He gives me a pained smile, dropping his eyes to the table briefly. When he looks back up, I’ve never seen such a clearly genuine look in his eyes. “Jane… I like you, and, apparently, I really like being around you. So yeah… I was a little pissed you were absent for so long, when prior to that you’d been all up in my business constantly.”
I try not to beam in pride that he liked me being so pushy, so I merely nod in understanding.
“But things changed the other night,” he adds on.
“When we had sex?” I ask to clarify.
He nods stiffly. “We crossed a line that changed things. If I was a stronger man, I could have resisted you, but now that I’ve had a taste of you, I can’t regret what I did.”
I have no clue what any of that means, so I hold my tongue, figuring he’ll get to his point.
Kyle swallows hard, and I know whatever is coming next is hard for him to say. “I still stand by what I told you that night. If we continue, it has to be with the knowledge that I’ll be leaving and this will eventually end.”
That happy, warm, bubbly feeling falls completely flat.
“But,” he says softly. “I also have to let you know that I’m a selfish motherfucker, and I really am hoping you’ll accept what little I can offer you. I’m leaving, but I’d really like to spend my days here with you as much as possible. So I’m not sure if you’ve made your decision, but I wanted to let you know that I do care what your decision is. I didn’t want you to think after last night… what you saw in the bar… that I didn’t want you, or didn’t care what you decided to do.”
It’s at this point I realize I’ve been holding my breath, and it comes out in one forcefully long exhale. He watches me carefully, and I note his shoulders are stiff with tension. I know my decision is important to him. This makes my heart start to warm back up because that is a big admission from a man who pretty much told me the other day that it was “his way or the highway.”
And that’s not going to quite work for me, so I have a counter proposal.
“I accept your boundaries,” I tell him, and there’s immense satisfaction that courses through me when I see his shoulders drop with relief. “But with a caveat.”
Kyle’s eyebrows draw inward in consternation. “What caveat?”
“I’m good with us moving forward. We’ll see each other, sleep together, whatever you want to do to spend time with me. And I promise I’ll have no expectations of anything from you when you leave.”
His eyes narrow dubiously. “But?”
“But you have to promise that you won’t have any expectations that you’ll actually leave as you said you’re going to. I think you need to leave open the possibility that you might want to stay.”
Kyle’s eyes immediately darken with obvious pain. It’s right there… clearly written on his face. I’ve just asked him to do the most impossible thing in the world, and I know he believes that right down to the very fiber of his being. For whatever reason, Kyle deeply believes he has no choice but to leave, and this confuses me, because there’s always a choice.
But rather than deny my request, he gives me a small smile and lies right to my face. “Okay… I’ll keep the possibility open.”
CHAPTER 20
Kyle
I have no clue if Jane believes what I just told her, but her expression is sweet and accepting. It’s all the affirmation I need because I want to seal this sort of deal we just made in the only way I know how. I push out of my chair and haul Jane out of hers, sweeping her up into my arms. She huffs out in surprise, but her arms immediately wrap around my neck as I start heading toward the hallway that leads to her bedroom.
I know I should be overwhelmed with guilt because I’m asking a lot of Jane and not giving anything in return, but fuck if I can muster up an ounce. It was no lie when I told her I was a selfish motherfucker. At least I feel some redemption about the fact I’m being up front and honest with her that I’m leaving.
Of course, that redemption is completely negated because I did just lie to her when I told her I’d keep an open mind about staying. That’s just not an option, even if I wanted to. When I leave, I’m heading straight for a criminal trial that will last weeks. I’ll probably be sequestered for safety purposes, and if all is right in my world, we’ll ultimately get convictions on all the defendants. After that, I’ll be taking the tiny scraps left of my life and the ghost of my former self, and I’ll try to figure out how to live again. How to take a fresh start and try to make something of it.
Fresh start.
Funny I’d even think I’d deserve something like that after the things I’ve done.