She laughed, just as he’d intended. “No more wicked than my visions, I’d wager. You’ve corrupted me, Jack Callaghan. Turned a nice Catholic girl into a hussy consumed with shameful thoughts.”
His lips found hers; they were every bit as hungry and insistent as his. This, being with Kathleen, was the only time the world made sense to him. When she was in his arms, he felt true peace. When he kissed her, he wanted for nothing.
“I don’t want to wait any longer, Jack,” she murmured.
Except maybe that. Never had he wanted anything quite so fiercely, but the past few years had given him a strength and discipline he hadn’t known he was capable of. “I want you, Kathleen, never doubt that. But I want you to have my name first.”
“Then let’s get married,” she pleaded.
“I have to leave again in a few days.”
“We can elope.”
“What about our families?”
“They won’t even have to know. We can keep it a secret. And when you come home, we can have a proper church wedding.”
He was sorely tempted. It sounded wonderful. To elope with his croie, to finally make her his. To join with her in mind and body. But the Church wouldn’t recognize their union, and if something happened before he could make it back and be married by a priest...
“There’s nothing I want more than to make you mine, Kathleen, but ...”
“But what?” she pressed. “We love each other. We want each other. Why wait?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“Because, I have to go back,” he said, frustrated. “And what if...”
Jack didn’t finish. He couldn’t. He refused to say the words out loud. Thinking them was one thing, but saying them was something else entirely. It made them too real, and the only reality he cared about in that moment was Kathleen in his arms. She was his heart and soul, and he was going to do right by her, no matter what.
Kathleen pulled back as if slapped. Her eyes widened and filled with tears. “What if what, Jack?”
There it was. The fear that she refused to voice aloud for fear that it might come to pass.
After four years, Jack was still every bit as committed to ending his service and returning home for good in one living, breathing piece. But he’d also encountered other men who had been just as committed to do the same. It wasn’t about what he wanted. Conviction was not always enough. The bloodstained terrain that had been his home away from home wasn’t comprised solely of weak-willed men or those with a death wish. He’d seen too many good, strong men die to be na?ve enough to believe that heart was all it took to survive.
Yes, he wanted Kathleen more than he’d ever wanted anything, but hopes and prayers were not guarantees. He didn’t want to take the chance that she would be a widow, or, God forbid, that he would leave her to raise a child on her own, a very real possibility if they consummated their vows. He would die for one night in her arms, but he wasn’t willing to let her suffer a lifetime for the same.
“I’m sorry, Kathleen. This will have to be enough until we can do this properly.”
Her eyes met his and flashed. Jack held his breath. For a moment he thought she was going to pull away and leave him, but then she exhaled heavily. “Aye. You have the right of it. But I don’t have to like it.” The tension in her body eased as she melted against him once again. But it didn’t stop her from wiggling her bottom over his arousal. Jack groaned and stilled her hips with his big hands.
“Kathleen...” he breathed in warning.
She gazed into his eyes. “We will wait for that,” she told him. “But you will give me this, Jack...”
Her hand stroked down his chest and over the prominent bulge between them. She rubbed gently, but she might have fisted him and tugged for the effect it had. Jack knew he should stop her, but the fire in her eyes strongly warned against it. She needed this, just as he did. But he’d be damned if it would be here.
“Come,” he commanded, his voice thick. He stood up quickly, taking her hand and tugging her towards the attached garage.
Twenty minutes later they were miles away, parked at a secluded spot overlooking the valley below. The scenic look-out was where they had watched the sun rise together that day so long ago. Jack turned to Kathleen, but just that fast, she was in his arms, kissing him with the same desperation he felt.
“Kathleen...” he managed, breaking away only long enough to catch his breath.
“Hush,” she commanded. Without breaking eye contact, her hand once again travelled between them, but this time she was not content to remain outside his pants. With a flick of fingers and a tug of his zipper, her exquisite fingers were wrapping around him.
Jack hissed and circled her wrist.