I remember watching TV . . . something stupid on Netflix. I remember having a burrito for dinner and making a salad. I remember wondering where the hell am I? What am I doing here? I remember getting high and then I didn’t care so much about anything anymore. I think it was eleven o’clock. Ricardo had been out for most of the day and I had been cooped up inside. I didn’t go out because he told me not to leave the studio on my own. He said it wasn’t safe and I’ve been out on the streets with him enough times to know he’s telling the truth. I was still upset about Mandy. I asked what he saw in Mandy that he didn’t see in me. He said plenty, but I was all right. I asked if he slept with her. He told me it wasn’t any of my business. I told him I’m not a dumb little girl from Potomac anymore. He laughed. I told him I wanted to quit. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He said, “Jessie, you walk away from me now and I’ll kill you.” He said it joking like, ya know? But I dunno. Something about it didn’t sound like a joke to me.
I was thinking about Mandy a lot. She was eating me up like acid. Was she that much prettier than me? Did she have a better body? Was she better in bed? My emotions count, too! I have feelings, but Ricardo doesn’t seem to care. I cried about it, but he told me to control myself. He wanted sex, but I didn’t want to do it. I wanted him to leave my room. My pictures aren’t any good anyway. I’m no good at this. I’m not a model. I’m not beautiful like Mandy. I just want to go home. Now I miss home. I told Ricardo no to sex. And he grabbed my hair and yanked my head back hard. I cried out because it hurt. He said don’t ever say no.
I’m stuck. Now I get it. I’m isolated from my friends. I have no phone. No money. I don’t even know where the hell I am. All I have is my journal. I keep it hidden inside a slit I made in the mattress. As long as I keep a sheet over the mattress Ricardo can’t see the cut I made. It’s safe to put my secrets here. And my secret is this. I’m going to leave. I’ve decided. Even if I’m broke, I’ll figure it out. I’ll walk away if I have to. Nobody owns me. I’m my own person. He can have Mandy all to himself! Asshole! This whole modeling thing is BS, too. A big heap of BS. Jessica Barlow! Ha. What a joke. Baby, I’m gone. Ricardo just doesn’t know it yet.
Holding off a bit. Ricardo was just so sweet to me. He made me dinner and he gave me a back rub. He told me he was sorry about Mandy. He said she’s nothing compared to me. He was being stupid. He swears to me he didn’t sleep with her. All they did was kiss and he said she was a terrible kisser. Nothing like me. Those were his words not mine. I didn’t tell him I was planning to leave because I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Guess I’ll stay for a bit longer. We’re going to do another photo shoot in the morning. Maybe those will be better. I think Stephen Macan knows we’re living together, but I guess he didn’t care. He just wants good pictures. Who knows? Maybe I killed Jessica Barlow prematurely! LOL!!!
Buggy came over after the photo shoot. He had on that stupid hat of his. Stupid jeans. Stupid bowling shirt. He had that cruel look in his eyes and reeked of cigarette smoke and marijuana. Booze, too. It was dark out when he showed up. I don’t know what time exactly. He and Ricardo smoked a blunt in the kitchen. Ricardo showed him the pictures and Buggy wasn’t impressed. He said I looked like a high school kid. Ricardo said for a high school girl I was broken in good and he laughed. Buggy said he’d break me in even more and then they both laughed. They talked about me like I wasn’t there. Ricardo said to Buggy that he should kiss me because I was a really good kisser. Buggy came over like it was going to happen and I pushed him away. He looked at Ricardo like something was wrong. Ricardo told me not to embarrass him. Buggy went to grab me and I pushed him away even harder this time. I saw fire in Ricardo’s eyes. He said, puta, you better use that tongue of yours and treat my buddy Buggy right. I ran into my room and closed the door. Buggy said something I won’t even write here. I heard Ricardo and Buggy talking about me, Ricardo apologizing to Buggy for my behavior. I looked out the window. The apartment wasn’t that high up. I tried to open the window and that’s the first time I realized it was nailed shut.