I wanted to shout at her to “just move it, bitch,” but I didn’t. I just sat there, feeling even more inferior and cheap.
“Let’s see.” TJ sat back, a wide smile on his face for the waitress, his eyes looking at her admiringly. Gone was the cold, calculating look. And in its place, instead, was an interested, happy face. My heart dropped as I watched him pick up the glass and take a sip. He swallowed slowly and then he looked at Madeline in approval. “Very, very nice. You have good taste.”
“Thank you.” She blushed and ran her hand through her hair. “I’ll be back to take your food order in a few minutes.”
“Sounds great,” TJ said. “Though maybe I’ll let you pick for me.”
“You’d trust me for that?” she asked with a huge smile.
“I’d trust you with a lot more than that.” He winked at her and then I saw him give me a quick look, as if to see if I was paying attention. His eyes met mine, and he looked at me and studied my face for a second before I turned my face away from him.
“Okay, I’ll be back,” Madeline said and I watched as she and TJ exchanged one last smile. The look on TJ’s face was one of teasing happiness and it made my heart fall heavily. The happiness and excitement that I’d been feeling earlier in the day was completely gone. I’d been fooling myself, telling myself that TJ wanted me and was falling for me as well. This was nothing to him. I was nothing to him and I never would be.
***
TJ dropped me off after a very quiet dinner and said he had to go back to the office to do some work. I just nodded and got out of the car without even looking at him. I felt completely broken and dejected. My spirits were low and all I wanted to do was call Sally. I couldn’t deal with this. I couldn’t deal with TJ treating me like this. I couldn’t deal with being around him and not really having him.
It had never really hit me until that moment that there was never going to be a happily-ever-after with TJ. He just wasn’t into me in that way. All he wanted was sex and to have a good time. I couldn’t even be mad. He’d never given me any reason to think any other way.
My body flashed hot and cold as I walked into his apartment and I immediately walked to his bathroom and started running a bath. All I wanted to do was soak and cry and get it out. Then I’d call Sally. Right now, I needed hot water over me.
I took off my shoes and started to take off my skirt and underwear. Tears started streaming down my face as I got undressed. I grabbed my phone and clicked on my music icon so I could listen to some James Bay while I had my bath. I loved his music, it was emotional, and while I knew I should listen to something hard and more rock-like to get over my depressed state, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I stepped into the bath and squealed as the hot water burned me, but I didn’t jump out. I deserved the pain for being such a dumbass. I slowly started to sit down as the water continued to sting me. And then the song, “If You Ever Want to Be in Love” started playing through my phone. The tears came even faster as I finally submerged myself in the water and sat down; the tears were both for my heartache and the scalding the water was giving me.
I leaned back and closed my eyes as I let the water crash over me. The tears streamed down my face and all I could picture was TJ’s face as he’d smiled at the waitress—how happy and light-hearted he’d been as he’d innocently flirted with her. I’d seen the look he’d given her. It was fun, flirty, carefree and she’d responded in the same way. I couldn’t ever remember him ever giving me that look. When I was younger he’d looked at me as his best friend’s younger sister who was dorky, and he’d teased me relentlessly. Sometimes he’d looked at me with more emotion, when he’d listened to me talk about exams or heartaches or other silly things that had bothered me. He’d given me hugs, been caring, but he’d never given me a look of instant attraction, of love, of real interest.
And now, now that we were older and doing things I’d only hoped we’d be doing, some of his looks had changed. I’d seen lust in his eyes. I’d seen bare-naked want, but I’d not seen that innocent attraction, the admiration, the stirrings of a beginning love. I’d only fooled myself into thinking that we could have something real. He’d told me over and over again that this was a contract. He’d told me over and over he didn’t do love. He’d reminded me that he wasn’t the man for me. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t listened to him.