Eye Candy

“Okay, okay, I’m going!” I quickly reply, hopping over the edge of the tub, my feet sinking into the mess, which squeezes between my toes. The feeling makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. “See? Look at me in the tub! Wheeeeee, this is fun!”

I stomp around a little as she watches me. When I start to climb back out, she blocks my way, her hands on her hips.

“Sit down. Take a real bath or I’ll tell Mommy you said bad words.”

“I didn’t say bad words, your neighbor Alex said bad words!” I complain, throwing him under the bus and cursing him under my breath for putting me in this situation.

Her eyes start to fill with tears again, and this time, her lower lip starts to quiver.

Fucking lip quiver. How am I supposed to ignore a lip quiver?

With a sigh, I slowly sink down into the tub, regretting the action as soon as my ass gets swallowed up by the mess.

“Doesn’t it feel good?” Tia asks with a smile.

“Yep! It feels great! Really tingly. What exactly did you put in my bath, sweetheart?” I ask as nicely as possible, clenching my teeth to stop myself from screaming.

Tia walks over to the cabinet under the sink and starts pulling out empty bottles and tossing them onto the floor next to the tub. Shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, bleach, peroxide . . . well, that explains the tingling.

She continues throwing out bottles and I quickly realize that maybe I do need a crash course in parenting. Obviously children shouldn’t have access to any of these products. And obviously I’m paying for my mistake, because the tingling has now turned to full-on burning, which means it’s definitely time to panic.

“Tia, honey, I need you to call nine-one-one,” I tell her as calmly as possible while my balls feel like they are being lit on fire.

“NINE-ONE-ONE!” Tia screams at the top of her lungs.

“NOT OUT LOUD, ON THE PHONE!” I scream back, forgetting all about how I shouldn’t freak out in front of her and scare her, even though my balls feel like they are melting right from my body.

“MOMMY SAYS I’M NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE PHONE, DUMMY!” Tia argues, rolling her eyes at me like I’m an idiot.

“What is all the screaming about?” Alex asks, poking his head in the bathroom door. “Dude, are you bathing in front of my neighbor? I think that’s rule number one for Things You Shouldn’t Do in Front of Kids. And you thought you didn’t need to learn how to be a parent.”

Alex moves into the bathroom and scoops Tia up in his arms.

“How about we go into the living room and I put on It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown so Sam can finish whatever kinky thing he’s doing on his own?”

“What’s kinky mean?” Tia asks him as he carries her out of the room.

“I’ll get back to you on that when you’re eighteen.”

As soon as they’re gone, I quickly stand up, pull the plug, and turn on the shower, not even bothering to remove my clothes as I scrub the toxic shit off of me.

It takes thirty minutes and three showers for my balls to finally stop burning, but at least that gives me something to worry about other than the surprise I’ve been planning for Noel.





Chapter 5: The Baby Knows


Noel

Have you ever been in the middle of having sex with someone and found you can’t stop your mind from wandering?

Did I remember to pay the electric bill?

Are we almost out of milk?

Did I call my mother back when she left me a voice mail?

Is Sam not making any noise because I’ve crushed him with my giant belly?

Not that I’m doing any of those things right now, seated on top of my husband in our bed while he thrusts his hips up. My husband is gorgeous, and he’s the best sex I’ve ever had, but I’m too big and irritable and scatterbrained to even pretend I’m enjoying it.

“All right, spit it out,” Sam says softly when he stops moving, sliding his hands up my bare thighs and resting them on my hips.

“That’s not what you said last night,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood instead of bringing it down with my insecurities and crazy brain.

“Ha ha,” he deadpans. “Come on, I know something is bothering you. Do we need to have another intervention, where I tell you all the ways your pregnant body is beautiful and how I still think you’re sexy?”

He helps me lift myself up and off of him, and I lay down on my back next to him, staring up at the ceiling. Sam turns on his side, propping himself on one elbow and supporting his head in one hand while the other rests on my stomach. He stares down at me.

“No, I don’t need another pregnancy intervention. I’m sorry, my head is just all over the place right now.”

“The baby cannot see my penis coming toward its face, we already Googled that shit and found out it isn’t true,” Sam reminds me.

“It’s not that either. But did you know the baby can feel my orgasm? It’s like a sense of euphoria for them. That’s weird. Our baby is having orgasms in the womb. Our baby is having orgasms before it can walk or talk. Isn’t that weird? Doesn’t that creep you out?”

This is not at all the thought that was running through my head, but I don’t want my husband to know I feel gross and ugly, because he’ll just think I’m being silly.

“It didn’t five seconds ago, but thanks for giving me that image right before I go to sleep,” Sam complains.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize again, turning on my side and resting my hand on his chest. “I think I’m just feeling a little off because it’s almost Halloween and we don’t have one decoration up. I know, I know, it was all my idea last year, but this is my favorite holiday. And we don’t have one pumpkin or any corn stalks on the front porch. And it still kind of sucks that we don’t get any trick-or-treaters living way out here in the boonies.”

“Honey, we can do whatever you want. If you want to make Halloween throw up all over this house, we’ll do it. And we always go to your parents’ house for trick-or-treaters anyway, so it doesn’t even matter that we don’t get any kids here,” Sam reminds me.

He’s right, and I don’t know why I’m being all emo about this all of a sudden. My parents’ street, aside from having a Halloween decorating contest, goes all out on Halloween night. Everyone sets up tables and chairs and fire pits in their driveways, and the neighbors spend the night going from house to house, voting on which house has the best decorations, sharing food and drinks everyone has set out, and having a fun time hanging out in between passing out candy to all the kids.