I feel a jolt of weirdness as I recall that Nazarin, with his implants, probably remembers every detail of his encounter with me better than I do. I try not to think about it. If my emotions right now bleed through my perception, what will they think of a flash of panic? I force myself to calm, tapping the hollow of my throat again to turn it off. That same feeling of focus dissipates. My headache and nausea fade.
They play my video. Nazarin glances at me during that surge of emotion. It feels strange, experiencing that same echo again, almost like I’d gone back in time to a few moments ago. How the hell does all that bleed through? It’s disconcerting, for sure.
“Well, it’s a job well done for me,” Kim says, eyes narrowed in satisfaction.
“Thanks, Kim,” Nazarin says. “Really. Thank you.”
She waves a hand. “For you, anything.” Then she pauses. “I want to give you one last thing before you go, Taema. For Ensi.”
“What?” Nazarin asks. Kim doesn’t answer right away, but takes out a box from her pocket and opens it. Inside is a little white strip.
“This will mold around your tooth and harden. I can link it to your brain through a nerve in your gum. If you think a trigger word, then you can bite down and break it.”
“And why would I break it?” I ask.
“It’ll bleed a liquid. It won’t affect you—it’s exempt to your DNA—but it’ll affect Ensi. Kiss him. Dose him. This will do the rest.”
“What is it, Kim?” Nazarin asks, wary.
She doesn’t directly answer him. “You realize what he’ll do to either of you if you’re captured. How he … disposes of those who have particularly displeased him.” Her voice grows thick. “What he probably did to Juliane.”
Nazarin’s lips thin in pain. “Yes.”
“Promise me you’ll do this, Taema.” She looks at me, deep into me. “You’re the only one who can get close enough. Even if you catch him red-handed, he has so many people in his pocket—judges, politicians—that he’ll find another way to weasel out, or ways to hand over the Ratel to his successor without a hitch. Or send out Verve to the whole city, let it tear itself apart. I wouldn’t put it past him. This. This is the real way to get him once and for all.”
“I don’t understand what’s going on,” I say. “I can’t promise until I understand what it is you want to put in me.”
Kim explains what it will do, and she also explains, in great detail, how Ensi disposes of those who displease him. I very nearly puke on her expensive shag carpet.
We return to the lab. Memories fire in my brain again. They all feature Tila. I have to remember I’m doing this, risking myself, for her.
She’s going to owe me so much when I save her life. She’s going to have to do a lot to make up for all I’ve gone through. As Kim works her magic, I wonder why I’m not angrier at my sister. For all the lies, for what she’s put me through. And though I still don’t fully understand why she decided to go into the Ratel in the first place, I have to believe that she did what she thought was best. For both of us. And I have to finish what she started.
Though she will owe me the truth. All of it.
Afterward, I still feel woozy. My tooth doesn’t feel any different. But it’s there. Third molar from the back on the left-hand side of my mouth. I keep thinking the trigger word, but Kim’s given me some tips to try and push it from my mind unless I need it. She recommends chewing with the other side of my mouth, just in case. And if it breaks by accident, Kim says it won’t harm me. I have to go back and get another one. If I can.
By the door, she pauses, and then gives us both kisses on the cheek. “Safe travels. I’m trusting you two to get the bastard, one way or another. And I know you will.” We walk out of the door. I look at her and Kim smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Those are dark with remembered grief and anger.
“Taema,” she says. “I still want that drink and chat when this is all over and done with.”
“Yes.” I wonder if I’ll bring my sister. If I’ll be able to. If I’ll want to.
TWENTY-FOUR
TILA
The trial’s going to be soon. My lawyer said so today when he came to visit. He didn’t give me any false hope, so I guess that’s something. It’s better than him saying I actually have a chance of staying unfrozen for longer than a week.
I’ve had this notebook open in my lap for hours, just staring at it. I debated continuing the story, but I figured I should write at least a little about what it feels like to know that I’m about to die.
Well, go into stasis. It’s basically the same thing.
I’m not afraid of the actual trial. I just have to stand there and stare straight ahead. I can pretend I’m somewhere else. They’re still not letting the media in on it, so I won’t be livestreamed into almost every home and head in San Francisco. I guess that’s something. I’ll still be recorded. At some point, they’ll let it out. The whole world will see me, a murderess in a city that prides itself on murder being a thing of the past. Never mind that murder happens in this city all the time, just quiet and unseen. The Zealots. The Ratel. The Ratel’s victims. So many deaths.