She smiled and sipped at her cocoa. “He’s good,” she said. “Dr. Carson. He’s nice, and he helps me figure things out. He’s given me some perspective about what happened between your dad and me, and he’s helping me to cope with the fallout.”
I looked down at my hands. I knew exactly what Mom meant by “fallout.” Three months ago, in May, Mom and I had been in the car on our way to a boutique on the other side of Richmond when we’d spotted Dad at an outdoor café with his girlfriend. The PDAs between them were disgusting, and Mom had had to pull the car over, she was so upset.
That afternoon, our family had crumbled like an old ruin. Dad had admitted to the affair, and in the next sentence, which I’d overheard because they were shouting at each other, he’d said that he was leaving Mom for his pregnant girlfriend. He never told me if he was also leaving me; I think I’d assumed at the time that that was implied.
“What’s your doctor say to you?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Well,” she said, “he’s helped me see your father in a more compassionate light.” My brow furrowed. Was she kidding? “I know that may sound strange,” she said, “but it helps to see him as a flawed human being rather than my son-of-a-bitch ex-husband who had an affair and got his girlfriend pregnant. It helps me feel less angry toward him. And Dr. Carson also helps me to see how I was complicit in the demise of our marriage.”
My mouth fell open. “You? How were you to blame?”
Mom sighed but there was a sad smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “It’s complicated, Lily, and I’m not going to burden you with the details, so you’ll have to trust me that it takes two people to make a marriage either succeed or fail.”
I frowned at her. “It still doesn’t excuse what he did,” I said stubbornly.
“No,” she agreed. “It doesn’t. But it’s helping me sleep better at night.”
I shook my head and stared down at my hands again. Her hint was well taken. “How long would I have to see Dr. Carson?”
Mom smiled. “Well, I wouldn’t send you to my therapist, Lily. I’d send you to one of his colleagues. He shares a practice with a Dr. White, and I’ve heard very good things about him. Maybe you could go see him.”
“What if I don’t like him?”
“Then we’ll find you someone else.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course,” she said easily. And then she got up and took our mugs with her to the sink. “For now, though, how about we both go back to bed and get another two hours of sleep before your first day?”
“Yeah, okay,” I said, grudgingly. Even though I felt super-tired, I still wasn’t sleepy, but maybe I’d get in an hour if I didn’t think about it too much.
Mom walked me back to my room and kissed me on the forehead before squeezing me into a comforting hug. “You’re a great kid, you know that?” she whispered as she held me.
I smiled and squeezed back. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Now, just lay your head on the pillow and think about something nice and pleasant. You’ll be back to sleep in no time.”
With a kiss on the cheek she left me at the door to my room, and I turned to watch her walk away, wishing it were that easy. Moving over to the bed, I got in and sighed wearily. But maybe Mom was right. Maybe if I focused on happier thoughts, I could keep the nightmares at bay. Trouble was, I was hard-pressed to come up with anything good.
TRYING TO THINK ONLY GOOD THOUGHTS, I smiled brightly and turned from side to side in front of the mirror in my room, looking at my reflection. It was my first day of high school, and I so wanted to make a good impression. I dropped the smile, but I had to admit I was pretty satisfied with the final wardrobe selection. The skirt and top I’d gotten at Esprit were flattering, and they went perfectly with the wide belt I’d stolen from Momma’s closet. My thick socks, new high-tops, and big canary-yellow earrings, bracelet, and headband really pulled the whole look together.
“You ready?” Daddy said from the doorway.
I jumped a little. I hadn’t heard him in the hall. With a nervous laugh, I said, “Yeah. Sorry.”
I blushed, then blushed deeper as I watched Daddy glance at the clothing scattered all over my room.
“Sorry!” I said, hastening to straighten up.
Daddy came forward to put a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, baby girl. Don’t worry about it. You can clean this up when you get home. I won’t tell your ma. It’ll be our secret.”