“Have you thought about whether or not you’re going to stay here now?” I asked, again trying to ease toward the harder questions.
“I’ve thought about nothing else,” Joanna said. Another sigh. “You know, what I miss most about the ward in Short Creek is the sense of purpose. Everything you did was part of God’s work. There was nothing that was mindless. Washing dishes, feeding children, changing diapers—it was all God’s work, all glorious.”
For just a moment, looking at her, I had a glimpse of what she felt she had lost. The same brightness she exuded when she talked about her visions had come back to her.
“I’m sorry,” I said, though I wasn’t entirely sure what I was sorry for.
“Well, I just have to believe that I’m still part of God’s plan, even if it’s changed a little,” she said sadly.
“Mama, you said that it’s impossible for us to not be part of God’s plan,” Grace piped up, her head rising out of the relaxed pose she’d been in.
“Of course, that’s true. God knows all that we will ever do, so how can we ever thwart Him?” said Joanna.
“And you said that Papa will find us again,” Grace added.
“In heaven,” said Joanna soothingly. “We will see Stephen again in heaven.”
Grace settled again, and I couldn’t help but question why Stephen would cut this little girl out of his will. It seemed needlessly cruel and it made me wonder about her biological father. Grace had been just a baby when Joanna left the FLDS. She wouldn’t remember him, whoever he was.
“I think you did the right thing to leave Short Creek. I’m sure it’s difficult to adjust to life on the outside, but you’re doing well, Joanna,” I said.
Joanna flinched at that and I wondered how I could have put it better.
“You did nothing wrong,” I tried again. “They were the ones who treated you badly. You had to leave to protect yourself and Grace.”
Grace squirmed in her lap and scooted away to entertain herself in her own room.
“I know that,” Joanna said, when we were alone again. “I know that God had called me to another work.”
“Did you have a vision that you were supposed to leave?” Maybe you would need something like that to give you the strength to do what Joanna had done.
“Of course I did. I would never do anything without the knowledge of God’s approval.”
Which made me ask, “How long have you had the gift of visions?”
“As long as I can remember. Since I was Grace’s age, at least.” She sighed. “But I learned not to talk about it. It made people in Short Creek uncomfortable. They said that I was taking too much to myself.”
“That must have been so hard,” I said.
“It was. Until I married. And then—” Joanna’s face reddened as if she had been slapped.
“What? What happened then? Did your first husband mistreat you?” It seemed like it must have been even worse than most FLDS marriages, none of which sounded ideal to me.
Joanna hesitated. “No, he—he believed me. I loved him so much for that. So much.”
“What made you leave?”
She didn’t answer, but her lips were pressed firmly together, as if against a wave of pain. “I need to tell you that I have a feeling that you should go home,” Joanna said. The words were spoken shyly, as if she was embarrassed to say them, but her body was tense.
“I will go soon,” I said. As soon as I’d figured this out. I was so close now. Wasn’t I? “I just need to ask you about Stephen’s will. I spoke to Jennifer a few minutes ago and she mentioned telling you Stephen was planning to change it. Instead of Rebecca inheriting everything, he had intended to leave things in trust to each of the children individually.” I meant to keep going, but Joanna had clenched her fists together and was shaking visibly.
“Linda, listen to me, please. I had a vision. About you. You’re in danger here. You should go home now, as soon as you can.”
I felt a tingling rush through me. “Danger? What kind of danger? From whom?”
“I don’t know who wants to hurt you. I only know—” She began choking, then retching, doubled over.
I patted her back to calm her down. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” I said.
She sagged against me, exhausted, but pulled herself upright a moment later. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”
“No, I’m glad that you told me. What did you see?”
“Only a muddled shape.” Joanna’s hands shook as she tried to demonstrate, then dropped to the table as she gave up. “It was too dark to see clearly. The darkness is always evil. God can’t see through the minds of those who have fallen to Satan.”
This was a bit of theology I hadn’t heard before. “Then how will I be hurt?”
“I don’t know.” She sounded desperately unhappy and I decided not to push her any harder. She was already at her limit.
“All right. I’ll go home as soon as I can,” I said. But I couldn’t leave it at that. “Is anyone else in danger? Do I need to warn someone?” I was thinking about Rebecca and Talitha. Maybe Naomi, too.