I nod, put my hand on her back and rub, to encourage her to keep going with her story.
She bites her lower lip. “I let him use me, because I told myself this would be the time he stayed. When that no longer worked, I deluded myself into thinking he wasn’t a commitment guy, and that emotionally I was important because I was the only girl who he kept coming back to.” She hugs her knees tighter and shakes her head. “I let it go on because in my head I was desperately in love with him.”
I make big circles over her warm skin with my palm. “What happened?”
She laughs, and it’s full of bitterness. “I was with him, and a week later he met a dancer. They eloped to Vegas practically the second they met.”
Ouch. That had to hurt. When you’ve bought the story you’re selling yourself, you crash long and hard. “I’m sorry. That must have sucked.”
She huffs. “Yeah, it did. After, I went crazy. It’s like I had to find some way to make him pay. To make him crazy with jealousy so I went into a downward spiral of one-night stands and a bunch of crazy-stupid acts I don’t even want to think about.”
The sad fact was, all of Ashley’s self-destructive behavior was for naught; this asshole Trevor never gave a shit about her.
Her acts didn’t hurt him—they only hurt her.
I can tell she’s beating herself up, so I offer her a smile to let her know I’m not beating her up about it. I don’t know what makes me even say it, but I follow my instincts. “You mean stupid acts like propositioning Chad?”
She screeches and buries her face in between her arms and groans. “Oh my god, you know about that?”
I laugh and pull her close, kissing the top of her head. “Yeah, he told me the night of the engagement party.”
“It’s so humiliating!” She puts her head on my shoulder, which pleases me immensely. “Why don’t you hate me?”
I squeeze her shoulders. “Because I know it has nothing to do with him. You were trying to fill a void, Ashley. Everyone does that sometimes, in a million different ways. Some are just more self-destructive than others.”
She sniffs. “Well, I did that before Ruby and Chad were even together. I did apologize after the fact. So it’s not like she doesn’t know and it’s some sort of secret.”
“I know, Ruby was there when he told me. It was their argument for why you were on the rebound and my virtue needed to be protected.” Besides, Chad and Ruby have no secrets.
She gazes up at me and wrinkles her nose. “For the record, I’m not carrying a torch for your brother.”
I chuckle, releasing her to tuck a hand under her chin. “I know that.”
“Nothing happened either, he turned me down flat.”
“I know that too.” I stroke my finger down the line of her jaw. “If it makes you feel better, it was nothing personal. Chad has a very particular type, and you’re not it.” I don’t know a ton about my brother’s sexual practices, but I know enough to discern he only dates submissive girls. Ruby being the last and final one on the list.
She bites her lower lip. “It doesn’t matter. But you’re not a substitute.”
I want to kiss her, to take her mouth and show her exactly how I feel about her, but that breaks my promise so I settle for dipping my gaze to her mouth and wishing. “I know.”
“You do?” Her voice is a whisper.
“Yes. It was too hot between us, too intense for there to be room for anyone else.” I grip her chin and squeeze, controlling my desire to claim her. “When my cock was inside you, and I looked into your eyes, we were the only two people in the world.”
“Yes. Exactly.” Her hand comes up to my shoulder. “I want to believe, but I don’t know how.”
“All I can do is show you, Ashley.” Unfortunately, the night of our wild sex played into all her fears about herself, reinforcing she was the kind of girl you slept with for one night before going on to another, better woman. I can’t change that, but I can at least try to explain how I feel about her. I release my hold on her jaw, run a palm over her shoulder and pick up her hand to put it over my heart. “I wish I’d known, that I hadn’t gotten so carried away and courted you properly. All I can do is ask you this question, if this were about sex, if I only wanted you for a night, why am I here? Why am I introducing you to my friends? Spending every second I can with you?”
She sucks in a breath. “I don’t know.”
I press her palm harder into my chest and meet her eyes. “You know if I kissed you right now, you’d melt. That I could have you in my bed by the time it takes to get back to our hotel. But I’m not taking advantage of the fact that I could probably make you come right here on the beach with everyone watching. I’m letting you dictate that, and do you know why?”
She swallows hard and looks at me with those big, bright blue eyes. “Why?”