‘Fit–– Tom Badgerlock.’ I cursed my awkward tongue. ‘Look, I’m sorry to call so late, I’ve been away, and thought I should check on –’
‘Tom!’ The door was flung wide to my hasty excuses, nearly hitting me as it opened. ‘Tom Badgerlock, come in, come in!’ Jinna had a candle in one hand, but with the other she caught the sleeve of my shirt and drew me inside. The room was dim, lit mostly by the hearth fire. There were two chairs pulled up there with a low table between them. A steaming teapot sat brewing beside an empty cup. A heap of knitting, the needles thrust through it, occupied one chair. She pulled the door firmly shut behind me, and then gestured me towards the hearth. ‘I’ve just put on elderberry tea. Would you like a cup?’
‘That would be – I didn’t mean to intrude, I only meant to check on Hap and see how –’
‘Here, let me take your wet cloak. Ah, it’s drenched! I’ll hang it here. Well, sit down, you’ll have to wait, for the young scamp isn’t here. Truth to tell, I’ve been thinking to myself that the sooner you came back and had a word with the lad, the better for him. Not that I wish to be telling tales on him, but he wants someone taking a hand with him.’
‘Hap?’ I asked incredulously. I took a step towards the fire, but her cat chose that moment to wrap himself suddenly against my ankle. I lurched to a halt, barely avoiding stepping on him.
Make a lap. Near the fire.
The assertive little voice rang in my mind. I looked down at him and he looked up at me. For an instant, our gazes brushed, then we both looked aside in instinctive courtesy. But he had already seen the ruins of my soul.
He rubbed his cheek against my leg. Hold the cat. You’ll feel better.
I don’t think so.
He rubbed against my leg insistently. Hold the cat.
I don’t want to hold the cat.
He reared up suddenly on his hind legs, and hooked his vicious little front claws into both flesh and leggings. Don’t talk back! Pick up the cat.
‘Fennel, stop that! Where are your manners?’ Jinna exclaimed in dismay. She bent towards the ginger pest, but I stooped swiftly, to unhook his claws from my flesh. I freed myself but before I could straighten up, he leapt to my shoulder. For all his size, Fennel had amazing agility. He landed, not heavily, but as if someone had put a large, friendly hand on my shoulder. Hold the cat. You’ll feel better.
Steadying him as I stood up was easier than plucking him loose. Jinna clucked and exclaimed, but I assured her it was all right. She drew out one of the chairs that faced the small hearth and smoothed the pillow on it. I sat down, and it tipped back under me. It was a rocker. The moment I was settled, Fennel moved down to my lap and settled himself in a warm mound. I folded my hands atop him in a show of ignoring him. He gave me a slit-eyed cat grin. Be nice to me. She loves me best.
It took me a moment to find my thoughts. ‘Hap?’ I said again.
‘Hap,’ she confirmed. ‘Who should be abed right now, for his master expects him earlier than the dawn tomorrow. And where is he? Out dangling after Mistress Hartshorn’s daughter, who is far too knowing for her tender years. She’s a distraction to him, that Svanja, and even her own mother says that she would be better at home, tending to work and learning her own trade.’
She nattered on in a voice of mixed annoyance and amusement. The level of her concern astonished me. I felt a twinge of jealousy: was not Hap my boy, for me to worry about? As she spoke, she set a cup at my elbow, poured tea for both of us, and resumed her chair and knitting. When she was settled, she glanced over at me and our eyes met for the first time since I had knocked. She startled, and then leaned closer, peering at me.
‘Oh, Tom!’ she exclaimed in a voice of deep sympathy. She leaned towards me, studying my face. ‘Poor man, what’s happened to you?’
Empty as a hollow log when the mice are eaten.
‘My wolf died.’
It shocked me that I spoke the truth so bluntly. Jinna was silent, staring at me. I knew she could not understand. I did not expect her to understand. But then, as her helpless silence lengthened, I felt very much as if she might understand, for she offered no useless words. Abruptly, she dropped her knitting in her lap and leaned across to put her hand on my forearm.
‘Will you be all right?’ she asked me. It was not an empty question; she genuinely listened for my reply.
‘In time,’ I told her, and for the first time, I admitted that was true. As disloyal as the thought felt, I knew that as time passed, I would be myself again. And in that moment, I felt for the first time the sensation that Black Rolf had tried to describe to me. The wolfish part of my soul stirred, and yes, you will be yourself again, and that is as it should be, I heard near as clearly as if Nighteyes had truly shared the thought with me. Like remembering, but more so, Rolf had told me. I sat very still, savouring the sensation. Then it passed, and a shiver ran over me.
‘Drink your tea, you’re taking a chill,’ Jinna advised me, and leaned down to toss another piece of wood on the fire.
I did as she suggested. As I set the cup down, I glanced up at the charm over the mantel. The changeable light from the flames gilded and then hid the beads. Hospitality. The tea was warm and sweet and soothing, the cat purred on my lap, and a woman looked at me fondly. Was it just the wall-charm’s effect on me? If it was, I didn’t care. Something in me eased another notch. Petting the cat makes you feel better, Fennel asserted smugly.
‘The boy’s heart will be broken when he hears. He knew the wolf would go after you, you know. When the wolf disappeared I was worried, but when he didn’t come back, Hap told me, never fear, he’s gone off to follow Tom. Oh, I dread your telling him.’ Abruptly, she reined her flow of words. Then she stoutly declared, ‘But in time, like you, he will recover. Oh, he should be home by now,’ she worried, and then, ‘What will you do about him?’
I thought of myself, so many years ago, and of Verity, and even of young Dutiful. I thought of all the ways that duty had shaped us and bound us and held back our hearts. Truly, the boy should be home by now, getting sleep the better to serve his master on the morrow. He was an apprentice yet, and his prospects were not yet settled. He had no business showing an interest in a girl. I could take a firm hand with him and remind him of his duty. He would listen to me. But Hap was not the son of a king, nor even a royal bastard. Hap could be free. I leaned back in my chair. It rocked and I absently stroked the cat. ‘Nothing,’ I said after a moment. ‘I think I’ll do nothing. I think I’ll let him be a boy. I think I’ll let him fall in love with a girl, and stay out later than he should, and have a pounding headache tomorrow when his master chides him for being late.’ I turned to look at her. The firelight danced over her kindly face. ‘I think I’ll let the boy be a boy for a time.’
‘Do you think that’s wise?’ she asked, but she smiled as she said it.