I perked up a little bit. “That sounds amazing. We’re adults after all. We should be able to spend the day how we want.”
She sat up straighter too. “Just because we don’t have families of our own, doesn’t mean we should be relegated to suffering with our parents for every holiday. Why not come up with our own thing?”
My rising spirits took a sharp plunge and I thought I would be sick. I didn’t want to make this about me. I didn’t want to spend our entire Black Friday psychoanalyzing my depression. But I couldn’t form words.
I couldn’t make anything come out of my mouth.
Kara noticed my change of mood immediately. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I wasn’t trying to insult you.”
“You didn’t,” I rushed to assure her. “It’s just… I used to have a family, you know? It wasn’t much of one, but it was mine. And now… now I don’t. It’s just weird. It’s, uh, surreal. I’m not sure that I’ve entirely grasped the concept of being alone again.”
“Oh, babe,” Kara sighed. “You don’t have to grasp it yet. And I swear I wasn’t trying to rub it in your face. I just wasn’t thinking.”
“I know. God, I’m sorry. I hate that I’m so self-absorbed. I feel like you’re so sick of me, but I just can’t seem to stop. I thought it would get easier… instead, it just seems to get harder and harder.”
“I’m not sick of you,” Kara assured me. She pushed her wild red hair out of her face and leaned toward me. “I actually understand more than you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never told you this before because, well, honestly, I haven’t really told anyone in a very long time… It’s hard for me to talk about. Really hard. I shouldn’t have kept it from you. It’s just… I couldn’t make myself say the words.” I watched her intently; afraid that any change in my expression would spook her. I had no idea what she was going to say, but I felt the heavy importance of it. Finally, after a long pause in which she seemed to need to pull herself together, she said quietly, “I, uh, I was married before.”
“Wait, what?” I slid forward in my seat until I perched on the very edge. Kara had never even alluded to a previous marriage before. I knew she had some serious hang-ups with men, but I never could have imagined that they possibly stemmed from marriage! I took in a shuddering breath and had the worst feeling that I didn’t really know my best friend, that she was just as much of a mystery as the rest of the world.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she growled. “It’s not that I didn’t trust you or wanted to keep it a secret, it’s just that… well, it’s embarrassing! I try not to ever think about it, let alone actually talk about it. Besides, it was a long time ago and has nothing to do with who I am today.”
“It has something to do with who you are today,” I argued.
Her expression crumpled and I realized all of her bravado had been exactly that… just a show of bravery to hide her past wounds… her past agony.
“You’re right,” she sighed. “It does. But I’m serious when I say it was a long time ago. I’m a different person today. I moved on with my life. Really, I built a new life for myself. I just, I just wanted to let you know that I really do understand what you’re going through. And I also know that it gets better… that it won’t always hurt like this.”