He stared at me, as if uncomprehending. Then he slowly nodded.
So it was that I bundled her into one of the sumptuous fur spreads from her bed and dragged her down the hall behind me. He showed me a door, quite small, that I would not have noticed on my own. It opened onto a chute and the distant rush of waves. He had me push her into this. She vanished from sight, and that seemed to give Prilkop much satisfaction.
We returned to the scroll room for our trove. We walked through the halls, dragging the sacks more than carrying them. Scrolls are surprisingly heavy. I winced at every bump as we took them up the stairs, imagining how Chade would scold me for treating them like this. Well, he would not know what condition they were in when I first found them. With Prilkop’s help, I got both sacks up to the pillar room. There we paused to catch our breath. For all his years, the old man seemed as spry as a youngster. For the first time, I pondered how old the Fool might live to be. Then, the even more strange thought came to me, to wonder where he was in his life. Was he still a youngster? Did that have any meaning to him? Once he had told me that he was older than Nighteyes and I put together … I pushed the thought aside uncomfortably. I did not want to consider how different we were, how different we had always been. Our friendship had crossed that line and made us one.
Just as my bond with Nighteyes had made us one. And yet. I sighed as I followed the Black Man down the steps to the map room. And yet it had not made us the same. I was a man, with a man’s concerns with this world, unable to live fully in the now as Nighteyes did, nor to stretch his years beyond their span.
Was that how the Fool saw me?
I made a small sound in my throat. Prilkop glanced back at me, but said nothing. When we reached the map room, he paused by the image. He rubbed his hands together as he considered it, then, with a raised eyebrow, he gestured at it.
I touched the grouped gems near Buckkeep. ‘Buckkeep,’ I told him. ‘My home.’
He nodded sagely. Then, as the Fool had before, he touched a land far to the south. ‘Home,’ he said. Then he touched an inlet on the coast of that land and said, ‘Clerres.’
‘Your school,’ I guessed. ‘Where you wish to return.’
He paused, head cocked, then nodded. ‘Yes. Our school.’ He gave me a sad look. ‘Where we must return. That what we have learned may be recorded. For others, yet to come. Very important this is.’
‘I understand.’
The Black Man looked at me kindly. ‘No. You don’t.’ He studied the map again, and then, as if speaking to himself said, ‘The letting go is hard. Yet, this you must do. Both of you. Let go. If not, you will make more changes. Blindly. If, because of him, things you do make changes, what comes of them? No one can say. Even a little thing. You bring to him bread. He eats. If you do not bring this bread, someone else eats it. See, a change. A little change. To him, you give your time, your talk, your friendship. Who then does not receive your time? Hmm? A big change, maybe, I think. Let go, Fool’s Changer. Your time together is over. Done.’
It was none of his concern and I very nearly told him so. But he looked at me so kindly and sympathetically that my anger died almost as soon as I felt it.
‘Let us go back,’ he suggested. I started to nod and then Thick broke into my thoughts.
Fitz? Have you finished yet? The Queen is still waiting.
I sighed wearily. I’d best go take care of it, and then beg some time for myself. I’ve finished. I’ll bring the Skill-scrolls home with me this time. Meet me at the Witness Stones and help me carry them.
No! I’m eating raspberry tart! With cream.
After the tart, then. I felt a sudden sympathy for Thick’s unwillingness to interrupt his meal to rush and find me. Prilkop had reached the end of the steps. He glanced up at me quizzically. ‘I have to go back to my home for a time,’ I told him. ‘Please tell the Fool that I will come back as soon as I can. I’ll bring more food then, fresh fruit and bread.’
Prilkop looked alarmed. ‘Not through the portal stones? So soon? Not wise is that. Foolish, even.’ He made a beckoning gesture at me. ‘Come to Prilkop’s home. A night, a day, a night, a day, and then go back through the stones. If you must.’
‘I fear I must go now.’ I did not want to see the Fool or talk to him again until I had found a way around all his arguments.
‘Changer? You can do this? You have done this before?’
‘Several times.’
He came back up the steps toward me, his brow lined with anxiety. ‘Never have I seen this done so often, so close together. Be careful, then. Do not come back too soon. Rest.’
‘I’ve done this before,’ I insisted. I recalled how I had been in and out of the Skill-stones with Dutiful on that long ago day we fled the Others’ beach. ‘Do not fear for me.’
Despite my brave words, I wondered if I were being foolish in going through the Skill-stones once again. Whenever I look back on that moment, I wonder whatever possessed me. Was it the press of hurt that the Fool had taken our link away? I truly think not. I think it was more likely too little sleep for too many days.
I climbed back up the steps to the Skill-pillar. The Black Man followed me anxiously. ‘Sure you are? Sure of this?’
I stooped and took up the necks of both bags. ‘I’ll be fine,’ I assured him. ‘Tell the Fool I will be back.’ I gripped the necks of both bags in one hand. I opened my other palm wide and pushed into the pillar. I stepped into a starry night.
THIRTY-FIVE
Resumption
In that last dance of chances
I shall partner you no more.
I shall watch another turn you
As you move across the floor.
In that last dance of chances
When I bid your life goodbye
I will hope she treats you kindly.
I will hope you learn to fly.
In that last dance of chances
When I know you’ll not be mine
I will let you go with longing
And the hope that you’ll be fine.
In that last dance of chances
We shall know each other’s minds.
We shall part with our regrets
When the tie no longer binds.