I laughed at the expression on her face.
“It says ‘civilian’ on it, not dumbass. You can deal with it if it’s going to protect you while you’re riding along with me,” I informed her.
She picked at the heavy Kevlar vest once again.
“Can I wear it under my shirt?” she asked, batting her eyes.
“I don’t make the rules, sweetheart,” I told her bluntly. “If you want to come, you have to wear the vest. No exceptions.”
She sighed, long and loud.
“What are we doing today?”
I nearly groaned at the way that she slumped into her chair like a sullen teenager.
“I have district seven today,” I said by way of explanation. “That means between mile marker…”
I started to explain the districts to her, telling her how each district was separated by which mile markers. By the time I was finished, her eyes were glazed over in boredom.
“Just take me wherever,” she snapped.
My lips twitched.
“You never told me how work was,” I said as I pulled out into traffic from my house.
Since the station was so far away from my house, I usually kept the car at my house instead of at the station since it shaved off over an hour and a half of drive time from my commute.
“I didn’t, did I?” she hedged.
I looked over at my woman. And she was that. My woman.
Today she had her hair up in a messy bun type thing that women nowadays liked to wear. A few soft curls had fallen free of the bun and traveled down the length of her back. One was even tickling the side of her neck, practically begging me to touch it.
She was wearing a lime green shirt that was covered by the Kevlar vest that read CIVILIAN on the front of it.
She was also wearing my favorite pair of jeans that she owned, and I knew that she had thought about how much I loved them as she slipped them on this morning.
“I’m so freakin’ excited!” She practically bounced in her seat, completely contradicting her earlier apparent boredom. “If you had to put a number on how many times you pull your gun a week, what would that be?”
I nearly rolled my eyes. “Zero. I never pull my gun. And if I’m lucky, it’ll stay that way.”
Three hours later, Audrey was fiddling with her vest again, not nearly as excited as she’d been when we’d first started. “This thing is hot. I have boob sweat, Tobias.”
I blinked, taking my eyes off the road.
“It’s hot, yes,” I agreed. “But boob sweat?”
She nodded, eyes serious. “Yes, boob sweat. My boobs are smashed to the skin of my chest, and there is sweat forming in the crease…”
I held my hand up. “I’m comprehending what boob sweat is, thank you.”
Her mouth twitched. “You want to feel?”
I shook my head. “As much as I’d love that,” I lied. “I can’t. Everything we do and say is recorded.”
Her eyes widened. “Really?”
I shrugged.
The bodycam that I was now required to have on at all times was activated when I pressed a button or when I left the car. The dash cam was always running, and although it couldn’t see inside the cab of the cruiser, it could record what was being said.
“I think I need some coffee and snacks if we’re going to sit here for much longer, otherwise you’ll have a sleeping Audrey in your front seat.”
My grin was wide, but I kept my eyes on the road. “You’ll have to give it another hour, and then I can take a lunch.”
She sighed. “Do you always just sit at the bottom of hills, where it’s nearly impossible to go the speed limit and radar people?”
Was that reproach I heard in her voice?
I barely concealed the grin that wanted to take over my face again.
I’d been doing that a lot lately…smiling.
I never thought I’d get that back, but Audrey had given that to me. Happiness was an odd feeling.
It was a great feeling to have, and even if I didn’t tell her how happy she made me every day, I made sure to show her.
“Audrey,” I said suddenly.
She turned her head to face me. “Yeah?”
“Move in with me.”
Her eyes widened.
“No.”
Everything inside of me sank. “Why not?”
She started to giggle. “Because you’re so sure of yourself. I’ll tell you yes in a few days.”
Something inside of my chest that had tightened at her terse ‘no’ loosened. “If I ever asked you something else, don’t tell me no unless you really mean it.”
This time, I startled her.
“Are you…were you going to ask me that next?”
She sounded almost hopeful.
“No.”
That was just as firm as hers, and I watched her visibly wilt.
“That’s not to say that one day I won’t ask, but for now, I want you to be comfortable with me. To be able to tell me no and scream and yell at me before I ask you that.”
She was comfortable around me, sure. But we hadn’t had a fight yet. We hadn’t had that knock down, throw the fucking cup you were holding at the wall kind of fight that a couple had at least once in their relationship.
The first time a couple got truly mad at each other and expressed that anger was the test of the relationship. If the relationship survived that fight, then I would proceed. But I wanted to make sure that she didn’t feel pressured into marrying me before she was ready.
I knew in my heart that Audrey was the one. We’d exchanged I love yous, but sometimes I love you just wasn’t enough.
Sometimes the phrase ‘I love you’ was just words. Sometimes I love you meant, ‘I love you, but I can’t live with you.’
There were a lot of people in love in the world, but only the ones who truly felt it the deepest, and were willing to fight for that love, were the ones that stayed together.
I wanted that with Audrey, but she had to want it just as badly as I did for anything between us to work.
And I felt that she still had some growing into her own self-confidence to do before she could get there with me.
So until that time happened, I would love her and shelter her. I would be the man that she needed me to be. But I would not be her husband yet.
Not until she told me she was ready.
“Sometimes I want to throat punch you,” she muttered darkly, returning her eyes to the road. “Does that count?”
I snorted in amusement.
“Yeah, that counts.” I paused. “But only after I piss you off so badly that you yell, scream and threaten that throat punch again. Until then, I’m going to be the best roommate you’ve ever had.”
“A roommate with benefits?” She started to chuckle. “Will you sneak into my room at night and have your dirty way with me, Mr. Dixie Warden Reject?”
I grinned widely. “Yeah, but you won’t be leaving my bed after we’re done.”
“Why is that?”
I turned my serious eyes back to the road, too.
“Because you won’t be able to feel your legs until morning.”
***
When Audrey had asked to do a ride along with me a few weeks ago, I’d thought that it’d be fun.