‘Exactly. The more I think of it, the more I want that very copy, not something new. I still remember it had a tea stain on the cover in the shape of a leaf. My dad had looked at it and said, “This book isn’t even new.” That just made me angrier. Here I was, so excited about the contents of the book and all he could see was a superficial mark on the cover.’
They went to the cashier together where Jason purchased a book called Japanese Philosophy. ‘This completes my set,’ he explained to Nikki as the cashier rang up his purchase. ‘I’ve got all the books in this series – Chinese, Indian, Western and Islamic. Oh, and Sikh of course. But I’ve got another entire shelf for Sikh philosophy books.’
Nerd, Nikki thought with a twinge of delight. ‘Are your parents religious?’ Nikki asked.
‘Not really. Traditional, but not religious. That’s what prompted me to study Sikhism in the first place. It seemed like there were so many rules they kept imposing that had no basis in religion. I started reading the scripture to be able to argue with them.’
‘I’m sure they loved that,’ Nikki said.
‘They sure did,’ Jason grinned. ‘My parents grudgingly admit to learning a few new things now and then but it’s hard work. Yours? Traditional?’
‘My mum has always been a bit more traditional than Dad. Dad was quite supportive of me. Mum seemed to think that she had to rein me in all the time. It was hard when Dad died.’
‘You guys were close?’ Jason asked. Then he hastily added. ‘Sorry. That’s a stupid question. I hated people asking me that when my mother was sick. As if our closeness mattered – she’s family, whether we’re close or not isn’t really the point.’
‘It’s okay,’ Nikki said. ‘And yes, we were. He was very encouraging of me, but before he died, we’d had this massive argument. I dropped out of Law school. He was furious. I’d never seen him so upset before. We didn’t speak, and then he went to India with Mum to get away from it all and he died there.’ Nikki said it all so matter-of-factly but when she was finished, she felt the tears boiling in her chest. She panicked. Was she really going to cry over Dad for the first time now, while on a first date? ‘Sorry,’ she choked.
‘Hey,’ Jason said. Up ahead, there was a small park with an iron bench facing the road. He gestured to it and Nikki nodded. She was grateful that her face was obscured by shadows as they sat down. The pressure of tears subsided.
‘It’s hard because it was so sudden that I’ll never know if he came to terms with what I did or not. My mum gets really antsy when I try to ask her what his last conscious moments were like, so I imagine he was still upset with me. I don’t know which feeling is worse – guilt or grief. Or which one I’m supposed to feel.’
‘Grief, I suppose,’ Jason said. ‘There’s little use in feeling guilty.’
‘But if I hadn’t dropped out …’
‘You can’t do that to yourself,’ Jason said. ‘I get it. My parents would have freaked out if I’d switched out of Engineering. Luckily for them, I actually like it. But you can’t sentence yourself to all of this torment over what might have happened if you’d decided to stay in law school. It’s likely that you’d be miserable.’
Nikki took in a breath and felt it come easily. Jason’s assurances were not new; Olive had given her a similar talk after Dad’s death. But Jason was the first Punjabi person to attempt to convince Nikki that she had made the right decision. Only now did it occur to her that she was expecting him to repeat Mindi’s concerns. What about duty? Instead all she saw on his face was understanding.
‘Thanks,’ she said.
‘No problem. We’ve all had to come to terms with letting our parents down.’
‘You can’t have been too troublesome being a first-born male and an engineer,’ Nikki teased. It might have been a trick of passing headlights, but she noticed a stricken look crossing Jason’s face. He laughed, but it was a beat too late. Nikki was curious but she felt it was too soon to pry. ‘I was kidding,’ she added.
‘I know,’ Jason said. ‘There’s a lot of pressure to succeed though. I had to tick all of the success boxes right from the very start. It makes me think of banana chips.’
Nikki stared at him. ‘You’ve lost me.’
‘See, when I was in pre-school my parents discovered I was left-handed. They had a meltdown. My dad sat me down every night to train me to write with my right hand. I hated these sessions, but there was one way to motivate me – Dad bribed me with a dried banana chip for each line of the alphabet I traced out with my right hand. I loved those things. It was a couple of years before I discovered real junk food, of course.’
‘What was so bad about being left-handed?’
Jason pulled a serious face. ‘I was starting out life with a devastating disadvantage, Nikki. I would never be able to use scissors properly. Tying shoelaces would be complicated. And worst of all, my work would be untidy. Dad had a left-handed cousin in India who was always punished by teachers for leaving pen smudges on his assignments.’
‘A couple of banana chips and you were converted. You wouldn’t hold up well as a spy.’
‘I stuck to my guns and remained left-handed. I got told off every time I came home from grade school with smudged ink on my left hand. My mother had this complex about being an immigrant – she thought people would think we weren’t clean. She used to scrub my hands each day with grainy blue laundry soap but she couldn’t change who I naturally was.’
‘What a rebel,’ Nikki teased.
Jason grinned. ‘All I’m saying is that I’ve always been aware of the pressure to follow the rules and meet expectations. The eldest child is meant to pave the way. If I fail at anything, my siblings are doomed, according to my parents.’
‘Sometimes I think that’s why my sister is making such a project out of finding a husband,’ Nikki said. ‘She wants to set things right, hoping that I’ll take her lead.’
‘You’ll be posting your particulars on the marriage board then?’
‘Never.’
‘Good. It’s bad enough that you picked me up at the temple.’
‘I did not pick you up,’ Nikki retorted, giving Jason a thump on the arm. He laughed and stood up. ‘Come on, let’s get some dinner,’ he said. He reached out his hands, palms up, inviting Nikki to place her hands in them and then he pulled her up. She teetered forwards and nearly fell right back onto the bench if not for his arms, suddenly bracing her waist. They kissed then. The street around them dissolved into a peaceful silence, which lingered even after they gently drew away from each other and began walking, wordlessly, towards the restaurant.
At dinner, Jason asked Nikki how her job at the temple was going. ‘Good,’ Nikki said, sawing a knife through her margherita pizza. She took a bite and looked up to see Jason staring expectantly at her. ‘There’s not much to say about it, really,’ she shrugged. ‘I’m just teaching old ladies to read and write.’
‘It sounds very rewarding.’
‘It is,’ Nikki said. She could hear, above the restaurant’s din of voices and cutlery clashing, the women’s audible sighs after a particularly steamy story had been read out.