My mom slides a bowl of fruit in front of me while holding my baby brother, who just woke up. “What time is your first class?”
I pop a grape into my mouth. “I missed it. I think I can make my afternoon classes though. But…” My stomach sours and I threaten to heave. “I have to get my car from Killian’s.”
I’m grateful I have my keys with me. Since we were coming to babysit Jack on Saturday, I brought them so I’d have Mom’s house key just in case I needed it. The problem is the bag I brought with me for our little weekend sleepover is still in his place, and since I don’t have a way to get into his studio without him there, I’m forced to see him face to face.
Ever since Clifford practically spit on me, I’ve been entertaining the idea of taking Killian up on his offer. If we raise this baby to know that Killian is his dad, but not his biological father, there will be no surprises. As much as I’ll hate to one day have to explain to him or her that their father was in no shape to be a dad, I believe with all my heart that Killian’s love would cushion that blow. But what would Kill be giving up?
Guilt spills like liquid lead over me, and I slump into my seat. I love Killian. I can’t expect him to make sacrifices to take care of us.
I always dreamed about what my life would’ve been like had my mom been strong enough to walk away from Stewart back when I was born. If she’d braved it and raised me alone, I never would’ve had to bear witness to her abuse. And now here I am considering making the same choice, leaning on a man—albeit a wonderfully loving and gentle man—to avoid having to face the consequences and hardships of my own mistakes.
No, I have to do this on my own—if only to prove to myself that I can. Then and only then will I have anything substantial to offer someone like Killian.
I love him.
I will always love him.
And if we’re meant to be together, we will be, regardless of whose baby I’m carrying.
Right?
“Blake’s taking Jack for a couple of hours. I can take you to Killian’s when you’re ready.” My mom sets her worried eyes on mine as if she’s following the direction of my thoughts.
“Thanks, Mom.”
She comes around the counter and drops onto the stool next to mine. Her deep brown eyes are bloodshot from yesterday, or it’s possible she was crying even this morning. I hate that I’ve done this to her. “Listen. I want you to know I understood what you said the other day about doing this on your own, but without a job, you’ll need to accept a little help.”
She’s not telling me anything I haven’t already made myself sick trying to figure out. I could drop out of school and get a job, but who’ll hire a pregnant woman taking maternity leave just a short time after being hired? And then what? I go back to work to make just enough money to pay for daycare? What about diapers, rent, electricity?
“I know. I just don’t know what to do about that. I’m tired of being a burden on everyone.”
“You’ve never been a burden. I know what it’s like to have to depend on others when it’s the last thing you want to do. I married Stewart for the same reason. You don’t have to do that, Axelle. Blake and I would love it if you moved back home.”
“Mom, no, I can’t. You guys have a great thing going on here. I’d only—”
“No.” She shakes her head. “Don’t finish that thought. Your lease with Mindy is another four months. Take your time, consider your options, and make the decision that’s best for you, but know that we’re here to help you through this.”
She and Blake have been paying my rent in exchange for me watching Jack when they need me or take a trip out of town. The tradeoff is in my favor since they only need me about once a week, but I can’t ask them to continue to pay for my rent once this baby is born. And what am I going to do? Live with Mindy while she’s banging football players on the couch and I’m up all night with a baby?
“Okay, Mom.”
She sighs heavily. “We’ll come up with a plan as things mellow. In the meantime, you should make an appointment with your doctor.”
“That’s right.” I rub my temples. “I need to do that.” So much for my I got this attitude. I can’t even remember to do the simplest things on my own.
Her soft touch runs up and down my back. “One day at a time.”
“Am I going to be able to do this, Mom?”
She presses a kiss to my head. “You’re never alone. We’ll always be right here if you need us.”
“You realize I’m making Jack an uncle, right?”
She sucks in a breath.
I tilt my head to study her. “And you’ll be a grandmother.”
Her eyes widen, but she wrangles in her shock and smiles shakily. “That’ll take some getting used to.”
~~~
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” My mom’s hand grips mine from the front seat of her car as I stare at the back of Killian’s Jeep.
He’s home.