She came to him without hesitation and snuggled deep as he closed his arms around her. Warmth spread through him and he dropped a kiss on her hair. She might never understand how much it meant to him, the way she’d come to him. No hesitation. No fear. No reservations. Every time she did it, he came unhinged. “Family always seems to know the exact buttons to push.”
She nodded, her face pressed against his chest. “Mmm hmm.”
After a moment, her arms slipped around his waist. He was pretty happy to stand there and enjoy.
But Lyn wasn’t the type to be silent for long. He grinned when her head popped up, almost catching him in the chin. “What buttons does your family push?”
Oh, hell. “There’s a heavy answer to what you probably meant to be a light question.”
She leaned back in his embrace so she could gaze up at him, her expression somber. “I’ll take the heavy with the fun. I’m guessing it requires a lot to get under your skin when it’s people who matter. You’re incredibly patient once you’ve decided someone is worth your time.”
He grunted in response and she giggled and rose up in his arms to press a soft kiss against his jaw. Embarrassed, he tucked her back against him and thought hard. He wasn’t sure what to do with her.
If he wanted to keep her, he owed her answers to her questions. And the intent might not have been clearly thought out before, but he did. He wanted to keep her near, like this.
“I enlisted pretty young and I didn’t have a handle on how much it’d changed me my first time out. When I got home, I wasn’t good at compartmentalizing yet, or pretending to be…normal.”
He remembered the change in their expressions, the moment when real smiles froze into polite horrified masks.
“They expected you to be normal? What was normal in their eyes?” Lyn’s questions were murmured against his shirt and her arms remained around him. No hint of her pulling away.
He tightened his arms around her anyway, because she wasn’t trying to get away.
“I was rough around the edges, rude.” He shrugged. “It was embarrassing to them. They felt I’d developed bad habits, and I had. I smoked. I drank. I cursed at everyone, even the kids, without meaning to.”
Lyn nodded and he absorbed her acceptance like a balm on his memories. Funny how they were still raw. He’d thought he’d made his peace with the reality of it.
“It wasn’t the habits that were the problem, though. Those were…manifestations. I needed, craved a change in my state of mind. Whatever could do it for me, I went after it. It was all to take me out of the numb and help me feel something different than the shit place I was in most of the time.” He cleared his throat, suddenly thick with emotion. “Next time I came home, my father quietly said they didn’t feel comfortable leaving the kids home alone with me. Never been so ashamed in my life. I’d never hurt those kids. Never.”
But his being near them was a bad influence and maybe even a danger. He’d accepted it. Taken accountability.
Lyn’s arms tightened around his waist. “You respected their wishes.”
“’Course.”
“But did they ever come to you, try to understand you?” There was a thread of anger there in her voice. For him. And he found himself holding onto it like a man drowning. No one had ever been angry on his behalf, not a civilian. Not someone outside the service. Not someone who hadn’t lived it. Lyn was, though, for him. “They were concerned about the kids and themselves. Fine. But did they make any effort at all to be there for you?”
“I was a grown man. Fighting for my country. I could take care of myself.”
It’s what he’d told himself over and over. He’d never had this part of the conversation with his family.
“They had expectations of you but didn’t stop, did they, to ask you if they were fair?” Lyn was working up a temper now. Her hands had fisted the back of his shirt.
“Life isn’t fair, darling. I’m okay with that.” He’d felt he deserved it.
“I’m not!” Her head popped up this time and he captured her mouth in a kiss.
He was more than hungry for her. He wanted to drown in her sweetness, the way she made him feel whole and cared for. As he kissed her, he continued to hold her close and urged her body to meld against his. A needy whimper escaped her lips and he nipped the corner of her mouth before settling his over hers for another deep kiss.
Bitterness, disappointment—it had all sat ignored and festering for a long time and finally it had washed away in the wake of this tidal wave of…whatever the hell she made him feel.
God, she made him happy.
He finally let them both up for air and she was clutching at him for balance. Which was all good as far as he was concerned. “Let it go. It’s okay now.”
“How is it in any way okay?” She was a little breathless. He’d have to work on making her more so. But she was still riled up.
She was hot when she was mad. Sexy hot.