The cab ride home is mostly a silent one as Fleur sits next to me, her hand wrapped tightly around mine. The boys wanted to hit the pubs, but I’m in no mood to party. I’m drunk, conflicted, and feeling weaker than I have since before my first fight. Fleur gets enough of the rowdy-boy shit in her every day and insisted she was tired, but something tells me there’s more to our sharing a cab than she let on.
“When we get back to mine, do you fancy coming in?” There it is. Even in the dark, I don’t miss the hope in her eyes.
I rub my forehead, trying to sort out the best way to answer. Truth is I’d love the company, but I’m missing home and hammered and probably not much fun to be around. “I don’t think you want to hang out with me tonight.” I chuckle, the booze making my lame rejection seem hilarious.
The taxi comes to a stop. “That’ll be forty pounds.”
“Bad company is better than no company.” She tugs on my hand. “Come on. I’ll make you some tea.”
Not in the mood to argue, or possibly too drunk and lazy to try, I pay the cab and allow her to pull me from the seat and up to her front door. Snow covers the ground, and I know I should be feeling the bite of the chill in the air but remain numb.
She pushes open the door, and we stumble inside the two-room flat she shares with Ollie. She rubs her arms over her coat and adjusts the wall heater as I slump to her couch at an angle with one knee on the cushions.
“I hope you like Earl Grey,” she calls from the stove, banging through cupboards.
“That’s fine, thanks.” I allow my eyes to slide closed, and with the liquor making my defenses flimsy, I allow myself to do the unthinkable.
Get lost in memories of Axelle.
Her legs locked on mine, skin on skin, holding us together so fiercely her muscles shake. “I love you.” She spoke those three words against my mouth, the sweet heat of her love breathing life into mine.
I ran my nose up her neck, getting drunk off her scent. “I love you too, so fucking much.”
She was scared. I remember her voice trembled as she whispered in my ear, “This is really happening? Us, I mean?”
I would’ve given anything for her to see herself through my eyes. If I had to gouge out my own and rip out my beating heart, I would’ve done it gladly if only to make her understand. “It’s happening. You and me? This is as real as it gets.”
The couch dips beside me, and I lazily open my eyes to Fleur. “Hey.”
Her hand caresses my cheek, and I lean into her touch, accepting her comfort.
“Tea.” She hands me a squat teacup, and I push myself up a little to take a few sips.
“Thanks.”
She places it on the table, and it hits me that she’s always taking care of me. It’s a strange role reversal from what I’m used to. With Axelle, it was always me taking care of her. Being on the receiving end of someone’s kindness is nice but also makes me feel a little guilty. I wonder if this is what Ax was talking about the day she told me to go to England, if my years of looking after her gave her more to feel bad about rather than the comfort I’d tried to give.
“You don’t have to do this.”
Her hand glides up my chest to loosen my tie. “I like doing it.”
“Fleur.” I still her hand at my neck. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
She flinches slightly and moves her hand from my tie to the back of my neck, her fingers pressing in to loosen the tight muscles. I’ve been so fucking tense, and the way her fingers roll against my neck makes me groan.
“I wonder, just for one night, will you let me be her?”
My eyes are closed as she continues to massage my neck. “Who?”
Her fingers stiffen against my collar. “The girl you can’t stop thinking about.”
My gaze snaps to hers, and her hand moves up to cup my jaw.
“I want to know what it’s like, Killian.” Her eyes search mine. “I wouldn’t expect anything, just… We can pretend I’m her.”
“God…no.” I try to push away from her, but with my back to the couch I don’t get far. “That’s wrong. I—”
“Who’s to say what’s wrong? I know you miss her, and I want to know what it feels like to be loved like that.” She moves closer, erasing what little distance I’d managed to put between us. “It’ll stay between us. Just for tonight, we can give each other what we both want. I can give you her, and you can give me you.”
Booze-fogged, I’m tongue-tied and struck dumb. “I’m drunk, Fleur. Whatever you think you saw is just me being out of my mind and missing someone.”
“It’s not just tonight. I’ve seen her on your mind a lot. The cross you do on your chest after every fight.” She makes a fist over her heart and then the X before bringing her fist to her lips. “That’s for her?”
Usually I’d lie, but I’m so sick of pretending. I swallow, my eyes burning. “Yes.”
She leans in and peppers kisses along my jaw. I know I should push her away, should jump up and storm out and let the freezing outdoor temps cool the fire of arousal I can’t seem to shake. The scent of her expensive perfume swirls my senses, and my body responds to her touch, hardening with need. “Fleur, we can’t.” The words come freely, but I lack the strength to move because every single touch brings me back to Axelle.