I’ve divided my life into two periods. B.B. for Before Buggy and A.B. for After Buggy. I can’t write what I did with him. I won’t go there. If I wrote it down, it would be permanent and I want it to just fade away. I puked in the wastebasket after he left, I will confess that much. Ricardo came back at some point and said he’d take me out to eat, but I didn’t want to go anywhere with him. I didn’t want to eat either, not that it matters. I guess Ricardo didn’t like my answer. He grabbed my hair and yanked it hard. I screamed because it hurt. He looked me in the eyes and said if he wanted to take me out to eat, I’d go with him. No was never an answer. Then he calmed down because he said he didn’t really care what I did. He let go of my hair and I started to cry.
I asked him why he was being so horrible to me. He told me he was helping me. He was teaching me. You can’t say no here. If I didn’t cooperate every time something gets asked of me, I go into the hole. I wanted to know what the hole was all about, so Ricardo took me by the hand. Not in a loving way, more like a handcuff kind of way.
He pulled me out of my room. Without the blindfold I could see that I was in a basement divided into a bunch of rooms made with that cheap wood. I heard bedsprings creaking and those kinds of groans. The smell made me gag. It was that kind of smell. The corridor was narrow and the floor cement. We stopped at a kitchen area. It was filthy! I always kept the kitchen at home spotless. There was trash on the floor and piles of dirty dishes in the sink. If my mom did the cleaning, that’s what our house would look like. The fluorescent lights were blinking, or maybe I was still high. I wanted to be higher. I wanted to not feel any of this. My stomach was hurting but in a strange way and somehow my body knew if I smoked a little more of what Stephen Macan gave me, the pain would go away.
There were girls sitting at the kitchen table, chain smoking cigarettes and drinking beers. A tall thin blonde girl with a strappy dress and a cocky look got up and approached me. She spoke with a thick accent that reminded me a little of the way Stephen Macan spoke.
She put her hand on my face and caressed my cheek. She said she heard about me. Knew I was the new kid and said she’ll take care of me. She grabbed my chin and forced open my mouth. She shoved a blue pill inside and closed my mouth for me. She gave me a swig of her beer to swallow it down. Then she let me have a few drags of a special cigarette.
You’re safe here if you do what they say. Okay? You understand? Her exact words. I asked her where she was from. She said Russia. She was Natasha from Russia. But I can call her Tasha. She said she’s going to be my big sister here. She asked me my name. I must have given her a blank stare. I couldn’t remember. What did I just smoke and swallow? That warm feeling was coming back. Thank God! Thank God for that feeling. I heard Ricardo say my name was Jessica. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m Jessica. I’m JBar . . . even if it’s only in my head, even if Stephen Macan said that dream is over . . . if that dream was ever even real.
Tasha called me pretty. She touched my hair. I liked it. I wanted her to like me. My legs felt like rubber, but the sick feeling in my stomach was gone thanks to the pill. Ricardo dragged me out of the kitchen and pulled me into the last room in the hallway. Tasha followed us. The room was completely empty except for a metal door cut into the floor. Like a hatch, you know? Ricardo used a key on a padlock that kept the door secure. Was the lock there to keep people out or in, I wondered. Ricardo pulled open the trapdoor and let it fall to the ground with a bang. Tasha jumped.
Ricardo told me to get inside. I wouldn’t budge and his face got red because I’m not supposed to say no to him. Tasha whispered in my ear to do what he says. That’s how you don’t get hurt. What happens down there? Tasha said nothing. It’s just a dark space. He wants me to get the feeling of it so I understand. All girls go inside once. If you’re good you never go in again. But if we mess up, if we try to leave, the hole is where they put us. Do my job and I’ll be fine. That’s what Tasha whispered in my ear, or something like it anyway.