled. We’ll see you later, grandma.’ Sophie took my hand and hauled me off to talk to Claire and Joanne on the other side of the dance floor. As the conversation rose and fell, Sophie kept my hand in hers, squeezing it occasionally when one of them said something funny, or particularly dumb. She refused to let the other girls shut me out, deliberately including me in the conversation at every turn, and every time a doubt crept into my mind it was banished by the warm pressure of her fingers on mine. I fizzed inside with anticipation, with the pure joy of sharing a secret with Sophie that the other girls didn’t know.
There was only one way into the hall, and I could see the door out of the corner of my eye. On one level I chatted and laughed and took the piss out of other girls’ outfits, but all the time I was watching and waiting, hardly able to breathe for the weight of expectation that sat unmoving on my chest.
Around eight o’clock I was rewarded for my vigilance. Maria was wearing a midnight-blue knee-length dress that I’m sure we’d seen in Topshop that day we went to the fair. Her hair was loose and she was smiling at the girl next to her, with whom she was arm in arm. I had to look twice before I realised who it was. Maria must have done her own makeover on Esther as she looked pretty decent in a black skirt and dark red wrap-over top. She even had some make-up on. A couple of steps behind them, eyeballing the room like a bodyguard scanning for potential assassins, came Tim. The girls walked over to the bar, seemingly oblivious to everyone else and ordered two cokes, which came served with a straw, like at a children’s party. Maria turned to Tim and asked him something. He shook his head. She looked annoyed and there was a short altercation, which ended with him stomping off to the other side of the hall and flinging himself down in a chair.
I felt Sophie’s fingers tug on mine. ‘Come on, let’s go to the toilet.’
We crammed ourselves into a cubicle and Sophie reached inside her bra for the bag. She took out one of the tablets and put it into another small bag, which she laid on the closed loo seat. Taking a heavy Zippo lighter out of her bag, she started to hammer the pill in its bag. It soon began to break up into smaller pieces and after a few minutes had been reduced to a fine dust.
‘OK, that should do it,’ she said, holding out the bag, hand totally steady. ‘Ready?’
Was I? I took the bag anyway.
‘I’ll go first, to avoid suspicion,’ she said.
I waited for a few moments, eyes closed, fear and excitement sending tiny shockwaves around my body. As I walked back down the corridor to the hall alone, the bag of powder now wedged between my breasts, Matt and Sam were walking towards me. Sam’s eyes widened momentarily at the sight of me, and as we drew near I could feel his attraction, tangible in the air between us. Again I felt the thrill of a power I’d never known before. This must be what it was like to be Sophie.
‘There you are,’ said Matt. ‘You know you don’t have to do this, right? If it’s easier, you could just go home now, say you’re not feeling well or something.’
I was moved by his concern, and by his understanding of the fact that I might need an excuse to give Sophie, rather than being able to say I’d simply changed my mind.
‘Yeah,’ added Sam. ‘It’s totally up to you. No one’s going to think any worse of you or anything.’
Except Sophie. The words hung in the air and even though nobody spoke them, I knew they were in all our minds. I also knew that whatever they said, my decision was already made. I’d made it the night of the party at Sam’s house, when I took the E, when I burned my bridges with Maria. If I failed tonight I’d lose Sophie too, and then what would I have?