I only waited. I would not sign the contracts in front of him, but I had already decided to sign.
The curse wins after all, he said. You were right. Did you know this all along? You warned me that if you said yes you would be a circus rider again, and here you are.
Change the ending, I said. Give her back her voice, keep them together.
No, he said. She must lose her voice. It is what she traded for her soul.
I knew he was right, as did he.
And how will I know if I win it back? I asked.
You’ll lose your voice, he said. Perhaps you’ll lose everything. Even me. Everything but that.
He signed the contracts and left me sitting in the carriage, and as soon as the door was closed, I ordered it back the way we came.
§
Barnum’s agent expected me, laughing a little when I disturbed his dinner.
I’d waited too long as it was.
I could feel a palpable relief at his smile. He knew me, much as I knew him—we were of that same peculiar family that finds itself time and again. After so much time trying to learn the ways of this place that I was leaving, it was a relief to find myself feeling at home.
As I handed the contracts over, he asked, There’s no real curse, is there?
I only smiled.
We will need to hire a troupe for this show that can enact a hippodrama, the agent said, as he signed the contracts. But not one committed to the silent traditions of French pantomime. One that will permit singing.
I may know of one, I said.
Twelve
I FOUND THEM WHERE the route book said they’d be. At the edge of the rail yard in the outskirts of London. As I approached, it looked as if a group of children held ropes, struggling to hold on to the world’s largest kite. They had the faces of angels and the determination of demons. As I grew closer, it was clear it was an enormous new tent and that some of the strugglers, in fact, were children, but others looked to be the smallest small people I’d ever seen. A few looked me over as I approached.
What is it? one asked.
What does it want? It’s looking at us.
Find out what it wants!
It’s a tart, so it wants what a tart wants! And at this, they laughed and yet did not stop pulling.
It’s pale! It’s the Ice Queen herself, come to take us away!
They were speaking several languages to one another, but they all seemed to understand, and as I listened I felt a pang of homecoming.
You there, the show isn’t till much later. Go on, before we’re strung up on morals charges. This was said in some very odd French with a grin by a very small man. But thanks for coming by.
I took my card from my pocket; but before I’d finished handing it to him, he said, Oh, darling, I can’t read a lick of that, I’d bet. He took the card from me and passed it behind his back, holding it so someone there could read it.
It wants a job!
Ach, darling. Much, much needs doing around here. And he waved at the tent that was still rising.
He likes it! He’s . . . he’s flirting with it!
At this, he took off his hat, bowed to me, and then, as he stood up, backhanded the young boy who’d just said that, who sneezed in surprise, and shouted, Don’t make me fall!
Darling, he said, you’ll need to speak to la ma?tresse. I don’t know if she wants anyone what can read, though. That’s probably more trouble to her than it might be worth.
It can’t have my spot!
Ah, no one’s got their eye on that.
No one’s had their eye or anything else on it in years!
With that, there was again much general laughter.
What does it do? Ask, ask!
Yes, darling, my inquisitor asked. What do you do? That is what we need to find out for you to be useful. It’s better in the circus if you can do many things. So let’s see, simple yeses and nos . . . can you . . . can you sew?
I nodded.
There’s not . . . well . . . we darn our own costumes here. Or we have at least.
Can it tumble!
I smiled at that and nodded again.
Can it tumble from a horse!
I nodded once more.
It’s a kinker, I knew it!
Nah, it’s a chava josser, isn’t it?
If it is, she’s like none I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t bet on it. She’s a kinker, you can tell. She’s got a talent somewhere.
I’m a kinker, to be sure, I said at last. And I’m here to hire you all. But for now, I would speak with Ernesto.
At this they laughed. Ah, so it’s like that, said one of them. It’s coming home, is what it is.
And then Ernesto appeared from behind a corner of the tent and roared as he ran toward me; sweeping me into his arms, he lifted me to kiss my face, my feet dangling at his hips. Oh, sweet girl, thank God, he said. I’ve missed you so.
§