“But nothing,” Emily said. She touched his arm, lightly. “Take care of her.”
They walked in silence for a long moment, unspoken words hovering between them like a shroud. Emily missed, with a pang that almost brought tears to her eyes, the times when they’d walked hand in hand. She’d liked that…had she ever told him she’d liked that? And there had been the kissing and…she wondered, suddenly, how Imaiqah could move from boyfriend to boyfriend so easily. Part of her wanted to kiss him again, despite everything that had happened…
Caleb reached out and touched her shoulder. “I…I need to tell you something,” he said, slowly. She stopped, turning to look at him. “I…I thought Marian was going to die.”
Marian would have died, if Justice hadn’t been stopped, Emily thought. She…
She bit off that thought, hard. There was nothing to be gained by making Caleb – or herself – feel worse. She wanted to scream at him, to lash out with her magic…and at the same time, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and feel safe. But she knew she couldn’t do either.
“I thought you would kill her.” Caleb’s voice was quiet. “I thought…”
“I understand,” Emily said. She felt a pang, mingled with bitter understanding. When the chips were down, Caleb had put his family ahead of her. “You thought your sister was going to die.”
“Yes,” Caleb said. “I should have trusted you. I…”
He looked away, one hand playing with his hair. “I didn’t want to consider the possibility that she might have betrayed us. Casper was a jerk, at times, but he wouldn’t have betrayed the family. When you suggested it, I got so angry…”
And Frieda didn’t help, Emily thought.
Caleb fell silent for a long moment. “Marian was a brat to you,” he said. “She was having problems coping with Casper’s death. She…”
“I don’t blame her,” Emily said. “I never knew what it was like to have siblings.”
“Lucky you.” Caleb looked back at her. “I always imagined that I would leave the family, one day. There was little for me here--” he waved a hand at the surrounding buildings “--and Casper was the Heir. I would complete my studies and get my mastery, then open a university or maybe a small research lab. I’d see my family every so often, and that would be that.”
He waited. Emily said nothing.
“I liked you from the moment we met,” he added. “I…”
Caleb broke off. “I was free to court you, I believed. No one would object to the courtship, nothing would be at stake. If we married, I would be your consort. I…”
Emily closed her eyes in pain. She’d been on the Nameless World for years and yet, sometimes, the differences in culture still caught her by surprise. Caleb hadn’t been interested in a pointless fling, any more than she was. Of course he’d considered all the implications of a successful courtship and marriage. He’d understood all the implications she’d chosen to ignore…
There’s a difference between courting a nobleman and the heir to a throne, Emily thought, recalling Alassa’s patient lectures. Whoever you marry will shape your life.
She opened her eyes, looking up at him. “But things are different now.” She felt her patience snap. “You’re the Heir to your family – and, prospectively, the Heir to House Waterfall. Right?”
“I don’t think I’ll be the Waterfall,” Caleb said. “We’re probably not close enough to the main line to be considered…”
And you would have had a shot at the family title if you’d married me, Emily thought. She knew Caleb probably considered it a relief. Could a candidate refuse the post if they were elected? She didn’t know. Now…they may blame you for losing me.
“Things are different now,” Emily repeated. “The implications of our relationship are different too.”
She met his eyes. “And you didn’t trust me, when the crunch came,” she added. That hurt more than anything else. “You thought…”
Caleb looked back at her, evenly. “Mother drilled my failings into me. She…she told me that the entire city was at stake.”
“It was,” Emily confirmed.
“I couldn’t let her die,” Caleb said. “I…”
“And so you let her be drained further,” Emily snapped, irritated. “She nearly died because you didn’t trust me!”
Caleb turned away, angrily. “I should have trusted you. But I didn’t.”
Emily felt magic tingling at her fingertips, demanding release. She fought it down, despite her frustration. They were dancing around a simple point, as if neither was willing to say what had to be said. And all the apologies in the world wouldn’t make it better – or easier. They…their relationship had died in the Temple of Justice.
Lady Barb would be direct, Emily thought. And I have to be direct, too.
She cleared her throat. Caleb turned back to her.
“When we started this courtship,” she said, “we agreed that we – that either of us – could call it off at any moment. And now…”
Caleb looked pale, but unsurprised. “You want to call it off.”
“So do you,” Emily snapped. She wondered, suddenly, just what Sienna had said to her middle son. “In the temple…you didn’t trust me.”
She felt another pang of grief, mixed with anger. She’d trusted him. She’d trusted him enough to let him kiss her, to touch her, to go inside her…it hadn’t been easy to make that decision, to let him have her…
…And yet, she’d kept secrets from him, too.
Men desire physical intimacy to prove there will be physical intimacy, Lady Barb had said, during one of her brutally frank lectures. Women desire emotional intimacy to prove there will be emotional intimacy. And neither gender really understands what the other wants.
Caleb looked oddly relieved. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought…”