Peter closed his eyes and shook his head in apology. “Believe me, I do, too. It’s out of my mouth before I even know it.”
“I do that so much. I’ll be halfway through a conversation before I realize I don’t actually believe anything I’m saying.”
I was glowing, caught up in our game of reveal, but Peter fell silent just as the waiter came to check on us. When we were alone again he leaned in and took my hand, eyes intent on me, and in that moment there wasn’t anywhere else in the world besides this table with the two of us wrapped taut in its circle of light.
“Tell me something true,” he said.
“I just did. Chicken and biscuits. Mushrooms.” My teasing smile faltered.
“That’s different. Those are tidbits. They’re facts—meaningless, weightless. Facts are everywhere. Tell me something visceral, something that’s as part of you as your breath or teeth, that you don’t even know how to lie about. Tell me something that can hold you here with me.”
For a moment I stared at the plates on the table and then the memory was there, like it had been hovering right at the edges of my mind, waiting to be told. I smoothed my fingers over his and wondered where to start, then I wondered what he would think of me when I was done. Taking a deep breath, I chose my words carefully.
“When I was a kid, I used to tag along after my brother, Greg, and the Beason twins from the next farm over. They were older jockish boys I could hardly keep up with on my bike and they weren’t very nice. If I had anyone else to play with, I probably wouldn’t have followed them around. When you live in the country, though, you play with whoever lives nearby.
“Sometimes we chased barn cats or went swimming in the lake. Sometimes they had me steal stuff from the drugstore, because no one ever stopped me except to say How’s your mom doing? Other times they just made me go home.
“One day they biked down to the quarry and I followed as usual. An old wire fence circled the place, but it was broken in a few spots and no one had worked there for years. It was easy to get in. We left our bikes on top and climbed down the rock face. It looked like a giant staircase cut into the ground, like we were going to another world. I was excited and started exploring as soon as we reached the bottom. The boys set up tin cans and tried to knock them down with stones. I wasn’t paying attention and walked in front of them as they were throwing. The rock hit me here.”
I brushed a finger over the scar line just beneath my right eyebrow. The skin always felt too smooth there, glossy and slightly indented.
“I fell down and the blood gushed everywhere. It got into my eye and I couldn’t see. The boys were all yelling at each other and at me. I don’t think we were supposed to be playing in the quarry. When I accused them of hurting me on purpose, one of them—I don’t know which one—got really close to my ear and told me that if I ratted them out, I would pay for it. They’d never let me play with them again and if I tried to tag along, they’d throw more rocks at me.
“?‘It’ll be on purpose then,’ he said.
“They tried to push me back up the rock wall, but I still couldn’t see anything and my head was pounding so bad. I fell a couple times and finally Greg told me to stay there while they went to get help.
“I was lying on the bottom of the quarry for what felt like forever. There was no shade and the sun made me nauseated. I knew my dad was coming and that I had to lie to him, and I was convinced that God would strike me dead. Honor thy father and mother, they said in Sunday school. I pictured God himself walking down those giant stairsteps, pointing a finger at me and never letting me come back up to the regular world.
“When Dad got there I told him I’d climbed down into the quarry on my own, even though the boys told me not to, and I’d fallen. I was crying and shaking, waiting for the judgment I was sure was coming, but Dad just scooped me up in his big arms and carried me the whole way back to his truck and drove me home.
“No one got punished that day. Not even me.”
I rubbed the scar absently as the waiter cleared our plates.
“Greg and the Beason boys were grateful. They even stole me some SweeTARTS—my favorite candy—but I was petrified all week. I was still waiting and I couldn’t bear it. I knew something awful should happen to me for what I’d done.
“At church that Sunday I said the first and only prayer I’ve ever prayed for myself. Dear God, I said. If you’re mad at me, strike me down right now.