I shook my head. “I don’t know how! I don’t understand how.” I felt like I had ruined both of our lives. I started crying.
“I’m so sorry, Ben! I’m so sorry! I don’t understand how this could have happened! It’s not . . . I did exactly what I was supposed to! I don’t know how it would have just fallen out! I don’t! I don’t!”
Ben grabbed me. By this time he had put his underwear back on. I was still naked as he clutched me.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said. “We have plenty of options.”
To me, when a man tells you that you have options, he means you can get an abortion.
“No, Ben,” I said. “I can’t do that. I can’t. Not . . . not when it’s yours.”
Ben started laughing. Which was weird because there was nothing funny about it.
“That’s not what I meant. At all. And I agree. We won’t do that.”
“Oh,” I said. “Then what are you talking about?”
“Well, we don’t know how long it’s been gone, right?”
I shook my head, embarrassed. This was completely my fault. How could I be so incredibly careless?
“So, we can get the morning after pill for this one. But we might not be out of the woods for anything days ago.”
“Right. Right.”
“So, if it ends up that next month, your period is late and you are pregnant, then I’m going to grab your hand and take you with me to the courthouse right across the street from my office. We’re getting a marriage license and I will marry you right then and there in front of the judge. That doesn’t scare me. Diapers scare me. But spending my life with you doesn’t scare me. Not one bit. And trust me, I do not want a baby right now. We can’t afford it. We don’t have a lot of time. We don’t have the resources. But you bet your fucking ass that if you’re pregnant, we will figure out a way to make it work and we’ll look back on it and say that you losing that NuvaRing was the smartest thing we ever did. So don’t cry. Don’t stress. Whatever happens happens. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. We are in this together and we will be fine.”
No one had ever said that to me before. I didn’t know what to say.
“Does that work for you? I want to make sure you feel the same way,” he said.
I nodded.
“Okay. Just for the record, I hope you’re not pregnant because—” He started laughing. “I am not ready to be a dad.”
“Me neither,” I said and then corrected myself. “To be a mom, I mean.” It was quiet for a while. “When is your lease up?” I asked.
“It’s month to month.” He smiled.
“I think you should move in.”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
And then, for some masochistic and stupid reason, we had sex again.
JUNE
I am sitting in the bathroom, not sure what to do. My period is nowhere to be found. And for the first time since Ben died, I find myself excited about something. Scared, for sure. Nervous, most definitely. I am anxious in every conceivable interpretation of the word.
What if I’m pregnant? Maybe my life with Ben isn’t over. Maybe Ben is here. Ben could be living inside me. Maybe our relationship isn’t a ghost. What if my relationship with Ben is a tangible piece of the world? What if Ben is soon to be living and breathing again?