When I reach my car and find him leaned against the passenger side door, my body sings with pure elation. Mine.
And every night, he reinforces that. Every night, he comes and sits there in the chair beside me. As time passes, he grows bolder, covering himself with a blanket, resting his forehead on the side of the chair, getting me more water before he disappears downstairs.
It’s not until one night when I wrinkle my nose to try to alleviate an itch that my eyes open accidentally, and I find his gaze on me.
I try to feign sleep, but Landon grins.
“How long have you known…”
“That you’re awake?” He laughs. I cover my face with my hand, and he says, “How long have you known that I come in here?”
I laugh. “For a while, maybe.”
His face is warm, his eyes alight. “Me too. Maybe.”
“You’re a rat.” I sit up, leaning slightly toward him.
“You use stairs at school.” His face goes solemn.
I nod.
“And yet…”
And yet, I’m still down here on the couch at night. “I know.”
He steeples his fingers, looking over them at me like an old-school psychoanalyst. “Why is that?”
My heart beats wildly. I whisper, “Because I want to see you.”
I can see my words hit his face. He looks surprised—and happy—and then, right thereafter, grave. “You can’t want that,” he says softly.
I’m surprised to find that I feel angry. “Why not? You do.”
“Yes, and I’m discreet, Evie. No one knows how much I need you. That I can’t sleep unless I sit here with you first. That I need the ride to school and home with you. I need to be near you. No one knows that. No one will ever find out.”
I reach for him, and Landon stares down at my hand before he takes it, cradling it in both of his.
“I know,” I whisper, looking into his gray eyes.
“I know you know. Because you know me.”
He leans down then, wrapping his arm around me, pulling me slightly up against his chest. He doesn’t kiss me, doesn’t even move, he just holds me up against him. I can feel his heart beat through the fabric of his T-shirt.
“Evie… Please,” he murmurs into my hair. “We have to be so smart about this.” His arms hold me tighter, even as he says, “There shouldn’t be a ‘this.’”
I urge him closer to me, and because he can’t—there’s space between his chair and the couch—Landon shifts onto the couch’s edge. He pulls me closer to him, and we sit there, wrapped up in each other, hugging with our cheeks side by side.
“I feel good with you,” I whisper.
“It’s not supposed to feel so good.” His words are groaned.
And then our mouths meet, frantic, our hands grasping, our chests panting. His hands cup my head and mine latch onto his thick arms. He kisses like a starving man, like he can’t wait another second—and it’s okay, because I can’t either. We kiss until my body is boiling, and his hand is underneath my shirt, stroking my lower belly, and he’s gasping. Then I start to moan and Landon rocks away from me. He puts some couch between us and regards me with strange, hypnotized gray eyes. His lids are low, and he looks almost drunk.
“Evie…” He looks down at his hands. They look like they’re shaking. When his gaze rises to mine, it’s somber. “Go upstairs tomorrow night. I can’t stay away from you.”
I feel like I’ve come undone. When he hugs me, tight and hard, then quickly leaves the room, I let him go.
Landon
For several days, we hardly talk. The rides to school and back are strained, and in the silence of the car, I ache for Evie. To have met her somewhere, anywhere, but here. To be able to touch her, talk to her, to know her, without consequences.
The first Monday in November, Evie’s father, Dean, takes me to get my driver’s license. He pays the fees and pats me on the back when I pass, and then buys me a burger and a milkshake. I feel like I’m being strangled by my guilt.
I might be stupid, but I’m not ignorant. I know it’s unwise, what I’m doing. And yet…it’s as if I’m living in an alternate reality where I can’t control myself. Where I don’t have real choices. Hell—where I don’t even want them.
I’m driving Evie’s car to school on Friday morning when I can’t stop myself: I pull over behind a gas station, look over at her, and, when I see her looking the same way at me, I lean over and wrap my arms around her.
“Evie…”
“Landon.”
We kiss out days of pent-up tension, clinging to each other as our mouths dance and our bodies ache. When our panting fills the cab, Evie pulls away, laughing. She smooths my shirt and takes a tissue from her purse to try to get the lipstick off my jaw.
“I’m sorry,” I say as she wipes my cheek. “That was stupid.”
“I like stupid.” Her soft voice is sultry. “Be more stupid.”
During soccer practice, my eyes boomerang to Evie on her bench no matter where I am. I’m playing for her, practicing harder than I need to in the hopes that Ev will watch me and she’ll be impressed.
After soccer, I rush to her car. I want to touch her, but I can’t. Not in the parking lot. On the drive home, I find a car wash, and when the water starts to pelt the car, I kiss her gently, showing Evie with my mouth that this is not just frantic need for me. I let my mouth linger on hers while I stroke her neck and back. I make Evie pant with need, and then I kiss her throat and chuckle darkly as she squirms.
“Landon,” she groans.
“What do you want?” I ask, loving the tease.
“I want you to touch me.”
“Later…”
Later, after dinner, Evie goes upstairs, and I go down into the basement, where I take a cold shower. Then I wrestle with myself, with what I want, and what’s smart. Can I be smart? I don’t know. Fucking hell, but I don’t know.
I pace around the room and when I hear her knock, I’m not surprised at all. I find her in soft, green shorts and a white shirt that’s cropped above her belly button. Her hair is down around her shoulders, and her eyes are twinkling.
She gives me a little grin and reaches for me. “I just want to be with you.”
What ignites such flames? I don’t understand, and I don’t give a fuck.
Stupid it is.
We kiss on my bed, fast and fearless, until my body shakes with want and need, and I push her away.
“Why’d you do that?” she whispers.
Fucking Evie.
I get up and pace to the bookshelf, where the kid toys they bought for the little boy they were expecting have been replaced by books from Evie’s father’s shelves.
“Come back to the bed. Both of my parents are asleep…”
I kiss her like I want to, confining my hands to her upper back and shoulders. Evie rubs my pecs and down my abs until I pull her hands away. I lean my forehead against hers. She kisses my cheek.
“It’s late. Are you sleepy?” she whispers.
I shake my head, laughing. She kisses me again, then shifts away. “Put your head in my lap.” She pulls a pillow into her lap, and I stretch out with my head there. Evie strokes my hair.
“My lonely boy…”
I blink at the white walls. Do I like it that she sees that? That I’m so transparent to her? Maybe so, I decide. Maybe it feels good to…be known.