I could only nod and continue. Looking at her standing there, I could picture Lily. Always Lily. Lake was her ghost and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t disconnect them.
“She came in the middle of the night like a bad fucking dream.” I stared at her, imprinting her to memory as I recounted the night my fate was sealed. “Just like you, except you were much more real. I spent weeks ignoring her while they beat her endlessly. She was so small and so innocent. I thought she was weak when she wouldn’t do what she needed to survive. One day, I guess the hunger overrode her fear. One of the runners caught her digging through the trash for food and he beat her. He beat her so badly that day, I finally did something I shouldn’t have.”
“What did you do?”
“I stopped him from caving her head in with the heel of his boot as if she was nothing.” I shook my head to escape from being trapped in the too real memory. “Two years of work went down the drain because of one wrong move. I still didn’t regret it, at least not at first. She clung to me after that and looked to me as her protector. Every day I took her beatings and mine and often, I was too weak to make any kills so they became crueler. I began to hate her after a while. I blamed her for making me weak again even though all she wanted me to do was care about her. I didn’t want to care so I don’t know why I helped her. I just did.”
I was sitting down at a desk before I realized I had even moved. I dug my fingers in my fist for the pain—to remind myself that I was alive.
“What happened to her?”
“One day after a run, they told me I had a job to do, one that would cost me my life if I didn’t do it. What they didn’t know was I didn’t care if I lived or died, but I accepted anyway. They took me to a room I’d never seen before. Lily was there, waiting. She was naked and crying, and I saw the bruises and gashes all over her body.”
“Why was she naked?”
“They wanted me to—we had—they wanted me to fuck her for some sick fantasy a lot of sick, old fucks were paying a shit load of money to get on camera.”
“Oh, God, Keiran…”
I didn’t let her finish. I rushed through so I wouldn’t have to hear her words of pity. I didn’t need another reminder of what I almost became wasn’t supposed to happen. “She looked so broken, and I could tell she had nothing left. I couldn’t do it. Out of all the jobs and people I’d hurt, this was something I couldn’t do. That’s why I was relieved when she asked me to do it.”
“Do what?”
“To save her.”
“But you were in danger, too.”
I finally met her eyes. “I didn’t care what happened to me.”
“How could you have saved her?”
“The only way that mattered.” The horrified look in her eyes told me I wouldn’t have to explain.
“I took away her pain, and I took away her fear. I went to her, and I laid her down and closed her eyes. In that space of time, I tried to find another way, but in the end, I kept coming back to the same answer.”
“You were only a child.”
“I was never a child, Lake. For ten years, my decision has haunted me. When I saw you for the first time, I thought you were Lily, and then I thought I was hallucinating. You looked just like her. But when I finally realized it wasn’t her, I knew I was being punished. You reminded me so much of her.” I couldn’t stop myself from asking my next question. It didn’t matter how much it exposed me. “Are you here to punish me?”
“I never wanted to punish you, Keiran.” I didn’t miss the look of surprise that flashed over her features.
“I think I was punishing myself and looking for someone to blame.” That was only partly true, but how did I tell her I had punished her because of a ghost?
“Did you love her?”
What the hell?
“No.”
It took everything in me not to scream my denial. What I felt for Lily was the need to protect the small light I had in my dark, dark world. What I felt for Lake was… indescribable but I knew without having to define it that it was dangerous.