I wished I’d been inside her when I’d said it.
“Don’t be scared of what I just said, okay? Just file it away somewhere and we can just keep doing . . . this.” I tugged on her hands and pulled them back into mine. “Nothing has to change.”
“Oh, Caleb . . . I—I don’t think I can—I—I’m not ready,” she said on a whisper, her eyes filling.
“It’s okay, baby. I know you aren’t ready, and I shouldn’t have thrown that at you like I just did. I apologize. I’m not expecting you to feel the same way. I do have a small bit of intelligence, and from what you’ve shared about your past, I realize it’s too soon for you. I get it. You don’t have to say anything right now. Just know that I spoke the truth. Okay? Can you—can you do that for me?”
“You know—you’ve seen—Caleb, I am a complete mess emotionally. You don’t even know me . . . how can it be the truth?”
“But what I just said—it wasn’t about you, Brooke. It was about me. It’s my truth, not yours. What I am feeling. And trust me, after thirty-one and a half years of knowing what love doesn’t feel like, I think I’m a goddamn expert at recognizing when the real thing comes along to rip right into my heart.”
She swallowed, making the skin at her throat flutter. “I’ve ripped right into your heart?”
“Uh-huh. Brutally. Savagely.”
“But I didn’t mean to,” she said sadly.
“I know, baby. That was just fate doing its thing. Brooke, it’s not about me expecting you to feel the same way. It’s just the reality of you . . . for me. I knew it the night you first spoke to me. I didn’t even know your name, but I’d already spotted you walking into your offices and knew of you. You are my fate personified. Your nan and my uncle are getting married, connecting you and me through their marriage whether we want it or not. That’s fate at work—can’t you see that? We were going to come together eventually, and I think my path to finding you was set in motion a long time ago.”
“Fate . . . for me, has always been something bad, Caleb. I’m scared of fate. Fate terrifies me.”
“Why, beautiful?”
“Because what we love can be snatched away in the blink of an eye. I can’t have any more of that kind of fate, because if I do it will be the end of me.”
“I know your heart has been horribly wounded, and you’re afraid to be vulnerable again. I don’t want to hurt you, Brooke. I just wanted you to know my feelings, and I’ve realized just now, that even if you never feel the same way about me, it still won’t change anything. I will feel the same about you as I do right now.”
“Caleb, I thought you just wanted to enjoy each other the way we have been . . . the sex . . . it’s very wonderful. You are the most wonderful and lovely man. I have to pinch myself when I’m with you, because I think you’re too good to be true . . . and I can’t understand why you even want me. There’s more you don’t know about me, Caleb. I am not from your world and will never be accepted in it.”
“I don’t care, and I would happily come and be in your world with you, if that’s what it takes.”
“You cannot mean that.” She was doing her best to push me away, but I sensed there was still some hope for me. I’d laid it out on the table for her, and hopefully she’d take it at face value when she was ready.
“Oh, I mean it, and I have the ability to make it happen. Watch me.”
“I don’t care for this arguing,” she said stubbornly.
“I don’t care to be told I cannot own my feelings.” I finally snapped and asked the question. “Do you want me to go? I can stay with my brother tonight and get back to Boston in the morning.” It would hurt like a bitch, but I would do it if she asked me to.
She eyeballed me.
I gave it right back to her.
I waited for her to say “Give me five minutes and I’ll drive you to your brother’s house myself,” in the Jeep Cherokee that probably had a good five years on me.
She didn’t, though. Instead she rose from her chair and came around the table to my side. She held out her hand to me.
I took it. How could I not? She was handing me a lifeline, and I’d fucking hold on to it.
“I don’t want you to go, Caleb. I’d like you to stay and hear the rest of my story. I think you should know everything about me, and then you can evaluate if your feelings are still the same.” She tugged me up from my chair. “You’re right. It’s not fair of me to tell you what you can feel for another person. I am sorry if I hurt you when I said you couldn’t possibly feel more for me. I don’t want to hurt you, Caleb. Never that.”