“Well, maybe buying is doing. Maybe for her, that’s what’s working. Also”—I hesitated to say it and then decided to push it out of my mouth—“maybe it comes from the same place as what you’re going through, you know? About how you aren’t telling her about us?”
Ben looked at me. “Well, that’s because . . . ” he started and couldn’t seem to find the words to finish. “Maybe,” he said, resigned. “I’m just going to tell her soon. Because it’s never going to be the right time, and now, I’m just outright lying. Before it was a gray area, but I live with you now. We live together.” His mood took a dive, and I could see the moment when it crashed. He let out a heavy sigh. “I’ve been lying to her.”
Maybe I should have made him call her right then. Maybe I should have told him he was right, he was lying. But I couldn’t let him be sad. I couldn’t watch as he became disappointed in himself.
“You’re not lying,” I said. “You’re doing this your way and now you can see that you really do need to tell her, and you’re gonna do it,” I said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world.
“Yeah, no, you’re absolutely right.” He nodded with purpose. “I let this go a bit too far obviously, but it’s actually not a big deal. She’ll be happy for me. She’ll love you.” He looked at me with genuine affection. He truly could not understand a world in which people might not like me, or more realistically, a world where people might feel indifferent toward me.
Ben quickly averted his gaze to avoid eye contact with the very thing he wanted to stare at. “Are you seeing this?” he asked me through his teeth. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”
“The old guy in the yellow thong skateboarding with a dog?” I asked quietly.
“I promise you, no one is doing that in Malibu,” he said, as he put his arm around my shoulders.
I laughed and let him lead me further down the street. He watched the passersby as I disappeared into my own head. I was suddenly nervous about finally meeting his mom. I started to imagine how it would go.
We’d all meet at a formal dinner. I would have to wear a nice outfit and go to a nice restaurant. I’d probably bring a sweater but forget it in the car. I’d be cold the whole time but never say anything. I’d want to go to the bathroom, but I’d be too nervous to even excuse myself. I’d smile so fake and huge that I’d start to feel a little dizzy from all the oxygen. Ben would sit in between the two of us at a round table. We’d face each other head-on. And then I figured out what was really nagging at me. What if the whole time I was sitting across from her, maintaining perfect posture, worrying if there was something in my teeth, she would be thinking, What does he see in her?
OCTOBER
Before I go to Susan’s, I discuss taking a leave of absence from my job. Lyle says that he’s not comfortable with me coming back right away, and I tell him I understand. But he says when I’m ready my job is here for me. I think Nancy had a lot to do with that, but I just say thank you.
I meet Ana for breakfast and tell her I’m going to stay with Susan.
“What?” she asks. “I just wanted her to talk some sense into you, not take you away.” She is clearly unnerved by this. She’s throwing food into her mouth quickly. She’s barely tasting it before getting more.
“I know,” I say. “And thank you for calling her. I think I need to get out of here for a while. I need to find a way to move on. I don’t think I can do that here. At least, I can’t start it here.”
“How long are you leaving for?” She looks like she might cry.
“Not long. A few weeks, tops. I’ll be back soon, and you can drive down all the time.”
“You really think this is going to help?” she asks me.
“I know that I want it to help,” I say. “And I think that’s the point.”
“Okay,” she says. “Do you want me to get your mail and check on the house?”