Okay, let’s talk about my mom and dad. Nothing has changed. Mom still drinks and my dad is still not interested in me. I spent a night at his place and he took me out for dinner. But he didn’t know what to say to me. I swear it was like the weirdest conversation ever! How’s the fish? Do you want another Coke? Um, yeah, okay Dad. . . . Is that really all he has to say to me?
Before all this I was just his great mistake, right? Well, my mom was his great mistake and I was the aftermath. I just don’t get it. I’m his daughter! Does he feel guilty because he couldn’t keep me safe or is he ashamed of me because I slept with so many men? One thing I know for certain, I’m not his innocent little girl anymore. Daddies always see their daughters in a certain light. Well, I want the lights to go out. I don’t want my dad to see me at all anymore.
How do I get drugs? Seriously? I don’t know how. Do I go to some street corner here in Potomac and wait? Do I steal my mom’s car and drive back to Baltimore? Where do I get them? Where? Believe it or not, I actually miss something about my old life. Back there, when the business of living hurt too much, I could always take a pill.
I spend most of my time in my bedroom. I feel sort of better surrounded by my things. I say sorta because it all looks so childish to me now. Like I’ve outgrown everything I own. My clothes, my books, my posters, my music, everything. It belongs to a girl who didn’t know anything about the big bad world. Now that I know—taken a bite of the forbidden apple kind of know—I want to get rid of it all. The old Nadine is gone and this new person doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Anna Kendrick. This new Nadine no longer believes we could be BFFs.
So that was awful. JUST AWFUL! I went over to Sophia’s house for the first time today. Her parents were home and the way Sophia’s dad looked at me made me kind of sick. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe he wasn’t looking at me in that way. Maybe her dad just reminded me of the other dads who for whatever reason forgot they had daughters of their own.
Anyway, it was so awkward there I wanted to scream. Brianna, Sophia, Hannah, Madison, we were in Sophia’s basement, all together for the first time. Yes, I ran away, but I didn’t run away from them. I ran away from my mom mostly because there’s only so much a girl can take. But I never wanted to leave my friends. So now we were together again at last. But it wasn’t like before. I forgave and forgot everything Ricardo pointed out to me. Jump off a bridge 4 real. Calling me fat, those things. That’s just girl-trash-talk. I mean I’ve said mean things to them, but it was always jokingly, and even if they were serious I needed my friends more than anything, so forgive and forget I say.
For the longest time nobody said a word. We just sat on the couch drinking soda and watching some crap on MTV. I mean it’s so unlike us. Before, when we were all together, you couldn’t get us to stop talking. But this was awkward to the max. Sure, I got some hugs. Some, how are you doing? That kind of thing. But then it was the silent treatment. So I just blurted out—No I didn’t get pregnant! No I don’t have an STD or AIDS. YES I’ve been contacted by a bunch of people who want me to sell my story. NO I’m not selling it. YES I screwed a lot of guys! A LOT! What else do you want to know? How do we get over this? I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
But here’s the thing, and I think I just figured it out while I was writing this all down. They didn’t want to know. Not really. They wanted it to be something they might have heard about, or saw on Law and Order: SVU, or caught a snippet of on Dateline or whatever. They didn’t want it be something they could reach over and touch.
I was just too damn real for them.
Thank God Sophia came around! Thank you thank you thank you. xoxo She came over and we got honest with each other. No BS. I told her how everyone made me feel so cheap and unworthy. She apologized and we ate ice cream and well, I felt a whole lot better. Ice cream can fix anything, I swear. We must have talked for five hours straight. I told her what happened, I told everything as I could remember it, and she listened. She REALLY listened. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! I needed somebody and she came through. I told her about Angie and what I thought about her friend Sarah Winter. Sophia thinks I can do something to help. Make a difference in someone’s life, ya know? I think Angie’s wall of photographs got to me, seeing all those faces, all those lost souls reunited with the people who loved them. But what about Sarah Winter? Her picture’s going to stay on Angie’s wall until she’s found. Ask me, I think it’ll be hanging up there as long as Angie has that office. Sarah’s never coming back. Without Angie’s help I might have ended up just like her—someone who was never found. I need to pay it forward. That’s what I think. It gives me purpose. Focus on something other than how broken I am inside. I have so many dark thoughts and dark days. I need a bit of light. If I can make a real difference in somebody’s life, isn’t it worth doing no matter what the cost? Sophia thinks so and I think I agree, even if it means I have to see Ricardo again.
CHAPTER 43