We do, they said, in unison.
They began to speak to me of who would be there, and why, who knew whom, who could provide what for you vis-à-vis an entrée into this or that salon and so on; the salon gossip of Baden-Baden, but also of Berlin, and of Paris, and even of Saint Petersburg. Giulia Grisi was coming, I was told, a famous soprano in retirement on her way to Berlin from her home in Florence. Brahms was to be there, he was working on a song Pauline was to debut. Royal titles were mentioned, meaningless to me. Through the talk, I noticed that they were not so very alike in appearance, not at all, but rather the similarity came from an attitude inside, the faintest sense of some indomitable will; each was animated by the belief that they mattered and that their futures would matter as well.
They were all like little Paulines in this way, as I hoped to be soon.
We must choose your dress tonight, Natalya said, eyeing the trunks.
As various toilettes were held up and considered and taken from their papers, Maxine continued her patter of observant and condescending resentments, somewhat confusing, for she was still quite actively helping me all the same, a task I knew she saw as beneath her. She seemed both scornful and jealous, handing items to Firéne and Natalya as if they worked for her, and I didn’t know why she was leading the unpacking until I understood she did it for what she hoped to find. I was most likely about to be exposed. All that would be required was for her to find something I’d forgotten about, some incontrovertible proof—much as I knew her kind, I was sure she knew mine.
The door across the hall opened then, and the tenor emerged to see who had come to visit, knocking on my door and calling my name. My trio abandoned me to go meet the famous tenor, and I finished dressing alone. I chose the opera dress I’d once scorned, one of my first, the dark blue with the machine-embroidered bodice, fine but not too fine for a night in a private home. I called for Natalya—I’d liked her right away—and she helped me fasten the back. She returned, and as I entered, I saw how they tried to test themselves on him. His celebrity, his previous relationship to Pauline, his good looks, any of these would have made him desirable, and I could see they envied and even resented me a little for whatever fortune it was that had brought him to me.
Please, I nearly said to them. Do your best.
I wondered, if I were to meet him now, if I would flirt with him and then remembered the night I’d first met him when I nearly had. That was the smile I used as I walked to his side, and he took my hand, smiling back, and kissed it, his eyes only for me. Which I did all while not looking once at Maxine, so she would know; I had my edges, too.
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