“So you’ll watch him sleep as eternity passes us by? Don’t be ridiculous.”
“My king is trying to please you,” he says, as if he’s accusing me of something. “His desire for you consumes him. He starves himself, believing he can learn to control his hunger, his power, more effectively. So that when you become his in truth, he won’t feed from you or harm you in any way.”
My pulse quickens. “What?”
I look over to the king, his hands folded over his chest, skin gray, lips violet, as if he were carved from solid death. He’s denying himself so that he won’t accidentally harm me? The idea doesn’t fit with what I know of him, of his cruelty. It doesn’t match the monster I faced during the Bonding ceremony.
“He wishes to please you,” Eric says again.
“Well, he shouldn’t,” I mutter, rising to my feet and walking over to the hearth. I pull a pinch of lavender from the pouch tied to my skirts and toss it into the flames. It sizzles for a moment, the smoke lightening. “Mother Goddess, hear me,” I say to the flames. “My Bonded sleeps and cannot be woken. Please give me guidance. How can I help him?”
The logs shift and sizzle immediately, as if my mother knows the urgency I feel. But when the words come, my heart sinks. Surrender . . . the flames whisper again, drawing out the sound with a hiss. The fire born within you shall bring rebirth. Surrender, child. Do not delay.
I turn away, turmoil brewing in my gut. I hardly know what that means now. How can I surrender to a force that’s asleep?
“What did she answer?” Eric asks.
“Nothing,” I say. “She said nothing.” I walk away from the hearth and return to the bedside. “I need you to send a message. I need you to call for the monk Lailoken to attend me. Tell him his ward is in need of him.”
Eric gives me a frustrated look, but then he reluctantly bows his head, saying, “If I must, mistress.” He slips out of the room, leaving me alone for the first time in days.
I stare down at my king and wonder what the mother goddess could possibly want from me. To surrender to this beast? Truly? The image of him placing his hand on Fionn’s breast to heal him surfaces again. It’s the reason he’s in this bed, silent. Helpless. He did that to himself to save a foolish girl’s bird.
Lailoken arrives at the keep as evening falls. Eric begrudgingly lets me know of his presence in the gallery, but then stands by the door, resuming his position of guard.
“Bring him up,” I say.
He looks back and forth between his master lying in the bed and me, as if the king could give an order for him to stop listening to me.
“Please, Eric,” I add, attempting to put strength behind the words. I’m tired from lack of sleep, weakened from lack of food. I haven’t truly fed for months. I’m practically human right now. Eric could deny me and have me locked in my rooms if he wanted. Of the two of us, he’s the stronger at this point.
“He is a Christian monk,” Eric says, bitterness on his tongue. He flexes his wide shoulders as if to intimidate me. “He’d see me damned to his hell.”
“He understands the old ways and respects the goddess.”
“Both of them?”
“Are we going to debate religion or seek help where it can be found?”
He seems to consider and then miraculously mutters, “Very well, mistress,” turning to walk out. He returns with Lailoken in his grasp. The usually tidy old man is tousled from head to toe like he’s been searched for weapons. His dark woolen robes are torn at the hem, and his cross is missing from his belt. There is a smudge of blood on his chin, his lip swelling.
Eric drags him forward and tosses him to the floor in a heap before the hearth.
I rush to the monk’s side, praying none of his bones were broken. “What have you done?” I snap at Eric. I help Lailoken into my chair and turn on the shade. “You dare to touch my watcher? I should have you tossed in the dungeon. Foolish leech!”
Eric resumes his place as guard and stares at me, daring me to act.
Lailoken waves a hand. “It’s all very well, Lily.” He dabs his lip with his sleeve. “I’m still in one piece. No harm done.”
“You’re bleeding,” I say, still glaring a hole through Eric. The shade scowls right back.
“It’s nothing,” Lailoken says. He takes my hand, patting it between his. “Now, tell my why you’ve called me here.”
I reluctantly pull my gaze from the Norseman and focus on my friend. I kneel in front of him and study the cut on his lip, anger boiling up. I needed an ally and he came. Even though he likely knew this would be the consequence. I was a fool to think he’d be treated well by the king’s men. There’s a reason he stays in the caves.
He makes a small sound of pain as he shifts to face the bed. “Is your king ill? What’s happened, child?”
“He brought Fionn’s spirit back, and this is the result. Is he being punished? What can I do?”
Lailoken frowns and leans forward, studying the still form of my Bonded. Ice crystals are beginning to grow slowly around the king’s mouth and at his temples now.
“Have you called on your mother?” Lailoken asks.
I nod.
“Well?”
“She said the same as before.” I glance at Eric.
Lailoken furrows his brow, concern flickering over his features. “She did, did she?”
“Yes, but it’s impossible now . . . Why do you look so glum? I don’t understand.”
“It seems obvious to me, child.”
“What?”
He scoots closer, whispering, “She wishes for you to allow him to feed.”
My pulse skips. “On me?”
He gives me a dubious look.
I rise to my feet. “I can’t. I won’t.” Panic fills me. I thought she wanted me to allow him into my bed, not my spirit. “This whole thing is madness.”
He releases a tired sigh. “I will pray, then.”
Eric steps forward. “What is all this whispering? What goes on?”
“Nothing,” I say. How can I let the king feed from me? He could consume me altogether, leave nothing.
Of course, in that case, I’d finally be free.
I look back to his still form. I am grateful for what he did, how he healed my Fionn. But it doesn’t change what he is, what his power could do to me. My choice appears to be to let him languish or to sacrifice myself. My inclination leans toward the former. What good will it do anyone to have both high royal children of the two great goddesses become useless?
But something deep inside won’t allow me to just let this go. The same force that has kept me at his bedside these last three nights is tugging at me, urging me to give in. It draws me to him. It makes me yearn for the most terrifying things.
“You are considering,” Lailoken says, reading me as he always does.
“I don’t know.”
“I think your mother will protect you, child,” he says.
“What?” Eric asks. “What are you considering?”
I meet his eyes. “I wonder if I should attempt to feed myself to him.”
Eric’s body stiffens. “You would do such a thing?”